"Would it be tired and uninteresting to say, "There's nothing plain about you, Jane!"
Yes, yes I think it would, but still, it's just so fun to say. I like rhymes. By the way, is there a good way I can use "plane" in place of "plain"? I feel like there's something fun there and I'm just not seeing it. Wait, I've got it. Ahem, "There's nothing plane about you, Jane!"
Uh, you see in this this sense plane refers to a two dimensional space, and I'm trying to say you seem very multidimensional. Anyway, I better put a stop to this before I really humiliate myself ah, too late.."

I am not quite sure how one writes this thinking its going to go well. I mean, at best, I think you are really nerdy (at worst, I think you're insane). And while I like a little nerd mixed in my man, I am not a fan of big nerd, and this email just screams it. What I find even more humorous is that in this guy's profile he says he is a normal guy, but his profile actually reads a lot like his message to me. read: not normal.

Ah, well, points for trying.


In other news...

One of the normal guys I am talking to may not be normal at all. His emails are a little...off. I have talked about it before - how he seems to stretch the truth. I just answered his last email and sort of called him on it in the politest way I could. We'll see what he comes up with next.

As I mentioned briefly in the last blog, Mr. Gotham City and I are still talking. Before I was really annoyed by his complete vagueness, but now he seems to be opening up, which is good. We've gotten to know each other and we agreed that we'd meet sometime over the next few weeks (I am on break from school). So I'll have an update about that one soon. What's hard about Gotham is that I have sort of gotten attached. So if it doesn't work out, I will be bummed (just like with sexy pants). The whole point of this dating challenge was to only going on first dates so I didn't get attached (or have to feel bummed if it didn't work) and just meet a bunch of people. But this goes against my nature, of course (I'm an introvert at heart) - perhaps its why I am having trouble with it. I haven't gotten attached to any of the new guys though. Although, in my mind there is precious little to get attached too. Now that I have been doing it a couple of weeks, I don't necessarily know that this dating challenge is going to be wonderful. Especially if I can't get excited about the guys I am talking to. How am I supposed to be excited about a date if I sort of could care less if I continue talking to them??? Hmmmm. Maybe I am just not the no-attachment kind of gal needed to just randomly date lots of guys. Something to mull over, I think.

Ah, well..... until next time.

-PJ

p.s. I have decided when people add you to their favorites, but don't try talking to you, its really, really creepy. Like stalking. So men, take note. It's creepy, stalking-like behavior. And you should refrain from doing it!

I have been talking to a couple of guys lately.

One that lives in Texas....he breaks one of my cardinal rules: not being geographically desirable...but I am SO curious as to how it will play out. I mean, what makes a guy message a girl who lives several states away? What exactly is he hoping to get out of this? And so...we talk. He seems really nice. I almost with he lived near me.

The second guy I am talking about seems pretty cocky. He does, however meet my four rules, so this is why we are talking. But he brags a lot. And a lot of what he says doesn't make a whole lot of sense....like the lines just don't connect. I am not sure if he is lying or stretching the truth...but something about him doesn't scream genuine. I will probably go on a date anyway. You know, my challenge and all.

And Mr. Gotham City is back. Things seems to be going well.

But the person I want to talk about I am NOT talking to. The creep factor is high. But I want to call attention to his profile picture - which is posted below (and I am posting it only because his face is obscured). So feast your eyes on this one:




Talk about creepy. I'd love to message this guy, and ask him what in the world he could possibly be thinking posting this picture. If it weren't creepy enough that he has a gigantic gun, he had to go ahead and post a picture where his face is completely covered up. I mean, how could he think this would be a good picture to post? How could he possible think that it would be a winning shot [pun intended]. I mean, these dating sites stress being ultra careful about who you meet - and who exactly is going to want to go on a date with this guy? Although maybe he is taking the obvious approach. I mean the best serial killers look completely normal - so maybe he thinks by posting this he is throwing off suspicion??? Ah, who knows.

But seriously.
Creepy.

-PJ

Alright, so I know I gave myself the challenge of chatting up every guy and going on dates whenever possible. This is harder than I imagined. I have gotten plenty of messages - but when I look at their profiles the attraction piece is missing. This should make me feel shallow, but it doesn't. I mean, attraction is important. It just is. *shrugs* Here are a list of some of my...more quality...messages

"My name is John." - Yes, that was it. Literally. And what makes it funnier is that his screen-name is his name plus a couple of numbers. So, even without the grand intro, I already knew his name. Sort of makes his message useless huh?

And then I got a message from a guy that said
"Just wanted to say hi." and when I wrote him back, he never replied. I guess he, quite literally, just wanted to say hi.

I also recieved a message from a 37 year old man that told me I had a great profile and he hoped we could chat sometime. I guess I should have mentioned my fourth requirement in my previous blog - age..... between the ages of 23-29 (I'm 25). Because 37 is too old for me to date. In a creepy kind of way.

But my favorite message was this one:

"Hey there!!
Well to start off I am..
5'10
220LBS..
1/ 2 Hawaiian 1/2 Mexican
Stocky/Athletic...division II football
Single, Light brown eyes,Short jet black hair, Straight white teeth
Clear complexion ( NO facial hair ) Dress very Nice
Caring
Honest
Faithful
Passionate
Intelligent
Very Funny
UNC (Business/Marketing)
Nightclub/Bar Manager
Downtown Denver,(xxx)-xxx-xxxx (yes, he actually gave me his #)
Never been married
33 years old..

I hope I intrigued your interest

CL (full name ommited to protect the guilty)
Ps
I hope you like what you see"

Oh boy.
It's like one of those spec lists you read when trying to determine what a piece of electronic equipment to buy. So...am I in the market for a boy-robot? No, I don't think so. And, apparently, among his litany of "qualities" he forgot to mention he can't read. I mean, perhaps I am making an assumption on this one, but I have good reason - it DOES state on my profile that I am interested in guys ages 23-29.....and he is 33. Ah, maybe it's just an oversight. Well, aside from the age thing (because in all honesty, I could probably accept 33 if the guy was a real catch), he is not attractive. In fact, he doesn't even look 33. More like 43. And even if we were going the non-shallow route (and I am, I promise)...I was sort of hoping for an email that didn't read like like a spec list. I mean, how hard is it to write a decent message? (Apparently, very hard). No, it wasn't just the message either. He wasn't intriguing. At least not for me.

I did, however, receive a message from a guy ("Pool Guy" I am dubbing him). Though he seems like a good guy (for far), he is unemployed. Which does not thrill me. But, as part of my challenge, I am determined not to care. He meets every other requirement. So. We are messaging. Perhaps if we can get past that, we'll go out for a date.

No more dinners though. Too much pressure. I am beginning to think going out for drinks is the way to go. That way, if it ends up being really uncomfortable (anyone remember creepy stare guy?), I have alcohol to ease the suffering ;-)

Well, until next time
-PJ

Goodness, it's been awhile. And things have happened haven't they? I guess it's time for a PJ update....

Mr. Gotham City and I sort of broke ties after he freaked out about me not calling him back when i said I would. Oh, and because I was busy with friends on another night he wanted to call me. I guess we all have our insecurities and his came shining through. So I said good-bye. I have my own insecurities to worry about - I can't spend time tending to his.

There was another guy - Sexy Pants...and I thought, maybe. I mean, he seemed decent enough to me. Smart, witty, nice, gave me tons of compliments. But after meeting me (and being quite charming on the date and paying my a lip-service of compliments during) he suddenly had issues with his ex and had to say adiós [through text message, how classy]. I think he was lying about the ex, just to ...ah, how do they say it? Let me down gently? ... It felt like a let down [read: rejection]. That and I saw him online on my dating website two days ago. Clearly things aren't so up in the air with the ex that he can't stroll for girls online. Ah, well, his loss, not mine [okay, yes, it was disappointing, but you win some, you lose some].

Well, I cannot seem to break the first date streak, which I find incredibly annoying. I am just a girl looking for a guy. I just want to [eventually] find my own love story. Some people keep saying my expectations are too high, but I promise they aren't. All I want is a second date. But maybe THAT is too high of an expectation?Who would have thought? I mean, its only date two. It's not like I am asking for a ring or anything. I mean, I already have the ring... [oh, calm down - that was just a joke. It's an heirloom].Well, anyway. I have a new plan.

I think I am going to just go out with any respectable guy that asks. Yes. Even if he calls me sexy pants or some other ridiculous name. Or uses some really cheesy pick-up line. Why am I doing this when I have so adamantly mocked these fellows before? Clearly I just need to go out on a lot of [first] dates. Screw standards or being serious about this. The one? Who cares about finding the elusive "one" or my own love story. For right now. I am just going to live in the moment. Date [a lot]. Just really get knee-deep into it; challenge my introverted self. So. It's the first-date challenge. No expectations, no hopes or wishes for a second date. And a perk? I am bound to meet lots of guys and have plenty of stories to tell - of which I will do here.

I only have 3 standards:
a.) they must be geographically desirable (yes, I was propositioned in South Dakota the other day)
b.) they have to be at least decent looking. I am no Kate Moss, but I think I am pretty enough.
c.) sex cannot be his main objective. Because it certainly isn't mine.

And so this is it...the first date challenge [ah, this sort of sounds like the plot to a really bad teen-romance movie]. Cue the inspiring music.

Here I go.

-PJ

Cool guy and I are still talking. Mr. Gotham City my friends and I call him. He is cute and nice. We having been texting about a week. I don't know when we'll meet. We haven't really hashed that out. He lives about 30 minutes south of me - the only negative so far - and only because almost everything I do, I do 30 minutes north of me...which is like an hour drive to hang out with my friends or go to church with me (not that we've gotten that far, I'm just saying in a hypothetical situation). Who knows what will happen.

At this moment, I am more interested in talking about this guy who indicated he wanted to meet me (a new plentyoffish feature that I find rather annoying. Now instead of sending a message, they can just click a button that says they want to meet me. Well great - so what? You want to meet me...and??? ah, but I digress).

Here is this guys profile. My comments are in bold today. (as a pre-cursor...he is divorced. and really, its not hard to see why....and how that probably was a key ingredient to the creation of this profile....so enjoy)

What happened to women wanting a man that won't cheat, treat them with respect, is very stable, has a great personality, and can make you laugh at all times? I have met very few women on this site that are not superficial ****'s.wow. what a way to start a profile off. I've known you less than a minute and I already know you have some deep seeded issues about women. makes me want to keep reading

Too blunt for you? no, but possibly a little too honest/revealing for YOU Move on. seriously tempting

"I don't do drugs but I am 420 friendly" Give me a break, pot is a drug and if you can't smoke it and realize that you are a fool. great opinion, actually one I think too....but again, may not be the best forum to discuss your [obvious] issues with pot smoking.

I am NOT 420 friendly nor am I crack, coke, LSD, meth or any other illegal drug friendly so go away. so go away? I mean, this will definitely make a drug user get off your profile page quickly - then again, it probably will make everyone else go away too. Lets face it, the only reason I am still here is so I can put you on the mocking block later. Not a good sign for you

Why do women on this site say that their kid or kid's are the number one priority in their life? If the men on this site are not intelligent enough to already know that they are a waste of skin. So can we please cut back a bit on the "my kid is number 1"? ;)so now you've offended the drug users and the single moms. Dude, you are turning out to be a real catch.

I would guess if you are still reading this you would guess I am a very angry person. you took the words right out of my mouth That is the farthest thing from the truth wow. buddy. can we say denial?so say hello and let us rock this ****! gee, and after such a lovely written, heartfelt profile...I think I'll pass


Oh....oh boy. I don't think such an angry man should be dating. It says he is divorced. I may not be a licensed therapist [yet] but I am going to go ahead and say that his unresolved issued should probably get resolved first. Clearly he has many of them. With drug users, mothers, men, people in general. I just don't understand how you write a profile like this and honestly think you are going to win someone over - I mean...I would never even meet a guy who sounded this angry. I might eat my pasta the wrong way at dinner and he'd attack me with a butter knife. Yikes!


Ah, plentyoffish. You never disappoint.

-PJ

Well, I've done it. I've caved. I know I said I'd never pay for dating - but I joined eharmony.com. *sigh* Not that paying is a bad thing - it just says 'desperate' to me. But I guess it's not really. Quality vs Quantity and all. Perhaps eharmony will deliver. Although, from what I've seen so far...well....

Anyway. My message tonight comes not from eharmony, but from everybody's favorite: okcupid.com. This is the site where all but one of my lovely stories comes from. Real choice guys here....and because I just was left a little speechless by this guy (I swear he as ADD or something).....

"Hi there! You the age your profile says Or did you lie to make a profile here? uh...well aside from the horrible English. Why would I lie? And do my pictures really make me look under 18. Let me answer that - no they don't. If your the age your profile says, would you be available to get to know and talk to as a friend online? well, I am not lying. I am, in fact, my age. And I gotta say, friend, I'm not really feeling like our friendship would survive. You did just ask me straight off if I was a liar. Someone has issues in this friendship and it's not me.Or do you base that on looks as well as age? I was so tempted to go look at his picture when I read this line. I resisted....wait. But now I am curious.......wow and suddenly it all makes sense. Why no bf? well, gee, friend, I don't know. It must be my young age that's the problem. Or maybe all that lying.what do you do for a living? Or are you in school still? remember when my profile said both what I did for a living and that I was in school. Remember that??? Do you use any messengers to talk on, since doubtdful you wouldn't text a guy interested in you huh? yeah...no I don't instant message people. And I don't give out my phone number to creepy people. And besides all that, you used a double negative - implying I would text you. English isn't your strong suit is it? How often you online? how is this relevant to anything? Care to add me as a friend to talk on myspace Im if your available....uh, my trampy little sister told me that myspace was the new booty call."

Oh man. It was hard to read it the first time. And the second time I was just shaking my head. Now, I know from experience that it's hard to strike up a conversation, so props for that. But seriously...if you are going to....try not to accuse them of lying right off the bat. Oh. And leave all your issues at the door. I don't have to be an almost-therapist to know you have unresolved feelings toward your last 'friend' and text message buddy. Seriously.

Another guy messaged me (different site, same old story) and asked me if I were dating a guy if I would reconsider the whole sex before marriage thing. Yeah buddy. Just for you, I'll consider it. *rolls eyes* Why would I reconsider it just because I'm dating someone? The whole point is waiting until AFTER marriage, not during dating. I am not just trying to avoid being a first-date slut or something. There are some faith-based principles here. Did I not make that clear when I talked about God being important in my life?

On a more pleasant note. On a different website (a Christian one) I am talking with a guy (notice I'm not myspacing him) who seems pretty cool. I will keep you updated.

Until then......
-Sarah

There was potential.
At least on paper. Which, I think, is half the problem with online dating. Because someone can seem so great on paper, but when you meet them - it's...well...not great.

This is the case for me. Yes. I had a date with a guy. I didn't say much about it to anyone (except my best friend - because a.) I need a little support and b.) if the guy turned out to be a serial killer, i wanted at least one person to know who the guy was and where to start looking). Anyway, the date was with this guy, who I'm going to refer to as "Mr. Personality" and since I often name guys in a mocking way, that should give you some idea as to how this played out.

So we get there and its awkward. And that, I think, is normal. So we start chatting. I think he thinks my personalized license plate it weird. He made some comment about how he has never seen anyone put their nickname on a license plate - the tone wasn't joking or conversational...it was sort of judgy. Of course now would be the perfect time for me to mention that what's on my license plate is not, in fact, my nickname (he just assumed). But I digress.

So, the waitress asks inside or outside. He doesn't say anything. For a moment it's like the crickets chirp. So finally I say 'inside' and for the rest of the night he keeps looking outside and comments on how awesome the outside patio is. Well, if you wanted to sit outside, you should have said something! The waitress was asking YOU! Oi vey.

So we sit down (chivalry may just be dead, no pulling my chair out or whatever those chivalrous guys are supposed to do). And we sort of glance over the menu and he asks me a couple questions and I ask him a few. And he orders us an eggplant appetizer (he didn't ask if I wanted it, he just ordered it). And the questions kind of continue. But its like if he asks a question and I give him an answer, there is no follow up, or any really interest. Thats just the end of it. It's like obligatory that he asks whatever he asks and then that's it. And when I ask a question, he'll answer...but when I try with the follow up questions (I, fortunately, do have conversation skills) he sort of gives like unpassionate, answers that last about three seconds and then...silence.....

And then there is the whole eye contact thing. I like eye contact. I think it's important in a conversation. But his was uncomfortable. Intense. Really intense. And in the silent moments it was like he was just intensely staring at me. And not in that romantic way that makes you get all gooey, like the guy only has eyes for you. Like in that way that makes you feel all squirmy and your brain shuts down because your so focused on the uncomfortable, never ceasing look that you can't think of anything else to say.

So dinner was awkward. And we skipped dessert. In fact, thinking back, he ate really fast. And I boxed up half my dinner. And then we walked outside (oh, yes, he paid, which was nice) and then we gave a quick hug and that was it. I imagine, if I was me, watching myself from a far, I'd have thought I couldn't have gotten out of there quick enough. Which is so true - because I couldn't have.

So Mr. Personality is not a go. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I wasn't as excited about this date as I was with the guy from before (and I don't mean to compare the two - just to say that I was more intrigued by the other guy before I met him...and our date went about a thousand times better). I guess I am a little bummed that it wasn't an awesome date and there is no potential for future dates...but on the overall, I'm ok with it.

I haven't been left hopeless though. I think someday my prince will come (sorry, that was a movie quote). Although the one other guy that has been emailing me just told me he has no plans to return to Colorado (he moved for awhile for work). Honestly though, if you knew that was the case, why start a conversation with me anyway? But I'm going to keep on keeping on with this OLD thing...maybe one day....

of course I'd still prefer the 'eyes meet from across the room' sort of thing...but I guess, for now, I'll take what I can get.

-PJ

Christian Dating websites.... well...let's see....

So far I have not turned up much success. I mean, I've gotten a few messages. None of them have been from guys in Colorado (well, ok, maybe one). A few of them have been old enough to be my father. Yes. You did read that correctly. Old. Enough. To. Be. My. Father.

One guy was 37 and lived in WA.
Another guy was 21, and his profile made no mention of where he lived. But his name was...well, you know I protect the guilty, but lets just akin it to Rostyslaw and let it play out in your imagination.
The third guy, though in my age range, lived in British Columbia.

...those were just the "smiles" (so lazy!)

The guys who messaged me:

Thirty year old - Florida
"your profile has caught my attention and i am looking for a relation"
A relation...seriously? More like - No speakie any english...

Next -
23 year old from Florida:
your profile really got my attention I see you are from Colorado that's way i cool currently i live in Florida. I would like to get to know you more if possible
Whats with the Floridians wanting to chat with the Coloradans...I mean, its like an entire country away from here. Are you moving to Colorado? Cause maybe then I could see it...but otherwise....what's the point? I didn't ask for a pen-pal.

The other guy was 32 - but miraculously from Denver. His message was much like all the other ok ones - you're pretty. blah, blah, blah. nice smile. blah, blah blah.

And that's just from one website. The other website featured a guy who was 55. Yuck. He put me as a "favorite." Double yuck.
Okcupider's sent out creepy messages sometimes, but at least they were in-state and (mostly) in my age range.

Ah, yes, well. I guess I can't have everything.
Or anything - as the case may be.

I just don't understand men. I seriously don't. I mean.....55? Really? Florida? Really? Come on. Where are all the good Christian guys in MY state who are in MY age range? Why aren't they answering me? (Uh, maybe you shouldn't answer that). Seriously. I like myself and all, but I'm starting to develop a complex that all I'm worth is a creepy 55 year old guy from Florida that more than likely speaks very little English and his wayyyyy past him prime. Yikes.

Man, this whole dating thing better turn out to be worth it.
I have a feeling that at my wedding, my first dance song will be "At Last" by Etta James... ;-)

-PJ

June 29, 2010: To be perfectly honest, there is nothing common about that lovely smile of yours:) It is positively enchanting.
June 29, 2010: yea, that cute smile is anything but plain there miss Jane. I think you are quite cute, and although some may think weight is an issue, it only bothers me when I hear complaints about it. You seem very happy, and that kind of attitude is a true delight to be around, so I would love to get to know you a bit and see if we might share a connection. Feel free to write anytime, I'd love to hear from you :)
July 5, 2010:Seriously, that smile is truly something to behold :)
July 25, 2010: I may be outside your requirements, but that smile is more than worth any drive, if given a chance :)
July 30, 2010: Well you are a very down to earth lovely woman. Nothing plain about you at all, all quite impressive really. Its rare to find someone who not only loves what they do, but is driven to pursue and improve themselves like you are is something to admire:) I also have respect for your desire to wait till marriage, that is a tough decision especially these days. I have pretty good control of myself, I reached a point long ago where sex doesn't rule my life as it does so many. Well I will leave this at you seem like a very special woman, and I would be honored to take you out sometime and get to know you. I think we share a lot in common, and I am curious where this all could take us. Feel free to write anytime, I would love to hear from you.
August 9, 2010: "Wink"
August 9, 2010: Added to his favorites list
August 9, 2010: Hello again. I used to work security in a hospital, so I have a few stories of my own to share :) I tend to quote a lot of movies and songs as well, but rarely does anyone I know get the reference unless I explain it. So I don't get the same responses you do. The photo project of yours is pretty interesting as well, I am curious how you got into it?

The first time I saw this guy (message #1), I wasn't super impressed. Sure, his message sounded nice, but his profile didn't jump out at me in any great way. I just sort of brushed him off and went on with my life. And then came message # 2. And then #3. I should have had the good sense here to write him and tell him that I wasn't really interested. I didn't. And them came messages #4 and #5. Messages #6, #7, and #8 all came in one day. Persistence is cute....persistence is like, three messages. At eight...he is just stalking me. Wonderful.

I did have the good sense to block him after the 8th message however. So, #8 will be his last (oh happy day).

I am at a loss for words here. I don't even know what to say (and really, how often does that happen?). I don't know how any person would keep writing messages when the girl didn't reply a single time. Uh....can't he take a hint?

So - lesson for the day? If she doesn't write you back - She's just not that into you.

I have been doing a lot of Quickmatch and Quiver matches on okcupid. I don't hold out much hope though. This one guy rated me 4 or 5 stars. I rated him that too. It's always a nice feeling when you realize the two of you rated each other high - definite potential.

Well...

Except for when I read through the "two of us" section (which, btw way, compares our answers to questions the website poses) and I see this:

"would you have to sleep with someone before you marry them? His answer: YES.

Wait. What?

" I feel like God's "better life" for me includes waiting until marriage to have sex. If you have a problem with this or don't see yourself being able to respect my decision, then we probably won't be dating."

The above is literally the copy/pasted quote of what is in my profile. So, Mr. 'I'm Not Waiting', if you've read my profile and know I am waiting for marriage, how could you possible rate me 4-5 stars when you have no plans to wait for marriage??? How could you possible think we'd ever been a good ok match? In my world (and hopefully in the actual world) that doesn't even make sense. This leads me to believe that you either a.) didn't read my profile or b.) thought I was joking. You know. About Jesus.

Awesome.
My faith in the male species is slowly dwindling.

I have decided to try my luck at Christian dating websites. I figure I might get a little better response - perhaps, since waiting for marriage is asked of us in the Bible, Christians just may be a little more...open to the idea.

Well, these websites look far less sophisticated than okcupid, but you can't always judge a book by it's cover. Indeed, I have already received two messages and I only put my profile up a few hours ago. Of course neither of these people live in my state - so, sort of a draw back there... but I remain [cautiously] hopeful.

There are less people on these websites though...and most Christian ones aren't free. I've found two acceptable free ones though. The other (fee based) ones attract more people, but then again, they charge money. I'm only 25 - I haven't reached a point where I am desperate enough to pay someone a computer to find me a date. Maybe when I'm 40 with multiple cats and lonely Friday nights....but right now - free is the only route for me.

So we will see how it goes. No doubt more fodder for this blog. (I've been wondering what sort of bad karma dating points I'm racking up with each entry. I can only imagine the bad dating juju I am going to incur from them. Perhaps my stalker should be warning enough for me to quit....nah).

-PJ

I just got on plentyoffish for the first time in awhile and noticed this under my matches section (notice the bold)

"The average person on this site has about 1000 people they could date with in a reasonable distance. To make your search easier on this page we only show you men whose income is equal to yours or higher (In only 5% of relationships is a woman's income significantly higher than a mans). "

Hmmm. My initial thought is if a man can't handle that I make more than him....he has issues. Seriously. It's the 21st century.

Maybe that's too feminist of me (but I mean really? really?)...what if I want to date an artist (yes - i'm using a stereo type to prove my point), who probably makes next to nothing, where as I make...well, a little more than next to nothing. This stupid statistic (and therefor matchmaking filter) means I'd never find him as a match. Well, that seems rather stupid.

Dislike POF. Dislike.

-PJ

p.s. the same guy has messaged me 4 times on okcupid..... I'll post his messages later - but seriously. take a hint!

Alright. I concede. It is not as easy to write a message as it seems. I know I relentlessly mock some guys for their lack of writing abilities and perhaps this is part of my seemingly bad juju at dating. I don't know. I can't seem to help it though - most of the letters are quite bad (and at least I hand over proof!)

But today I am bored at work and I have discovered my okcupid app seems to work when connected to the wifi, so I was looking at my matches. Curiously, only one guy's picture came up (the rest wouldn't load). He was a guy I've been thinking about messaging for a couple days...so, taking this as a cue from fate, I messaged him.

I actually sat there staring at the screen for a minute, marveling at the irony of the situation. I did not know what to say or how to phrase a message to a perfect stranger. What could I say that would grab this man's attention and set me apart from the other girls? Should I be witty? Should I be sweet? What should I do?

And it dawned on me that all these men that I mock possibly have these same questions in their minds as they write me. Hmmmm. Interesting.

If I am at all honest with myself (or you fine people), then I will admit that these feelings of empathy are probably going to be short lived. As soon as some poor guy messages me I will rack up some more bad juju and write about them in here, mercilessly mocking their inability to write a good, original letter. It's bound to happen. I'm just saying.

But until that day comes (and we all know it will) I will empathize with guys who write these letters. They really can be difficult to phrase.

...but speaking of bad letters, I got a particularly cheesy one today:
"Hey there! You're not plain at all... Smart, pretty, sexy... A triple threat!"

I sort of akin it to this one to:
"I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons."

So that empathy lasted long ;-)

-PJ

I'll never get tired of funny messages. And by funny, I don't mean hilarious...I mean good mocking material. Ok. Maybe one day when I am 40 years old, have 50 cats, am still single and waiting for Mr. Right to come, I'll get tired of messages that are scripted like the ones below. But until that day comes...bring on the mockery.

So who is first on the mocking-block today? It's keeper*** all the way from Westminster, Colorado (that will sound a lot cooler if you pretend I said it in a game-show voice).

Here is keeper***'s message:

...hey,....how are you? I am a naughty boy and am looking for some fun! There are so many fake people on here and i really hope your not one of them lol i have had these crazy messages like send me money to sibera so i can come be with you forever its so stupid how dumb do people really think others are, anyways i figured i will take the straight up approach so in that case..... I love to be spanked and love to be used and be taught that you are superior to me. I hope you like what you hear i am just tryin to be upfront and honest as i think that is better then telling you lies and then in the end it not being something your interested in :) hopefully i will hear back from you soon and you can spank me soon too :) talk to you soon!

Yes folks, just breathe it in....and three, two one....here I go.

Well keeper***, I think the first thing we must establish is that you are not, in fact a keeper. You see, keepers are ones who have a basic comprehension of reading. If you did have this fine skill, you would have read the part in my profile that pretty much flat out said no sex until marriage. You not only imply sex, but some sort of kinky s&m thing (you want me to teach you I am superior to you...that won't exactly be hard will it?)...yeah, I don't think so. And if that weren't enough, your picture looks like...well, like you just swallowed something nasty...not exactly a picture worth keeping either. So, after careful consideration, I think I will decline your request to...uh...spank you...and just not reply.

Next!

Haha, I really don't care that I'd never have a chance with you, but I have to tell you. You are the most amazingly gorgeous, beautiful, sexy girl I've ever seen on here! You're just a joy to look at :P

Well, of course, my cupid friend, I am amazingly gorgeous, beautiful and sexy - I am in the elite club on okcupid. Duh. But aside from that, all you get are my thanks. Not that you aren't a joy to look at too (really, a joy? you couldn't come up with a better word there?), but we don't seem to have much in common. Thanks for the compliment though. Oh and uh, not to sound cynical, but I'll eat my hat if you actually meant that sincerely (and don't say it to all the cupid girls).

Last one for the evening...

thought i'd hit you up and see if you want to chat sometime,
if interested let me know

A

You thought you'd hit me up? Really? Couldn't have phrased that one a little better? Perhaps after being called "amazingly gorgeous, beautiful and sexy" you really didn't have a solid chance...but something more than "thought i'd hit you up" might have at least made me give pause... as it is, zero points for originality and zero chance with me.


Well friends, it is my [humble] opinion that the elite club of okcupid isn't very special. I just did a search and I did not, in fact, see more attractive people. Instead, I saw the same people I always see. That isn't to say some weren't good looking...it is to say that most were...not. If this is what membership into the elite club costs...then being called "attractive" on this site isn't much of a compliment. I know a very manly woman with a deep voice who might even make the cut.

Oh single-hood at age 40 and 50 meowing cats...here I come.


-PJ

I have not been all that active in the dating world. I actually met a guy and went out on a date. I had a great time and he did too (or so he said)...but just two days later he told me he didn't think we should go out again. It was a sting, but I'll tell you - he was straight up honest and he spelled it out nice and plain (no wishy-washy crap there). Now that's something i can respect.

But now....well, OLD has taken a back seat. It's a tiring process. I work 40 hours a week and am in school. If I am going to put time and energy into something, it needs to be worth it. And so far, OLD hasn't been. Instead, I have actually just been really focused on me right now, which I think is good. Of course, that doesn't mean guys still don't write me. I'll share:

This guy has written me three times (huh, you'd think after not recieveing a reply the first time he'd have gotten the message!)

Message 1: "im 22 . looking for everything realtionships,dateing ect... hey cutie whats up? hows life?"
Message 2: "dam cute n great smile ;) holla backs plz dont be shy ss"
Message 3: "hey cutie wuts up? hows life? hollla backs n lets talk ! dont be shy."

I dont mind telling you half of this guys profile name: SlickNick...because I think its funny. I don't think girls want a "slick" guy cause it implies a certain amount of playerness...and well, I dont really want a player. But SN is 22, which I specifically state in my profile 23 is my youngest age for guys...so clearly we are dealing with someone who doesn't read the directions - never a good sign. And I have never been one for the pet name "cutie" it just sounds so.....high school. And makes me sound like some freshman girl (please, Im 25!). And holla backs? Really? Seriously? Oh, and dude, I'm not shy, I'm just not interested.

Alright, that was the only worthy one of mocking. The rest weren't half bad. Not great, either, but not half bad. Actually my real reason for the blog today was the email I got from Okcupid last night:

"We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.

How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver.

. . .
Your new elite status comes with one important privilege:

You will now see more attractive people in your match results.

This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results.

. . .
Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see.

Wow. Where to start? It's kind of insulting. I think. I mean, I've never been considered one of the beautiful people and I am truly ok with that. I think the insulting part is actually that people who aren't considered "attractive" are going to get less attractive matches. I mean what does that really say about okcupid (hello - Shallow!)? Or society for that matter. I guess I know it's part of society - the beautiful people tend to date/marry the beautiful people, and the rest of us are out to fend for something a little less pretty (and probably a whole lot less shallow, so really, we probably win anyway). But do we really have to carry over this kind of shallow thought process onto a dating website? Really? Who is this helping?

I guess I should be flattered that I will now be getting more attractive matches, but somehow I'm not. I've always seen myself marrying some kind of nerdy guy (like nbc's chuck) or something...definitely not Malibu barbie's ex.

Besides, while I do think I am pretty, I think my profile picture makes me look a whole lot prettier than I spend most days looking. No, I didnt retouch it or anything, but it happened to be an instance of perfect lighting (and a good hair/makeup day)...so it really doesn't feel like the real me...more like the barbazon version of me.

Most days I were far less makeup (some days none at all). So by this picture I may be voted on as attractive, but in real life? I'm just me. So here is the real scenario: I get matched with all these more attractive guys, who are expecting this girl. And they may get her for date night and occasionally thereafter...but much beyond that, probably not so much. So they are disappointed and feeling I am not so attractive, and because people can be a bit shallow when it comes to looks (yes, I know, not all people)...well, there will be heartache. (And it probably wont add to my self-esteem any).

I may be over stating it. Maybe it wouldn't happen like that. I just think it's more likely to happen when you lump a kind of ordinary girl in with all the "attractive" people. And I am sure I am not the only one reading this email and thinking that. Or maybe I am. Who knows.

My point? Online dating was fun for awhile and it makes for a good antic-dote, but I think I'll just continue to work on me. And like Michael Buble says, "I might have to wait, I'll never give up, I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck, Wherever you are, whenever it's right, You'll come out of nowhere and into my life"


-PJ

I took a break.
I think dating wears me out - especially online dating. Its just such a long, un-fulfilling process. So I took a breather. Between school starting, the car accident and life in general... I just sort of needed some time off. I haven't been pursuing much. If someone writes me, occasionally I will write them back, but I haven't gone out of my way - looking at profiles and such.

I also added a little bit to my profile. I guess it's a good time to mention it, because it fuels what I'm about to talk about. What did I add? Well, I added that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. It's actually limited the amount of responses I've gotten, which is just fine with me. If only this guy had just done what the others had done and not replied - but he did. And by the way, this isn't the first time he has messaged me - perhaps he forgot that I didn't write him back after last time. As always, my response is in italics.

"maybe your name is jane, but you aint plain. "ain't." seriously? in fact, i find you quite desireable, and i like bigger women. wow. I am so flattered. Please call more attention to my weight. No, really, I'm thrilled.

My name is bob and I'm intelligent yeah, you know, except the whole "ain't thing...oh yeah, and the fact that the remainder of this sentence is poorly written. But, no, I get it. Very intelligent. ", funny, know Denver really well and could show you and amazing time, that is if you like that kind of thing. You know, I actually hate it. Hell, who knows, maybe you prefer staring at computer monitor breathing stale air. Stale air? All I can really say here is WTF.

If you think fun and excitement and romance might be something that you would like, perhaps you should message me back and we can exchange information for better means of communication. Well, Mr. Intelligent, I do think fun, excitement and romance are things that I would like - hence why I am on a dating website to try and find said things (I can see that intelligence thing really working for you)....I do think, however, that you are not the guy I will be finding them with. Tragic.

If not, enjoy your stale air and artificial light. Ok. Thanks. I will. I mean, without you to take me out, show me around Denver (a city I've lived in my whole life), surely I will just sit at the computer all day and night because I don't possibly have anything better to do - without you, that is.

Oh BTW, no man is going to wait till marriage to have sex. Not true. Thats like buying a car without even sitting in the drivers seat. And you know, some people are just crazy enough to do that. Rich people, in fact. Hey, maybe I'll get lucky and marry rich. Fantastic. Oh, and I'll just ignore the fact that you compared my virginity to buying a car. Whats next, some god awful sports analogy? If you think there are men like that, your going to die a very lonely person, I do think some men are like this. They are the keepers. Thats why they aren't on dating websites trying to rustle up a gal and you are sitting by your computer, breathing all that stale air. (just being frank) And I appreciate you frankness. Never mind that your wrong. and I wont stand for it personally." You won't stand for it personally. Wow. What a way to make a first impression. I tell you God is important to me, as are my vows for Him and you tell me that I should get back to you, but you won't stand for what I believe in. No, I get it. That makes perfect sense. You won't stand for it, so I'll just choose you over my Savior cause you've written such a compelling email - way better than saving my soul. Hey baby, I'm ready to jump in the sack with you right now - come on cowboy, take me away. *rolls eyes*

I got this email about 15 minutes ago and I'm still shaking my head. I don't understand how a guy can craft an email like this and think its going to get him anywhere. I am most appalled by his last paragraph. The mere suggestion that I need to give up my beliefs in waiting till I am married because "no guy" will ever stand for it - just so I'm not alone? F that. I know it's not true anyway...but this is the whole problem. Men who think this way perpetuate the idea that people shouldn't wait to have sex until marriage and girls are so afraid of winding up alone that they buy into shit emails like this one. It angers me to no end. The last sentence is so completely......I don't even have words. "And I personally won't stand for it?" I mean, I get if you don't agree with it, fine, we all have our own beliefs...but seriously, find a better way to phrase it - "I won't stand for it?" Seriously? Seriously? I mean, hey douche bag, do you have any idea how you come across when you say that?

I don't know why it annoys me so much. I considered (ok, am still considering) writing him back and telling him to F off and that he isn't the breath of fresh air any sane girl is looking for. A waste of my typing, maybe, but damn it would feel could to put this guy in his place. That's definitely something I could stand for.

-Jane.

p.s., after writing this all out, I did email him back.

"You know I thought of not replying to this message, but it
seriously made me want to slap you across the face - so I thought
I might as well be frank. All I have to say is, I would rather
die a lonely death as a virgin than date a guy like you.

Your sad stereotype of men is wrong, by the way. There are a lot
of guys who are willing to wait. I've met many of them, so I know
they do, in fact, exist. Just because you think with the wrong
head, doesn't mean all men are so inclined.

And that you won't stand for it? Seriously? Never mind that it
was a horribly phrased sentence that makes you sound like some
misogynistic ***hole...if that's the case, why even write? I tell
you this is my belief and you think you're so amazing that just
because you won't stand for it (and I will be forever alone if I
don't give in - a load of b.s., btw) that I'll reply with a
positive response? Wow. No wonder you are single.

Do me a favor, lose my profile and ID. And don't bother writing
back."

"If it happens, it happens." I hate this phrase.

First of all its so passive. I mean, if it happens, it happens? That's like shrugging your shoulders and saying whatever, whenever. I don't know anyone who got anywhere in life by shrugging their shoulders and letting life pass them by. I sorta get it, I used to be a passive person, but my life didn't go anywhere until I got active about it.

Second of all...saying "if it happens, it happens" to a girl isn't exactly confidence inspiring. In fact, it's kind of like telling her if you see her you see her, but if you don't, well, it's no big deal. Wow, I bet that makes her feel real special.

Ok. So lets say you are chatting it up with a guy from a dating website. You've had a few messages and things seem to go well. So you are thinking, maybe it's time to meet in real life. He hints around at getting together too and so you suggest sometime next week and he says, "If it happens, it happens."

There are two ways to look at this.

1. He is just playing it cool. This is the way most girls want to look at it. He might think you are playing it cool because you suggested next week instead if this week so he'll play it cool in return. (Let me stop you right here. this actually implies guys think far more about these situations than they really do. So, this senario seems pretty unlikely. Maybe not entirely impossible, but about 98.9% so). Ok, so perhaps he is nervous and/or doesn't want to risk getting hurt or blown off so he is just acting like meeting you isn't a big deal. In all reality, it is a big deal for him because he is really psyched about meeting you.

-or-

2. HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Sure he said he'd meet you. Maybe he doesn't have anything better at the moment, so why not see what you are about? But if it doesn't happen, it really isn't a big deal because you aren't someone he is so into that he has to meet you asap (because lets face it, if a guy wants to see you, he isn't going to be passive about making that date!)

I will say I think #1 does happen. Maybe for some really shy guys or guys who have been burned by love a lot and convince themselves that no girl is worth that kind of effort until they've proven themselves worth it. I have never met the former, but I've come across a few of the latter. In either case though, these men are the exception.

#2 is the rule. Sorry girls. It pains me to say this because in my OLD experience has paired me with many guys who were not really into meeting me. Cole dragged his feet for nearly three months before things ended. James said, if we want it to happen it will (but hasn't made any effort after saying that, which tells me something right there!) Then there is Punctuation Paul, who, when I suggested we meet up sometime next week, simply replied with the exact phrase "if it happens, it happens" (that message is what sparked this blog, btw).

So guys. All the time we hear what women can do to snag a guy, but here is a little something for you to feast upon....be active. If you want to meet, get together sooner than later and make sure the girl knows you want to make a date. If you really aren't feeling into it, don't say, "if it happens, it happens." In fact don't waste your time (or ours!). No girl wants to be some guys B list or be the "Friday night girl when I don't have any other plans." It's not respectful. If you don't think I'll be your A-list gal or you don't want to set aside actual time for me, then lets not bother - cause frankly I don't want to spend time with someone who just isn't into me, but doesn't have any better options at the moment. I'm not a B-list kind of girl.

-PJ

Well first of all I got the three books I ordered. I read the Tough Love one in an hour - it wasn't very big or tough to get through. Just a lot of advice about what a woman can do to make sure she snags a guy (pretty good advice, I thought). It occurred to me that all of these dating books are telling a woman how she can change her behaviors to attract men, but there is nothing out there telling guys how they can change their behavior to attract women. I wonder why that is.

I got an email from a guy this weekend. Thinking about it, I am not even sure what his real name is, though we've exchanged several messages since first contact. Hmmm. Well, for the purpose of this blog, we'll call him Punctuation Paul. :-)

Well, Paul seems nice enough. He is a 21 year old, which is normally not an age I'd go for. I mean, three years isn't a lot in general, but it sort of is when you are just 21. He also hasn't been to college, which is something I always thought I'd want my guy to have done...but remember, I'm lowering expectations and idealizations about guys (in some areas, definitely not in others). There are two other things...one is that he has no license (due to a public intoxication ticket), which I'm not loving (obviously because he can't transport himself places and also because of the drinking - though he swears he wasn't drunk). I could probably look past both things if he is a truly awesome guy.

No, my biggest thing is the subject of this blog. Punctuation. I am sure you are all going huh? So let me elaborate.

His emails are like this no punctuation at all just one big run on sentence that lasts the entire email every answer to my questions and questions of his own have nothing no periods commas lots of ands and no capital letters its so hard for me to write like this right now i cant imagine doing it all the time yet every email he has written has been this way it is crazy hard to read also

Whew!

Occasionally he does use a period, so I know he knows where they are on the keyboard. I am truly baffled as to why he doesn't use them all the time. What is with the run-on sentences?

Most girls want a well educated men. Sorry guys, but it's true. They want an articulate man as well. Punctuation Paul's email have neither of these qualities. Now, it's not exactly enough for me to say adios....but it is sort of annoying.

In any case - men, do yourself a favor... if you are going to write an email it would be worthwhile to use correct punctuation. I mean, otherwise a woman might view it as the guy being so lazy he can't put in a period, comma or capitalize properly? And if he is that lazy now (when you've just met), it's possible he is always that lazy, even when you are dating. Definitely not a guy any girl would want to date. So, like I said, its worth taking some time and effort to make sure the message is readable.

Paul's emails are interesting for other reasons. He says I am beautiful and cool. Well, unfortunaltey online, you cant really judge beauty because you are looking at pictures...and pictures can be altered or not even current. Lighting can make a big difference too. I guess my point is pictures are a poor way to really know what a person really looks like. So to me, any compliments of beauty from an email aren't really worth the keyboard they are written with. I think a lot of girls feel this way. Paul also thinks I'm really cool. Which is a great compliment except that he doesn't really know me. Of course I seem cool - I wrote my profile to make it appear that I am. And I think I am cool. My friends think I am cool (geeky, but cool)...but how can he comment on my coolness. All he knows is what I've written him (which hasnt been much, as with most guys, he appears to have issues asking questions) and what what is written in my profile. Not that I don't appreciate a compliment (and in his mind it may very well be sincere)...but again, I gotta take it with a grain of salt cause he really doesn't know me, like at all.

Well, Paul wants to have a celebratory drink. I got into grad school, he got a new job...what a perfect excuse for a date. So I said alright. I'm not a big drinker, but I have to succumb to the fact that getting to know each other over drinks is a popular way to do it. We haven't set a specific time. More like a abstract, in the future, sort of thing (this is usually about the time they cease to talk to me, so Im skeptical that it'll happen). Oh, and get this, he was talking about how he was inspired by the Golden Gate bridge in San Fransisco...and I told him I'd never been. His response, if I played my cards right, he'd take me there. I laughed at this. If I played my cards right. Is this some weird version of poker that I've never heard of? :-) I'm just kidding...sort of. But seriously. If I play my cards right? No, it still makes me laugh. :-)

How about if he plays his cards right he just may get a date from me ;-)

-PJ

Online dating has grown. It used to have a horrible stigma attached (actually, I don't think that's completely gone, but it's less), but as time as gone on, it's lessened. So, as you can imagine, with more and more people dating in the online world, it'0s only a matter of time before you "run" into someone you know.

Last night this happened to me. There is this guy I used to work with, we'll call him Harry. Last night Harry emailed me because he found me on POF. Small world. So, just out of curiosity I look at his profile. And it became so clear to me how a profile tells you so little about a person.............

So everyone considers the one bonus of online dating that you can read profiles and gauge how well a person might fit for you. I mean, think about it - a profile can tell you if a person is into kids or smokes. It can even go into religion, politics and finances (to a degree)...those are the major things you don't talk about in the beginning...things you can't look across the room and know about a person IRL, but can ascertain from a profile.

But this is only an asset if the person is honest. Personally, in my profile I am very honest. Maybe it turns some guys away, but the fact is, is that you know what you are getting when you read my profile. I think this is important, because the last thing I want is for us to get together and then you find out something about me that's a deal breaker for you and I don't make the cut. It's a waste of every body's time. So I believe in honesty.

To illustrate my point of why it's important, I'm going to bring in Harry's profile - because I knew Harry for 2 years and we've had so many conversations about dating/relationships and (so much more), I know him pretty well. A lot of what he says is true (kudos there) but some stuff...not so much. So my comments will be italics.

"1. I spend a lot of time going out to dinner with friends and trying new food. I also love to travel and go to the mountains, horse back riding and playing sports
2. I want to reach a point in my career where I am financially successful enough to travel and take care of those I love (this line makes him sound fantastic - what he doesn't let you know is that he likes girls to take care of him and buy him nice things. In fact, once he wanted his current girlfriend to buy him a $300 phone. When I asked what he would do if she didn't buy him it...he said he'd break up with her. yikes! Materialism isn't a selling quality, but if it's who you are, in my opinion, it's worth finding a way to mention).
3. I am very outgoing and honest. You will always know what I'm thinking and where I stand on issues (this is true. Harry is one of the most honest people I know; Now his honesty carries no tact or finesse, but he does say whats on his mind). . I have a good heart and care about other's comfort levels when around me. I am polite and have class. (Polite and Class are not the two words I'd use to describe Harry. In fact, I don't think they belong in the vocab of Harry because they can't be used to describe him in any way. Abrasive and misogynistic would be more descriptive.)
4. I enjoy all types of music such as country, r&b and hip hop.
5.I hope to hear from different people and eventually hope to find that one person who I have that "click" with. I need to feel chemistry with someone. I want that person to connect with me on a physical and intellectual level.

Ok, so most of what he says is true. But there are a few key points here that really matter: Harry is materialistic. He expects his woman to take care of him and buy him nice things. As I said above, I know that materialism isn't a good selling point - and no one is going to reach out to a guy who says it out loud...but it's going to be a rude wake-up call for a woman who starts to date him and then realizes this expectation is there and if she doesn't comply she may very well lose him.

The bigger thing to address is the "polite" and "class". I actually laughed out loud when I read this the first time because Harry is anything but polite. Especially in his thoughts about women. Although I can imagine Harry really thinking he is a polite, nice, guy with a lot of class...I really don't think a lot of other people would describe him that way.

So Harry is a prime example of a person not being what they seem online. If I read his profile without knowing him, I'd probably send him a message. He seems great on paper, as the old saying goes. But knowing him, I know that he isn't as wonderful as he seems. He is definitely not someone I'd bring home to my family to meet. Or my friends. But in his profile, he seems pretty great.

The simple fact is, is that people have a tendency to think the best of themselves and as a result, write who they perceive themselves to be. They put things they think are true, even if the reality is quite different...so how do we battle this in our own profiles? How does one make sure that what they write really shows who they are?

Have someone else help you write your profile. Make it a trusted friend who isn't afraid to tell you the truth (this way when you write something like, polite and class, they can be like...yeah, not so much. even more, they might be able to show you good qualities about yourself that you never knew you had). I had my brother help me. I wrote my profile and then had him look it over. He said he thought it sounded exactly like me with one caveat. I sounded a lot younger than I am. I would have never thought this, but reading it over again with a more objective eye, I could see what he is talking about. Aside from that though, I managed to give a guy a pretty good idea of who I am. Now, I will say that of course there are things about me that probably won't come out until later. A profile is meant to give you an idea of a person, not their whole character profile... but with the basics, I stuck to the truth...and that's important.

Bottom line? Stay honest. Saying something about yourself that isn't true (whether it be you're taller/shorter/fatter/thinner/etc or smart/average/polite/honest/etc....) won't help your cause. The person who meets you will eventually see the real you (especially when we are talking the physical sense) and once they figure out you aren't what you seemed online, it'll ruin your chances. So why lie? Why waste time? Just so you can appeal to someone on paper? It's the real date in the real world that is important - in the end, how you look on paper won't matter - it'll be how you are in real life that counts. Besides, don't you want them to know the real you and not some false image you created to land a date?

But that's just my honest opinion :-)

-PJ

So I am going to talk about two things today :-)

First is this awesome show that Cole mentioned once. Tough Love. I caught an episode from season while I was dog sitting and was sort of not sure of it. Steve, the host, put each of the eight girls up to a jury of guys, explained their worst relationship issue and they had the guys judge them dateable or undateable. I guess I found the idea of telling a girl she is undatable sort of...well, not good. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate tough love as much as the next person (probably more so actually), but in a society where girls are up against so much mentally (and physically), it seemed extra harsh - especially the way they did it.

So I was all ready the write it off...but then I took a look at the first season...like the whole first season. Actually I just finished watching the last episode of season 1...and I'm ready for season 2. What changed my mind?

I saw how much some of the girls changed. Steve's rules, when applied seemed to work pretty well. Its not an exact science and the rules aren't always going to apply to every person/situation...but when generally applied, they seemed to work. Plus, it was just funny. I reminded of why I hate girls and drama (wow, there was a lot of crying!!!), but I concede that 8 weeks locked in a house with 7 other girls and almost no outside interaction - I'd probably be some crying dramatic fool too. ;-) And, for a girl who has never dated, I got to see a bunch of normal girls go out on dates - not some movie fantasy - but real awkward dates. Definitely helpful!

Anyway, so I like the show. I like Steve's idea of tough love. I am looking forward to watching season 2.

Second....after watching TL I went online to amazon.com because Steve and his mom wrote a book on the subject. And of course one book led to another (in the search, I mean) and I found tons and tons and tons of books about dating. "Why You Aren't Finding Mr. Right" or "What It Takes to Find Mr. Right." hmmmm.

Cole once pointed out (and so did a guy in one of the reviews, I might add) that if it were so easy and one book could make it happen, then that author would be crazy rich and there would be no single people.

Love isn't a formula. It can't be found in a book, or several. So I was thinking - should I read one? I mean, I'm not going to put my whole life up in this book, believing that if I just read all 350 pages it will bring me divine inspiration and I'll find love as soon as I turn the last page. I mean, that's not reality! But I thought, well, I'm a psych major so at the very least it could be insight into perspective (as in other people's) and maybe give me things to think about that I hadn't before. After all, when I was watching TL I would often form an opinion about the girl's situation only to have Steve put it completely differently. It didn't always change my mind, but it made me think - and thinking is a very good thing (not to be confused with over thinking, btw, which is very, very bad).

So the answer is yes. I bought a book. Two actually. One was a book called Decoding Love. I bought it because they discussed psych, neuroscience and picked apart theories...even if I never found love, it would be an interesting book to read (yes, that's the nerdy academic in me)! the other one I bought was "If I Am So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single." In reviews most people seemed to love this book, which was a good point. Ironically, most didn't like the title, but that's whats led me to choosing it. I mean, its something I have thought so many, many times. Every time a person tells me how wonderful I am, actually. :-P And no, I don't expect the book to change my life or bring me love instantaniously (or at all for that matter, it's a book, not a magic spell!)....but like I said, its a different perspective and who ever went wrong from having an open mind and trying something new?

In other thoughts...for awhile I had taken a break from seeking out people online. Not a long break or whatever...but between talking with Cole, James and Chef Boy'RD (poor guy didn't even get a real name yet) I just thought that three was enough guys to be getting along with for the present moment. Well, Cole read my blog about him and decided to say adios (for good this time), James...I don't know what the hell is up in that situation and Chef Boy'RD and I have slowly fizzled out. So I am stepping back into the ring, if you will - searching and seeking profiles and people. After watching TL I think that I'll do ok. After all, if those girls can fix themselves for a real shot then I probably can too. It's all about staying positive!

So, look forward to more stories soon (hopefully anyway). :-)

-PJ

Dating has its own sense of Darwinism. Only the strong survive (and get married).

It sounds somewhat dramatic to say, but its kind of true. I keep thinking about dating - what a long process it is. How some people become so jaded from it that they are incapable of having positive, successful relationships. How some are permanent bachelors, some join nunneries. These people are what Darwin calls the weak links - those who don't survive the evolutionary process of being a single being into a married one.

I keep trying to decipher whether or not I'll be killed off. Whether or not I'll survive. I haven't even been dating that long, but am already starting to feel the frustrating effects of it. I keeping thinking - can I do this another two years? Another five? But I suppose I am in it for the long haul. History has taught me that I can be alone and survive, but I don't want to simply survive. I want to thrive and I think that I need someone special by my side to do so.

Anyway.

My topic today is good communication. I'm not a scholar on the subject, but I've got some thoughts. And maybe, someone, somewhere will benefit.

When I first started OLD the only person I talked to was Cole (who is in fact Brocko Strongo and doesn't like the name Cole, but I'm going to stick with it because I happen to like that name). Cole was pretty good at communication, as I think I've said. With the exception of ghosting a couple of times, he really did know how to communicate. Like I said before, we wrote emails (long ones). He knew the proper way to have a conversation...reciprocation. In a way, he sort of set the bar for what I thought guys should be like (in that department)...which looking back I find sort of silly because I know full and well how guys are wired in the communication department. He was simply the exception, not the rule.

So when chef boy'rd and just kickin' it came along, communication was not go stellar. It was painful actually. It was like pulling teeth without the option of Novocaine. At first I thought, maybe they just aren't that interested. I mean, in general (as said by my many guy friends) if a guy likes you, he wants to get to know you. And by that I mean he wants to learn stuff about you. Chef boy'rd and Just Kickin' It would answer any question I asked them, but then never ask me anything back. At least Cole seemed to genuinely want to get to know me. Then I thought, maybe it isn't that they don't want to get to know me, maybe its that they just don't articulate things well. I still don't know the answer because I've never met either of them. Just Kickin It, as you know, blew me off and Chef boy'rd just stopped txting me.

And of course there is James. James and I started talking a couple weeks ago. He showed the same signs of an inability to reciprocate in a conversation. I'd ask him a question, he'd respond with an answer and then...nothing. He wouldn't ask me anything, so I'd have nothing much to say in return. The worst part about James is this - after a few emails and him saying we'd definitely see each other at church...he sort of just stopped communicating with me at all. We are now "friends" on facebook, so that gives two easy avenues of places to chat - but nothing. I facebook messaged him about his holiday, but he never wrote back (and the evils of facebook let me know that he was in fact on FB several times - stupid news feed).

So I ask my brother. He's a guy, he'll know.

And he says.... that's what guys do. It's easier for a guy to just stop talking to you than face that conversation of, 'its not going to work out.' Apparently girls tend to ask too many questions or argue the point or whatever. Guys would rather avoid that and just let the conversation float away into nonexistence.

After having it happen a few times I can say I don't doubt the truth in this. Now, I wont say its true for all guys - not every guy can fit a cookie cutter mold...but its hard to sort out those who do from those who don't. Especially when the majority do fit this mold of bad conversationalists and just walk away, never to be heard from again.

Every dating forum I have been on has experienced OLD who say things like, "ladies, don't be surprised if a guy disappears one day and doesn't come back. its sad, but it happens all the time. because guys are rarely ever talking to just you, they are also talking to girls a, b, and c....and you, girl d, didn't match up to girl b, so he is going to stop talking to you to pursue things with girl b...and that's just life." See - dating is darwinistic (only maybe its not only the strong survive. Maybe it's 'only the desireable' survive, or whatever).

Ok, so this is true for 80% males and the poor 20% of the good ones get the fallout from it...cause girls are always expecting their guys to just jet. It sucks, but it's true. Men have to deal with stigmas about being bad at communication and other various sins, but women have their own stigmas too, nobody actually escapes from it...I will say that how a guy communicates doesn't inherently make a guy good or bad. My brother told me he used to just never call a girl again when it wasn't working and I believe that he is a genuinely good guy.

So what can women and men do about the communication issue to ensure good times are had by all (and my disclaimer here: I'm speaking in direct relation to OLD - dating IRL is different and probably holds different guidelines, those I just wouldn't know about)...

Well, first I'd advise reciprocal communication. Meaning when a girl asks you a question, ask back. Or ask something else. But ask. This will keep the conversation flowing. (I seriously cant believe this is something I have to write - I thought everyone knew the basics of this. How does one survive in society otherwise?)

Ok, second...if you're talking to a girl (or guy, because my brother says that girls are guilty of this too, just not as often) and for whatever reason you decide she isn't the one...don't (I'll repeat) DON'T just stop talking to her. Grow a pair, be a man, and tell her you just don't think its going to work out. I'll even write out the sentence so you can copy and paste: "Its been great getting to know you, but I don't think its going to work out. Good luck in the future." Some girls will freak out on you. I apologize for them. Drama seems to be genetically linked to the X chromosome (see, stigma!). Other girls will wonder what's up, but wont say anything (for fear of looking like the drama girl). Either way, its still common courtesy. And if they do end up asking you why or trying to argue the point, you have two options. Option A - tell them why. Option B - ignore them. At this point I think it's ok, because you've done your due diligence in telling them there isn't a chance, so they can, at least, stop waiting.

As for the rest of it? I vote for honesty. I prefer truth to lies. I'm a blunt person, so this is just my way...but I generally think that most people prefer this truth thing too. Its not always easy to hear (or say), but I think its key to good communication. Of course, how you present the truth matters too - but tact and finesse is something you'll have to learn on your own :-)


-PJ