I’m a counselor-to-be, so I know the world isn’t divided up into normal and not normal. There are so many shades of gray that it’s fair to say “normal” is merely perception and doesn’t really exist. I’ve met some really interesting [in a good way] people online. In fact, one I email with regularly seems like a great guy so far. Another one I am text with also seems to be nice.
 
So I guess it’s not fair to say all weird people seem attracted to me as if I am a gigantic magnet for weird/creepy/and not [reasonably] normal…. But it sure feels that way. Anyway, you know I love the mocking block and this guy was just too good to pass up [don’t worry, I know there is a special seat in the 9th circle of hell just for me because of my blogs like this]……
 
So, I’ve been chatting with this guy. I was all set to look past the jail time (ha ha, no, I’m not kidding, he went to jail for a DWAI) because the past is the past and he turned his life towards God and as I’ve been witness to people at my church of people who have dramatically changed their lives when they let God in their heart (and here in lies the little irony to my story). So I was looking past it [tentatively]. But then this little email comes along and I laughed so much…. Not the content perhaps, but…well, you’ll see and then I’ll explain…
 
Background: the guy looks like a cowboy from the south. I don’t know if he actually is or not, but his multiple pictures make him seem so. Add that to the Southern Baptist-like beliefs (no offense to all your Southern Baptists out there) and the way he writes, I assume he has spent a majority of time in the south. Oh, and his pictures also make him seem normal (no, I’m not shallow, I know you can’t judge a book by its cover, which this tale obviously tells)... His profile also seemed great, so he looked good on paper [the weird ones always do]. So after a few messages I start thinking this guy is not what his profile makes him seem [i.e. “normalish”]. I am pretty sure that English is either not his first language or he never properly learned to read and write, because his writing skills are abysmal and he sounds like one of those guys you get when you call a customer service line and he says his name is “Tom,” but he is really a guy from India who barely speaks enough English to handle the call.
 
So one of his emails to me is this…
“……ya, I know that church for I used to go to it. Paster guill (I think that’s how you spell his name) was the pastor and then he cheated on his wife with a college girl so we stopped going, then we went to it not too long ago and they sang a pink floyd song (money) and in that song the is a curse word and the band sand that word and my mom talked to the pastor about that and the past was very rude to my mom and wouldn’t tell my mom is take on cursing so we will not go back to that church. Ya I would say that church is good for new believers but my church is hardcore into the Bible first church that the service is all about Jesus (for He is who we are to follow) and the church is not about how to live life (like with money) you would prolly love my church no lie!”
 
Can you see where I am coming from? This is not even the worst of the emails; it’s just an excerpt from one. But I even wrote back and told him that perhaps we weren’t a good match because he sounds more conservative and I am far more liberal. He wrote me back and said he didn’t know where I got that idea from [where would I get an idea with that, what when people have problems with cursing and all] and that he loved my church and went there for years until his mother told him about the Pastor (which, btw, wasn’t the real story with the Pastor anyhow) and so his family stopped going. And there was more of him back-tracking in the next two of his messages….so I honestly don’t even know what to think about him at this point.
 
At the very least, even if he turned out to be the most non-judgmental guy on the planet and was super supportive of gay people (it came up in our conversation) and he wasn’t the Crazy Christian his letters make him sound like….he is a mamma’s boy. Living at home at age 27 (supposedly because of his jail time awhile back), he tells me his parents are super strict so he can’t go out much AND he doesn’t even question his parents beliefs/views, just going along [religiously] with whatever they tell him. I mean, why wouldn’t I want to be friends with someone so well-adjusted like that? I can’t say too much cause at 26 I live at home too (school loans and master’s programs are the death of my social life), but notice that I have my own life, I run my own life, and I express my views and opinions overtly, without referring back to my mother and what she believes.
 
So what can I say to wrap up this disaster of a conversation? He asked me for my number, insisting I have this all wrong. But like I said, even if our wires got crossed on religion and he isn’t one of those crazy Christians that make the rest of us look bad…. He still has issues. And they are like, Freudian issues…like Oedipus/Electra complexes and weird crap like that [and I don’t even believe in much of Freud’s work]….and well, I deal with crazy daily…I don’t need that in my life.
 
I feel bad for the guy. I get the feeling (from a couple of sentences in a few emails) he doesn’t have a lot of friends or a lot of interest from his profile on the dating website. I am not surprised, but I still feel bad for him. One thing I can definitely say is I am willing to give a lot of people a chance (I mean, I’m not trophy wife, prize catch either), but I do have standards and those standards include a man being well-adjusted with his mother; because I have seen too many relationships that have too many problems because the mom is over-bearing or the relationship is creepy-weird between the two.
 
So, mamma’s boy is out.
And hopefully this blog doesn’t kill me karmicly (yeah, that’s right; I did just make up that word).
 
PJ
 

Greetings. It's been awhile. A lot has happened to me in the past 6 months. I actively stepped away from all dating for awhile to do some work on myself. I think I've somewhat achieved that and so I returned to online dating.

I changed my profile name to something more upbeat and representative of my personality. I updated my pictures. I even went as far as having a professional help me write my page to increase my responses (match.com). So far this has not worked, but what they said was elegant and captured the best of me, so I am okay with it.

But today I want to talk about my latest contact, a man I appropriately named: "The Creeper."

Well, he seemed normal enough. I mean, I wasn't thrilled about a few things in his profile, but in the grand scheme of things they weren't deal breakers and I am trying to be more open minded. I did not know how open minded I would have to be, however. So his first email is nice enough:

"WOW you are beautiful! & you seem like a down to earth nice girl!...
I'd love to talk ". He gave me his name and number, so I thought, why not? So I gave him my info and he texts me. He asks for a picture. This is not so unusual, I think, so I give him one. But then he asks for another. And he sends me his. I loved it - it was the classic "Half naked in front of the gym mirror taking a picture with my cellphone" look that is so cliche it's ridiculous. He isn't hot, but he is nice enough. But then he tells me how beautiful and hot and yummy I am. No, I am not making it up, he described me as yummy. Like I am some type of delicious pastry to be devoured.

I think I am pretty. Hell, my co-worker said I looked sexy the other day. But this guy saw a few pictures of me and is throwing around Aphrodite-like adjectives like its a Sunday football game. I don't take complements well, even I'll acknowledge it, but seriously, there is a line between genuine and telling someone something your *think* they want to hear. My spidey senses started tingling here. But I persevered on because, well, why not?

But then came the personal questions. Like my bra cup size and if I shave in my nether regions. I was shocked. I hadn't even been talking to the guy 24 hours and he is asking me such personal questions. Uh, hello boundaries? The creepiness factor went through the roof and I knew in that moment I would never, ever meet this man in person.

I did, however, answer his questions (not truthfully). I admit. I was curious where the conversation would go. How far would he take it? What's sad is that every question he asked was sex related. Nothing about my personality (but then he tells me how cool I am. Maybe I'm just the first girl who answered his pervey questions and this makes me downright awesome in his book). When the conversation took a turn that sounded suspiciously like sexting, I bowed out. I mean, I've read enough romance novels in my life and have a large enough vocabulary that I can be creative, explicit, and probably down-right dirty. But...well... it's just creepy to talk like that to someone you've never met.

I'm not sure I get this guy, who claims I am, "yummy n hot" and that he is "not after [me] for sex. [I'm] a hottie and seem nice." Again with the reference to my personality that he knows nothing about. And I have such a hard time believing its not about sex when ever single question he asked is sex related. But my favorite part was that he had this great assumption I'd meet up with him this weekend for sex. I told him I wasn't so easy. He also asked for a picture of my v-jay-jay and told me my reward would be a picture of his cock. Man, he really knows how to romance a lady. Lets just get straight to business, who cares about the niceties - like knowing my last name. Yikes! Needless to say I declined the offer. I had to decline it again when he tried to compromise for just a picture of my breast. Because that is so much better. Apparently I entered into the twilight zone of "Match.com Gone Wild."

So The Creeper is being tossed out with the garbage. It was an entertaining day of texting, but by the end of it I just couldn't believe anyone would try to be so personal from day one. (And really, do you really want to date a girl that will just air all her information and take slutty pictures for you? I mean, hello, have some freakin standards!).

And in any case I just got a text message from him, "Well good luck u didnt call n u r online so ur deleted by" I'll save the comments about everything wrong with that sentence from a general point of view. I won't even discuss the punctuation, grammar and spelling and just leave the man with his pride. Or something.

Oh online dating. I did not miss you. But I guess I am back.

-PJ

Ah. There are weeks when no one will write anything to me and I almost forget, in my peaceful life, that online dating exists [I love weeks like this]. And then....out of the blue, I get messages like this and I am reminded why I am pursing online dating from a distance....

"Dear [PJ], please read carefully... you wrote on your profile:

"God is a huge part of my life and I attribute all my success in anything to Him. I feel like God's "better life" for me includes waiting until marriage to have sex. If you have a problem with this or don't see yourself being able to respect my decision, then we probably won't be dating. One thing I'm going to mention straight away on here is that I am not skinny or slender, by any means. I work out, eat right and am spending the time to get healthy, but to be frank, I'm not thin."

Honestly and with all respect... As a man, I respect your wanting to stay celibate until marriage, a lot of men WANT THAT... so don't worry too much about that.
BUT a lot of us also don't care whether you are "skinny" or "slender" as a matter of fact many of us would rather be with a "big" girl than with one who vomits three times a day... no offense to girls who struggle with that, but eating disorders are CREEPY and men don't find that attractive... so don't worry about that too much either, in fact scratch that little bit from your profile mainly because it shows a lack of confidence and that is even less appealing than how much a woman weighs or doesn't weigh. Men want to be loved for who they are as well, focus on that and you may find someone who will love YOU for who YOU ARE... Just some advice sweetie. bye."

I read through it a couple of times before deciding that my emotion about the letter should be offended. I mean...seriously. I don't really think that, in this day and age, a lot of men WANT celibacy until marriage. I mean, I don't have any statistics to back me up here (although he doesn't either), but I got wayyy more messages before I put that little tid-bit into my profile. I see a correlation at least. But I guess that comment was small potatos compared to the one about my weight....so it's going on the mocking block. Cheers.

BUT a lot of us also don't care whether you are "skinny" or "slender" I simply refuse to believe this. Society, sad as it is, prizes thin, you can't tell me the majority of male society doesn't care. as a matter of fact many of us would rather be with a "big" girl I've personally always had a problem with the adjective 'big girl' but what I hate more about this sentence is how he writes it..."big girl." Who knows, perhaps its the quotations that gives it a tone that makes me want to slap him...than with one who vomits three times a dayAnd how exactly does he know that I don't vomit three times a day...he could have just offended me here... no offense to girls who struggle with that, but eating disorders are CREEPY and men don't find that attractiveyou know what I don't find attractive? Guys who write girls with the sole purpose of critiquing their profiles. I find it creepy. And condescending. ... so don't worry about that too much eitherokay...but just because YOU say so...I'll take your opinion as what all men think, in fact scratch that little bit from your profile mainly because it shows a lack of confidence and that is even less appealing than how much a woman weighs or doesn't weighAh. This is the part I really want to roll my eyes at. Lack of confidence? Uh....no, no genius, it doesn't show a lack of confidence. In fact, I'm not sure if you know what that word means, perhaps, before talking you should look up the big words, okay?. Men want to be loved for who they are as well, focus on that and you may find someone who will love YOU for who YOU ARE... Just some advice sweetieDon't even get me started on the whole sweetie thing. bye." Honestly...I am just really confused on why this guy is single.

Okay...so perhaps more than mocking it I am just flat-out annoyed by this guy (who, btw, has this creepy picture in which the word serial killer comes to mind). I mean, seriously. I don't understand how telling people that I am not thin equates to a lack of confidence. It DOES, however, equate to an honest, realistic picture of myself and where I am in my life. Notice how I don't lie to anyone so they are getting a nice surprise, expecting one thing and getting something else. I am not sure how this genius came up with a lack of confidence...but anyone who actually knows me, knows that I am a pretty confident person in general. *sigh*

I am tempted to write this guy back. Like...

Hey "Sweetie" Please ready carefully [and incidentally...who the F writes that in a message anyway?] who do you think you are and why on earth would you write someone a message like that? If I wanted your opinion I'd have asked for it. But I don't want it. Because clearly you are crazy. And while we are on that subject, you really should refrain from posting those pictures of yourself. When I see them, I imagine a cabin in the woods and you taking women there to murder them with a chain saw. In case you weren't aware, girls like guys that aren't creepy looking; re: they don't look like serial killers in pursuit of their next victim. Just a thought, you know, in case you wanted my unsolicited opinion on the matter.

....But maybe just letting it go, taking the higher road in not pointing out that his lack of intelligence is a turnoff and girls honestly appreciate a man who is...you know...not a condescending idiot... is the way to go on this one.

*shakes head*

PJ

My continued frustration with OLD is the whole communication thing. I mean I don't know how hard it is to have a reciprocal conversation with someone, but apparently it is a real issue for men.

Case and point.

This guy started messaging me - his first message was "hi," which you all know I hate, but I looked past that and said hello back. So we exchange a few emails...but the conversation comes to a screeching halt when...well, here is the convo:

"hi :)

hello :-)
how are you?

pretty good how bout yourself? my name is xxx

I am doing well myself, thank you. My name is xxx :-)

nice to meet u :)...u like reggae huh? u like Pepper?

No, I don't actually like reggae. I said I could exclude them in the list of music I liked. Are you a reggae fan?

just Sublime and Pepper

I have a few songs of each on my IPOD, but overall I am not a huge fan of the genre. What other music do you listen to?

im a electronica dj, and anythig but emo, and metal. oh and that auto tune crap like akon.:

[crickets chirping] and thats it. How do I even reply to that? How hard is it to ask a follow up? How about "what music do you listen to?" Or pick another topic! Anything! Please don't make me carry the conversation - because I could answer this with something like, "that's cool, do you like being a DJ?" or maybe comment on electronica (though I don't know what that is), but really...I don't want to be the only one talking!

I read once (and have heard many times) that if a guy is interested, he wants to get to know you. I guess this means that all these guys messaging me aren't actually interested. Or maybe they are all really crappy at communication. Even the dates I have been on in the past year have been more one sided. Gotham City barely asked me anything about myself (if I didn't ask a question, it was radio silence). Even Sexy Pants was like that a little. What is the deal? Anyone have the foggiest idea?

And don't even get me started on IM guy, who does not seem able to about anything other than himself. I mean it. It was like the most painful thing. I wish I had some of the IM's saved - just to show you I am not making things up - there was no reciprocation. None. Ugh.

And these are only a few of the many males whom I have had this problem with *sigh*

Okay, I was ranting. Obviously this lack of communication really bothers me. I think back to that one guy (what did I call him? hmmm). He really had the best emails. There were answers and questions and it was honestly easy to talk with him. Too bad it didn't work out. Of course even my guy friends seem to have issues with being reciprocal. So maybe it is a gender thing? Or a me thing. Who knows. But its annoying. Okay, now I am done. I wish I had some stuff to throw on the mocking block, but its been a relatively slow week.

-PJ

So I have sort of taken a mini-break from OLD for a little bit. I just needed some space from all the people out there who can’t spell or make intelligent conversation (or any conversation, really). The poor guys I have been talking to must think I’ve dropped off the face of the earth. Ah, well, none of them were exactly winners. Texas guy was nice, but lived in Texas. The One-Upper was far too cocky for my taste. Nothing to lament. But I got on today and since I was bored at work I started looking at a few profiles. I have two favorites to put on the mocking block….

1.) This guy states he is 4’6 and has lost 7 teeth, isn’t remotely funny, and writes lots of other things that are of similar fashion. Clearly he is trying to be sarcastic, maybe he thinks he is funny? There is such a thing as being OVERLY sarcastic though. I mean, there is a point where it is just over-the-top annoying. This guy reached it in the first paragraph…but then he goes on for about five more.

2.)This guy states “Either way I feel I should inform you that I have the three things that women want." (oh boy, I am intrigued - because we women all want the exact same three things). "I’m hot, and I’m smart.” Uh…where is the third thing? Well, buddy, I really don't think you are as smart as you seem to think you are. You can’t even count to three. And I was really looking forward to finding out what that third thing was. Darn.

I did get an email from yet another guy living in Texas (what is it with people in that state?). I don’t understand it. He seemed pretty nice though. Too bad he lives in Texas. I got a couple of emails from soldiers currently in Iraq, wanting to email until they return home and then go out. I guess a guy close to home is too much to ask for?

A guy friend of mine is also doing online dating. He seems to be having trouble too. So apparently it’s not just the general stupidity of the male gender. It's just the general stupidity of the human species (this doesn't make me feel much better). I guess we just gotta keep keep on keeping on though. Eventually someone will come along (I hope).


-PJ

I am convinced when a guy says that he really looks forward to chatting and for us to get to know each other, what he really means is that he is looking forward to getting to talk about himself for an entire night. Case and point...the guy I am currently IM'ing (as we speak) is devilish hard to have a conversation with. I mean, if we aren't talking about him, we aren't talking. If I don't ask him a question about himself 10 minutes can go by without chatter. But he was so incredibly interested in getting to know me. Hmmm... this isn't the first guy to do this either. Is this a male trait I am just not aware of? A complete inability to ask a girl questions about her life, but a complete ability to talk about himself for long periods of time? I mean, I know its in my nature to ask questions, I've always been a curious girl that asks more questions than I answer...but come on...when 10 minutes can go by, this is no longer about my curious nature and more about his narcissism.

I am officially opting out of one of my matches: Chatterbox, as I have officially named him. He and I couldn't get past one sentence emails and though mine always included a question, his did not. I don't mind working a little to get a conversation going, but seriously. It was painful. So, bye, bye chatterbox.

And while we are on the subject of conversation....my least favorite phrase in the history of online dating is "tell me about yourself." Ugh. What exactly am I going to say? "Hi, my name is PJ, I'm a Gemini and I like long walks on the beach at sunset?"(And yes, I did email that to someone, if your curious). I mean really? Ask me a question and I'll answer it...but don't leave it so open ended! Ah, that's just a pet-peeve I suppose.

Alright, clearly I'm in a little bit of a ranting mood tonight. This guy I am IM'ing is just boring me to tears. Luckily Tebow and I are txting...he is funny at least.

Until next time,
-PJ

I think it's become sort of a tradition to start out with my more interesting messages. And if you knew me in real life, you'd know I am not one to break traditions. So...

"I give GOD the praise to know that there are people in this site that really take Christianity serious. It brings joy to know I have a someone to understand my Born Again language.
I will like to know you more, and if you think the same, you just a few words to my mail box.
I know that there is what they call scamming? But there is only ONE (1) pastor Fabian in Cameroon. May the LORD GOD of heaven, decorate you with the dew of blessings for this season. JESUS is LORD" I don't even know what to say. The guy literally rendered me speechless. Although I will say I didn't realize that "Born Again" was a language. And whatever disillusions this poor soul is under...I definitely don't understand the language. It's not only Greek to me, it's weird Greek. It's like, crazy, psychopath Greek. I didn't have the heart to email him back and tell him that mostly Born Again Christians just freak me out.

One guy emailed me and called me ma'am. And while that sort of think might work if you see me in person, have a southern accent, and are tipping your cowboy hat in my direction, otherwise it just makes me feel old - difficult to do, as I am only 25.

But seriously. The guys that give me the most headaches are the ones who just say "hi." Because of my new dating rules (all 4 of them) I now reply to those guys who just say hi. And then it becomes very painful when we exchange one sentence emails back and forth. It almost makes me wish for the guys who wrote weird, but at least entertaining, messages. Ah, the grass is always greener right?

Alright, but enough of that crap. I have two updates for you.

1.) The one guy I am talking to now (who does not live in TX anyway, which is a whole other story), is well...driving me crazy. No one is that positive about life. And this is coming from me, a person who (despite all evidence to the contrary) is pretty positive. And the guy is a little very cocky. So why am I letting this charade continue? Well...I don't really know. Masochism maybe?

2.) Mr. Gotham City and I went on a date.

And now the fun begins....

Well, first of all, if I hadn't talked with Gotham City previously, I'd have thought he was gay when I first met him. I actually am secretly wondering if his strong objections to the gay population is mere homophobia that stems from the fact that he secretly is gay. In which case, man I really know how to pick them. But for the sake of this blog, lets pretend he is in fact straight and I can continue my story....

So we go to the Denver Zoo Lights, which is something I have always wanted to do on a date. Although, when I imagined it, we were strolling through the lights, not walking at lightening speed. Which we were in fact doing. And we started out with typical conversation...until he mentioned that Colorado is not only a liberal state, but way too feminist. Yeah. That didn't really go over so well with me. But I was polite. I held my tongue. So the date continues and suddenly I am hearing about how college is the anti-Christ and it is evil and has gotten away from teaching people the values of Christ. And even though religion, money and politics are forbidden subjects on the first date...well, I couldn't help myself. So we gotten into a discussion about God. I politely listened and asked questions about his views (while secretly mocking him my head - which sounds mean, but I swear if you heard what I heard, you'd be mocking him to. Just admit it to yourself and we can move on).

And if his views of Christianity weren't weird (and uneducated) enough, he soon divulged his beliefs about the government. That's right ladies and gents... a bona-fide conspiracy theorist. And here I really had to work hard at not laughing. Also, he seriously believed he wasn't a judgmental person (although I am not sure where his definition of judgmental comes from, given that he is completely text-book judgmental) And of course he also let me know that I was too smart for my own good. And if everything else didn't cinch my belief that this was a one-time date, that comment certainly did.

I am trying to decide if Gotham City was worse than creepy stare guy. No...I guess not. At least I had an interesting conversation with Gotham City. Or, really, any conversation at all. Of course I had to work hard to keep the conversation going. That's right, if I wasn't asking questions or he wasn't explaining his bizarre views on something, we weren't talking. I don't think he asked me a single personal question all night. I don't know why it is so hard for people to ask about the other person. I mean, in my upcoming profession its a requirement, and really, it's always come naturally for me....but I can't imagine its that hard otherwise. I mean seriously.

I almost pulled out the bat signal and messaged my best friend to save me, but I didn't call for reinforcements. I just debated the existence of God with him instead (which was fun...for me anyway). I argued that the "soul" could be explained by science (the neocortex of the brain) and that spouted off a whole bunch of random scientific facts that don't exactly point to God. He didn't like this very much (and this apparently further proved his point that college was a tool of Satan teaching untrue things about God). I, of course, believe in God, Christ and having a soul...but it was fun to see him squirm for a moment...you know, using my too-smart brain, which was developed at Satan's school with all of his evil tools of persuasion. Needless to say, any chance of romance was over long before this conversation started (I'm not completely stupid. I do, in fact, know how to act on a first date).

So while it was an unsuccessful evening I definitely learned a few things. One, no crazy Christians for me. Two, no conservatives and three, no conspiracy theorists. Oh, and while we didn't talk about it, I am pretty sure he'd want me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen when the time came...and since I am a feminist, I think I'm going to have to require my next date at least believe in feminism and think it is an okay thing.

So that's it from the desk of this online dater.
Lets just hope the next entry is as entertaining :-)

-PJ