Alright. I concede. It is not as easy to write a message as it seems. I know I relentlessly mock some guys for their lack of writing abilities and perhaps this is part of my seemingly bad juju at dating. I don't know. I can't seem to help it though - most of the letters are quite bad (and at least I hand over proof!)

But today I am bored at work and I have discovered my okcupid app seems to work when connected to the wifi, so I was looking at my matches. Curiously, only one guy's picture came up (the rest wouldn't load). He was a guy I've been thinking about messaging for a couple days...so, taking this as a cue from fate, I messaged him.

I actually sat there staring at the screen for a minute, marveling at the irony of the situation. I did not know what to say or how to phrase a message to a perfect stranger. What could I say that would grab this man's attention and set me apart from the other girls? Should I be witty? Should I be sweet? What should I do?

And it dawned on me that all these men that I mock possibly have these same questions in their minds as they write me. Hmmmm. Interesting.

If I am at all honest with myself (or you fine people), then I will admit that these feelings of empathy are probably going to be short lived. As soon as some poor guy messages me I will rack up some more bad juju and write about them in here, mercilessly mocking their inability to write a good, original letter. It's bound to happen. I'm just saying.

But until that day comes (and we all know it will) I will empathize with guys who write these letters. They really can be difficult to phrase.

...but speaking of bad letters, I got a particularly cheesy one today:
"Hey there! You're not plain at all... Smart, pretty, sexy... A triple threat!"

I sort of akin it to this one to:
"I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons."

So that empathy lasted long ;-)

-PJ

I'll never get tired of funny messages. And by funny, I don't mean hilarious...I mean good mocking material. Ok. Maybe one day when I am 40 years old, have 50 cats, am still single and waiting for Mr. Right to come, I'll get tired of messages that are scripted like the ones below. But until that day comes...bring on the mockery.

So who is first on the mocking-block today? It's keeper*** all the way from Westminster, Colorado (that will sound a lot cooler if you pretend I said it in a game-show voice).

Here is keeper***'s message:

...hey,....how are you? I am a naughty boy and am looking for some fun! There are so many fake people on here and i really hope your not one of them lol i have had these crazy messages like send me money to sibera so i can come be with you forever its so stupid how dumb do people really think others are, anyways i figured i will take the straight up approach so in that case..... I love to be spanked and love to be used and be taught that you are superior to me. I hope you like what you hear i am just tryin to be upfront and honest as i think that is better then telling you lies and then in the end it not being something your interested in :) hopefully i will hear back from you soon and you can spank me soon too :) talk to you soon!

Yes folks, just breathe it in....and three, two one....here I go.

Well keeper***, I think the first thing we must establish is that you are not, in fact a keeper. You see, keepers are ones who have a basic comprehension of reading. If you did have this fine skill, you would have read the part in my profile that pretty much flat out said no sex until marriage. You not only imply sex, but some sort of kinky s&m thing (you want me to teach you I am superior to you...that won't exactly be hard will it?)...yeah, I don't think so. And if that weren't enough, your picture looks like...well, like you just swallowed something nasty...not exactly a picture worth keeping either. So, after careful consideration, I think I will decline your request to...uh...spank you...and just not reply.

Next!

Haha, I really don't care that I'd never have a chance with you, but I have to tell you. You are the most amazingly gorgeous, beautiful, sexy girl I've ever seen on here! You're just a joy to look at :P

Well, of course, my cupid friend, I am amazingly gorgeous, beautiful and sexy - I am in the elite club on okcupid. Duh. But aside from that, all you get are my thanks. Not that you aren't a joy to look at too (really, a joy? you couldn't come up with a better word there?), but we don't seem to have much in common. Thanks for the compliment though. Oh and uh, not to sound cynical, but I'll eat my hat if you actually meant that sincerely (and don't say it to all the cupid girls).

Last one for the evening...

thought i'd hit you up and see if you want to chat sometime,
if interested let me know

A

You thought you'd hit me up? Really? Couldn't have phrased that one a little better? Perhaps after being called "amazingly gorgeous, beautiful and sexy" you really didn't have a solid chance...but something more than "thought i'd hit you up" might have at least made me give pause... as it is, zero points for originality and zero chance with me.


Well friends, it is my [humble] opinion that the elite club of okcupid isn't very special. I just did a search and I did not, in fact, see more attractive people. Instead, I saw the same people I always see. That isn't to say some weren't good looking...it is to say that most were...not. If this is what membership into the elite club costs...then being called "attractive" on this site isn't much of a compliment. I know a very manly woman with a deep voice who might even make the cut.

Oh single-hood at age 40 and 50 meowing cats...here I come.


-PJ

I have not been all that active in the dating world. I actually met a guy and went out on a date. I had a great time and he did too (or so he said)...but just two days later he told me he didn't think we should go out again. It was a sting, but I'll tell you - he was straight up honest and he spelled it out nice and plain (no wishy-washy crap there). Now that's something i can respect.

But now....well, OLD has taken a back seat. It's a tiring process. I work 40 hours a week and am in school. If I am going to put time and energy into something, it needs to be worth it. And so far, OLD hasn't been. Instead, I have actually just been really focused on me right now, which I think is good. Of course, that doesn't mean guys still don't write me. I'll share:

This guy has written me three times (huh, you'd think after not recieveing a reply the first time he'd have gotten the message!)

Message 1: "im 22 . looking for everything realtionships,dateing ect... hey cutie whats up? hows life?"
Message 2: "dam cute n great smile ;) holla backs plz dont be shy ss"
Message 3: "hey cutie wuts up? hows life? hollla backs n lets talk ! dont be shy."

I dont mind telling you half of this guys profile name: SlickNick...because I think its funny. I don't think girls want a "slick" guy cause it implies a certain amount of playerness...and well, I dont really want a player. But SN is 22, which I specifically state in my profile 23 is my youngest age for guys...so clearly we are dealing with someone who doesn't read the directions - never a good sign. And I have never been one for the pet name "cutie" it just sounds so.....high school. And makes me sound like some freshman girl (please, Im 25!). And holla backs? Really? Seriously? Oh, and dude, I'm not shy, I'm just not interested.

Alright, that was the only worthy one of mocking. The rest weren't half bad. Not great, either, but not half bad. Actually my real reason for the blog today was the email I got from Okcupid last night:

"We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.

How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver.

. . .
Your new elite status comes with one important privilege:

You will now see more attractive people in your match results.

This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results.

. . .
Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see.

Wow. Where to start? It's kind of insulting. I think. I mean, I've never been considered one of the beautiful people and I am truly ok with that. I think the insulting part is actually that people who aren't considered "attractive" are going to get less attractive matches. I mean what does that really say about okcupid (hello - Shallow!)? Or society for that matter. I guess I know it's part of society - the beautiful people tend to date/marry the beautiful people, and the rest of us are out to fend for something a little less pretty (and probably a whole lot less shallow, so really, we probably win anyway). But do we really have to carry over this kind of shallow thought process onto a dating website? Really? Who is this helping?

I guess I should be flattered that I will now be getting more attractive matches, but somehow I'm not. I've always seen myself marrying some kind of nerdy guy (like nbc's chuck) or something...definitely not Malibu barbie's ex.

Besides, while I do think I am pretty, I think my profile picture makes me look a whole lot prettier than I spend most days looking. No, I didnt retouch it or anything, but it happened to be an instance of perfect lighting (and a good hair/makeup day)...so it really doesn't feel like the real me...more like the barbazon version of me.

Most days I were far less makeup (some days none at all). So by this picture I may be voted on as attractive, but in real life? I'm just me. So here is the real scenario: I get matched with all these more attractive guys, who are expecting this girl. And they may get her for date night and occasionally thereafter...but much beyond that, probably not so much. So they are disappointed and feeling I am not so attractive, and because people can be a bit shallow when it comes to looks (yes, I know, not all people)...well, there will be heartache. (And it probably wont add to my self-esteem any).

I may be over stating it. Maybe it wouldn't happen like that. I just think it's more likely to happen when you lump a kind of ordinary girl in with all the "attractive" people. And I am sure I am not the only one reading this email and thinking that. Or maybe I am. Who knows.

My point? Online dating was fun for awhile and it makes for a good antic-dote, but I think I'll just continue to work on me. And like Michael Buble says, "I might have to wait, I'll never give up, I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck, Wherever you are, whenever it's right, You'll come out of nowhere and into my life"


-PJ