I've been unemployed for a while now, but I think I have found the perfect job: helping men with their profiles so that they don't scream at the very least, "very creepy" and at the most, "serial killer." I've received quite a few messages this week. The following are just a few of the best (re: worst). I will show you my talents of explaining what NOT to post in your profile and messages.

Here is one example:

Um....gosh, so much to say. Where to start? Where to start? How about I just say - no creepy face masks that make you look like a serial killer. I mean why? What was this guy thinking? This photo is sure to bring in the ladies? No, no it won't. Because it's creepy. And it makes me think you may just turn me into a skin suit. And ladies, if, by some complete lapse in judgment, you consider this guy, let me refer you to example two:















I blocked out his face out for privacy, but I'll tell you what he was doing. He was mirroring the creepy clown picture behind him. Yeah. That's just. Well, you know.



















So I would like to open this business and offer consulting for people on dating websites. I would almost do it for free because I almost feel sorry for this guy (and whomever he messages). He is never going to get a date with pictures like these. I guarantee it. But perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe there is a Ms. Creepy for this clown-loving-face-mask-wearing guy. Love comes in all forms I guess.

This business is not all about the pictures either. I would also like to help guys write their initial messages to a woman. I've gotten a lot of great examples this week. this first one is, I hope am sure is a typo. Because otherwise, it's just creepy.


Yes. That's it. The entire message. Did he forget to put "will?" As in, "I will find you" ??? (hello creepy!) Or maybe he was writing the message, accidentally hit send, realized his mistake and.... didn't write another message finishing his thought? Ummm.....let's just move on.







Of course I have gotten a few astrology sign messages in my day. They always give me a laugh.

I don't keep up on astrology, but I am pretty sure two Geminis dating is a recipe for disaster. Obliviously he doesn't know that. Or he does know and wants to give it the ol' college try. Perhaps we are destined to be greater than the fate that the astrological world predicts. Or something.





Then, of course, there is relocation and domestic partnership:



"Hi, I don't know you, but would you up and move your whole life for me so we can be wed and you can be my housewife? You'll never have to work again. I promise. There is just one catch. You'll have to live in the basement with these custom chains I had made just for you. They have, uh, diamonds on them. See? I promised you one ring, but I am so awesome I am going to give you two. Oh yes, and I forgot, its such a dangerous neighborhood, so I will, of course, be putting bars on the windows and locking the door. Its for your protection, you see." So, apparently this is not just a dating website, but a mail-order bride website. Or the start of a really bad serial killer movie. Please, please, please tell me no one actually falls for this???


This next one is my favorite.
Aside from boasting about his prince Albert piercing, it's mostly because it is so lazy and unimaginative. The guy basically copied his profile into his message. Not even all of it. These must be the tantalizing bits he thinks will win me over. Ravish and drain? I'm curious. If your imagination spreads so thin that you have to resort to copying and pasting your lines from profile to message, exactly how do you plan on ravishing me? I think it probably takes a bit of creativity; I mean to ravish and drain someone indicates some skill and skill in this arena usually indicates the ability to be creative. You aren't exactly exuberating confidence here. Oh, I get it. That's what Prince Albert is for. You're bad in bed and he makes up for it; does the heavy lifting. Got it.


Personally, I think I could make a fortune. Do you realize this is just a tiny sample of poor message/profiles in the vast space of online dating? I don't have any statistics, but I wager its a very high percentage of men that have something similar to one of these examples and, not surprisingly, they aren't attracting a lot of positive attention. It's like a profitable service for the individual man and a kind of community service for women everywhere.

Plain Jane's Guide to Online Dating is officially in business.

-PJ

I am, by no means, a elegant person. I am awkward and I fumbled through life in such a way that I could easily do a palm-face, shaking head motion to almost anything. Especially in the real world, especially with men. Except for on dates. Oddly enough, I'm like a peacock displaying my best feathers and I have to say, I do pretty well. It may be the only time I actually make sense to strangers. I am just prefacing this because I am about to step up to the mocking block and ...well...

We are going to call this guy "Just Friends Guy (JFG)" Now, we started talking some time ago, I don't know when exactly, but long enough that I deleted his chats and forgot he existed. I can only assume he fell off my radar because I was either interested in someone else or not interested enough in him. He contacted me (again) a few short weeks ago and said he had been going through old messages and saw I was active again (re: he re-checked out my profile because that's the only way he could possibly know this information). I emailed him back and told him (in my most apologetic messaging tone) that I was sorry, but I had forgotten who he was. He replied with the entirety of our conversations from a few months ago. Well, that's weird. But moving on. I read those messages over and he had seemed nice enough, so still not remembering the events that led me away from him, I decided to talk to him again. And he was pretty interesting.

Unluckily for him, I had just had a week of having been stood up and blown off twice in one week by two separate men, so I was feeling a little anti-men at that moment. But we talked a bit and he asked me out and because I am me, I throw caution to the wind, and say yes. But due to the holidays, we didn't actually set a date for our date until in between that forgotten week between Christmas and New Years. Over the holidays we texted messaged causal "hellos" and "how is your day?" kind of conversation; nothing exciting. I wasn't trying too hard because of the whole nightmare men disaster I previously mentioned, but I had the common sense not to say that, so I just did my part in the conversation to convey interested and a little somewhat-suppressed excitement of meeting him. Cool as a cucumber, I believe the phrase.

So date night comes (Friday night) and he chooses a new bar (as in brand new, it had opened on the previous Tuesday). This is his thing: going to new bars and restaurants. He likes trying new places, never orders the same thing twice. That's cool, I think (although to be honest, I am utterly habitual about routine, so something we don't have in common). But then he says, "I picked this place because it's new and that's my thing. So even if you didn't show up, it wouldn't matter because I wanted to come here anyway."  ...... It wouldn't matter? Wow, way to make a girl feel special. 'Your presence doesn't matter because I wanted to do this anyway, so it's all good for me either way.'

Ok. Fine. This guy is young (mid-twenties, which everyone knows in maturity level is like, early twenties for men) and first dates, by nature, can be awkward so I'll look past it. As we talk he paints a pretty good picture of himself. He likes normal things, challenges, has good, healthy relationships, goals, dreams, ideas and he is pretty cute. Finally! I think. A good catch. And we laugh and talk about things I'd like to do with my life and the current dreams he is pursuing (after another awkward moment when he explained to me the concept of confidentiality in the business world (I am a counselor and confidentiality is par for the course in my job and he knows this, but again, I chalk this up to first date jitters). We even talk to this poor guy who sullied up to the bar in an exhausted kind of way. It turns out he owns the acupuncture place next door who is waiting for the plumber to fix his issue with the toilets. Originally from California, this guy's dream was to attend college at Berkeley, but he never attained that dream.Funny enough, he moved to CO an set up shop in this neighborhood - two points if you can name the neighborhood correctly - why yes, it is Berkeley. I know this much detail (actually far more) about the man's life because he basically crashed our date for a bit. JFG chatted him up (in such a way that it is almost like they were on a date). These two are talking about how interesting the bar is and they even share a sip of the same cocktail (yep, two total strangers drinking from the same cup. This is getting weird, I think; especially so because when Berkeley leaves, he tells JFG to finish his drink for him and JFG actually does. Again with the awkward. So we are having what I consider to be a good time and then abruptly (and I do mean that in the truest sense of the word) he asks for the check, pays for the drinks, and within five minutes we are outside of the restaurant and I am wondering how that happened so quickly. In my head I actually asked the question, "Is it something I said?" because it was such a quick turn around. Or perhaps he just reached his two drink limit on his own night out on the town, to which I seem to be an accessory, not an actual key player in the evening. Well, given the  guy's name, you must know where this is headed. We walk a little ways up the road and appropriately, our cars happen to be in separate directions. JFG gives me the line, "I think we should just be friends" and a quick, awkward hug, and he is gone.

Ouch. Okay, that hurt. Despite these weird moments, the guy was genuinely nice and I really have to give him kudos because he was direct and honest about the date not working out. This has never happened in the ten years I've been dating. Ever. But the thing is, is that I already have friends and I am not looking for new ones, so in my head, I take his "just friends" line as the widely socially accepted rejection that it is and try to move forward.

On New Years day, I get this text message from him and it reads, "Happy New Year! So, part of my new years tradition is to help other people with their goals. So let me know if you are serious about trying to get a nonprofit counseling service going or want to hook up your bike to your tv. I would love to help!"

At first I am just incredulous. Speechless. I've got the "wait, what?" line running through my head more than once. Did this guy.... did he really just reject me so openly and then offer to help improve my life? Did he really mean he wanted to be friends? Like I would go on a date with him, be friend-zoned and actually want to be friends with him!!! Oh come on. No one is that clueless. Not today, not in the dating world. Being friend-zoned is a verb and people use it often. This guy can't be so incredibly naive to think a woman who is interested in him romantically is willing to settle for just friendship. Not two days after the rejection. And certainly not with the offer of helping to improve her life. No. Just no.

And just to be sure it wasn't me being overly negative, I asked some people around me if they thought this was weird. Insensitive. Ridiculous. Clueless. Naive. And the answer was yes. Because it is. All of those things. Even now, as I type this a day later I am still baffled. I want to talk to this kid and ask him to explain his logic and how he though texting a 32 year old woman that he just turned down with an offer to help her with her life goals was anything short of idiotic. I also want to tell him one of my goals in 2018 is to get into a relationship and ask if he seriously wants to help with that one too?

In case you are wondering, I did text him back and no, I did not ask him WTF? (though believe me, I wanted to). Instead I said happy new year, thanks for the offer, and I'll keep him in mind. And I will. Keep this poor, clueless, awkward guy in mind.....I'll keep him in mind as another OLD dating disaster and hopefully will never go on a date like that again.

Welcome to 2018 everyone.
-PJ


(now on twitter @plainjanedating)