Dating has its own sense of Darwinism. Only the strong survive (and get married).

It sounds somewhat dramatic to say, but its kind of true. I keep thinking about dating - what a long process it is. How some people become so jaded from it that they are incapable of having positive, successful relationships. How some are permanent bachelors, some join nunneries. These people are what Darwin calls the weak links - those who don't survive the evolutionary process of being a single being into a married one.

I keep trying to decipher whether or not I'll be killed off. Whether or not I'll survive. I haven't even been dating that long, but am already starting to feel the frustrating effects of it. I keeping thinking - can I do this another two years? Another five? But I suppose I am in it for the long haul. History has taught me that I can be alone and survive, but I don't want to simply survive. I want to thrive and I think that I need someone special by my side to do so.

Anyway.

My topic today is good communication. I'm not a scholar on the subject, but I've got some thoughts. And maybe, someone, somewhere will benefit.

When I first started OLD the only person I talked to was Cole (who is in fact Brocko Strongo and doesn't like the name Cole, but I'm going to stick with it because I happen to like that name). Cole was pretty good at communication, as I think I've said. With the exception of ghosting a couple of times, he really did know how to communicate. Like I said before, we wrote emails (long ones). He knew the proper way to have a conversation...reciprocation. In a way, he sort of set the bar for what I thought guys should be like (in that department)...which looking back I find sort of silly because I know full and well how guys are wired in the communication department. He was simply the exception, not the rule.

So when chef boy'rd and just kickin' it came along, communication was not go stellar. It was painful actually. It was like pulling teeth without the option of Novocaine. At first I thought, maybe they just aren't that interested. I mean, in general (as said by my many guy friends) if a guy likes you, he wants to get to know you. And by that I mean he wants to learn stuff about you. Chef boy'rd and Just Kickin' It would answer any question I asked them, but then never ask me anything back. At least Cole seemed to genuinely want to get to know me. Then I thought, maybe it isn't that they don't want to get to know me, maybe its that they just don't articulate things well. I still don't know the answer because I've never met either of them. Just Kickin It, as you know, blew me off and Chef boy'rd just stopped txting me.

And of course there is James. James and I started talking a couple weeks ago. He showed the same signs of an inability to reciprocate in a conversation. I'd ask him a question, he'd respond with an answer and then...nothing. He wouldn't ask me anything, so I'd have nothing much to say in return. The worst part about James is this - after a few emails and him saying we'd definitely see each other at church...he sort of just stopped communicating with me at all. We are now "friends" on facebook, so that gives two easy avenues of places to chat - but nothing. I facebook messaged him about his holiday, but he never wrote back (and the evils of facebook let me know that he was in fact on FB several times - stupid news feed).

So I ask my brother. He's a guy, he'll know.

And he says.... that's what guys do. It's easier for a guy to just stop talking to you than face that conversation of, 'its not going to work out.' Apparently girls tend to ask too many questions or argue the point or whatever. Guys would rather avoid that and just let the conversation float away into nonexistence.

After having it happen a few times I can say I don't doubt the truth in this. Now, I wont say its true for all guys - not every guy can fit a cookie cutter mold...but its hard to sort out those who do from those who don't. Especially when the majority do fit this mold of bad conversationalists and just walk away, never to be heard from again.

Every dating forum I have been on has experienced OLD who say things like, "ladies, don't be surprised if a guy disappears one day and doesn't come back. its sad, but it happens all the time. because guys are rarely ever talking to just you, they are also talking to girls a, b, and c....and you, girl d, didn't match up to girl b, so he is going to stop talking to you to pursue things with girl b...and that's just life." See - dating is darwinistic (only maybe its not only the strong survive. Maybe it's 'only the desireable' survive, or whatever).

Ok, so this is true for 80% males and the poor 20% of the good ones get the fallout from it...cause girls are always expecting their guys to just jet. It sucks, but it's true. Men have to deal with stigmas about being bad at communication and other various sins, but women have their own stigmas too, nobody actually escapes from it...I will say that how a guy communicates doesn't inherently make a guy good or bad. My brother told me he used to just never call a girl again when it wasn't working and I believe that he is a genuinely good guy.

So what can women and men do about the communication issue to ensure good times are had by all (and my disclaimer here: I'm speaking in direct relation to OLD - dating IRL is different and probably holds different guidelines, those I just wouldn't know about)...

Well, first I'd advise reciprocal communication. Meaning when a girl asks you a question, ask back. Or ask something else. But ask. This will keep the conversation flowing. (I seriously cant believe this is something I have to write - I thought everyone knew the basics of this. How does one survive in society otherwise?)

Ok, second...if you're talking to a girl (or guy, because my brother says that girls are guilty of this too, just not as often) and for whatever reason you decide she isn't the one...don't (I'll repeat) DON'T just stop talking to her. Grow a pair, be a man, and tell her you just don't think its going to work out. I'll even write out the sentence so you can copy and paste: "Its been great getting to know you, but I don't think its going to work out. Good luck in the future." Some girls will freak out on you. I apologize for them. Drama seems to be genetically linked to the X chromosome (see, stigma!). Other girls will wonder what's up, but wont say anything (for fear of looking like the drama girl). Either way, its still common courtesy. And if they do end up asking you why or trying to argue the point, you have two options. Option A - tell them why. Option B - ignore them. At this point I think it's ok, because you've done your due diligence in telling them there isn't a chance, so they can, at least, stop waiting.

As for the rest of it? I vote for honesty. I prefer truth to lies. I'm a blunt person, so this is just my way...but I generally think that most people prefer this truth thing too. Its not always easy to hear (or say), but I think its key to good communication. Of course, how you present the truth matters too - but tact and finesse is something you'll have to learn on your own :-)


-PJ