"When I was growing up I remember asking my grandfather why he didn't have much to say. He said that just because I know something doesn't mean other people had to hear about it. At least not right away. It might sound like something harsh to say to a kid, but my grandfather is one of those outwardly sarcastic, inwardly kind types. I'm smart and figured out pretty young that I could put a shine on people telling them something that I'd learned, so when he said this to me I blew right past the message. So many possibilities exist, and then I start trying to tell you the way things are. Why would I do that? No, its better if I trust you to figure me out on your own. "

well said fellow online dater. well said.

PJ

Sometimes there is a lull when online dating. I have reduced my profiles online down to basically Okcupid because I find the other sites, including match.com (a paid site) to be lacking. Okcupid has not been the most fantastic experience, after all, all of my crazy dates came from there, but somehow I feel most comfortable on this site.

They have this feature called "locals" now. It uses GPS to locate where you are and then shows you the pictures of others in your area. It is based only on pictures, so its a physical attraction thing. If you and the other person "like" each others photos, your both emailed. I both like and hate this feature. Call it whatever you want, but basically your are judging people on their looks only. The greatest problem of this feature is that you know nothing about the other person. For instance, this guy "liked" me and vice versa. When I got to his profile though, his profile said "don't message me if your liberal." If you know me, you know I am about as liberal as you can get! Had he known that...well, he wouldn't have wasted our time. Not that its a huge deal or anything, I am just saying...it's kind of annoying. I do have fun with this part of the website though. I will admit, there are some really nice looking guys on Okcupid and its like checking people out from the privacy of your own home. No awkward moments being caught checking someone out. ha ha. There were two guys I was super captivated by and probably would have married them on looks alone had they asked. Its shallow, but I guess its just speaking to the primal part of our genetic makeup.

There was one profile that I wanted to share. This guy is very good looking, but what made his profile stand out is his honesty. I wish I could find his profile to copy and paste, but I don't have it. Basically, in an nutshell it said (rather eloquently) that his lifestyle is not relationship friendly and all he wants is an adult relationship with someone who wants only sex, same as him. It sounds sleazy, but it was well said and incredibly honest. I almost messaged him to ask if he gets a lot of interest because I wanted to include that in my blog, but I didn't. Anyway, all that to say I applaud his honesty.

The other day I got a message that said, "the beauty u possesses uncompareable to any other woman if anything in this world could compare to ur heart and beauty there is not one thing that can match ur angelic beauty u are truly one of a kind"

Um....thank you? This is just creepy to send someone as a first message. Sometimes I wonder what these guys think right before they write this type of message. I mean, does it ever cross their mind that this sort of message is just...too much? Hmmm.

I am much less likely to mock these days because I am feeling the bitter taste of rejection over and over again and it has humbled me quite a bit. Not that I think every guy I "like" is going to like me back, but I do know when they "like me" then look at my profile and then don't write me. I can hear my best friend now telling me that their reasons for not messaging me have nothing to do with me, so don't worry about it. I totally agree with her, but still, that small, tiny, miniscule voice in my head relentlessly echoes that I did not catch their eye. Its silly. I have been in this online dating business for far too long without any success and I think that is the problem. Is that normal? I don't think so. Because I am talking years. I think I started this crazy online dating in 2009 or 2010. How can we already be in 2013 and I've only been on a handful of dates? I have talked to plenty of people. So what's the problem? I am sort of afraid for that answer because the common denominator in all of this is me. yikes.

Well, anyway. Life goes forward and I will live to love another day.

-PJ

Ah, welcome fellow daters. It has been awhile since my last post...I haven't been pursuing online dating in a little while. Not a break, per se, but I haven't been active either.

Has anyone out their tried "Lets Date!" - its an app that links to your facebook account. People make a short profile using facebook pictures and info. Then it is all about tagging a person "Let's Date" if the person captures your interest or "No Thanks" if they do not (and with that "no thanks" you can strike through the parts of the profile you don't like and this is supposed to help the app decide who to show you as a possible map - this part of the app is definitely broken, I will add). If you both say "Lets Date" then you can set up a date via their chat and suggest-a-date part of the app.

I really would love to see the stats on this app and know if people actually go out on dates. I mean, basically it is like going to an online bar, seeing a person from across the room, and liking what you see enough to send them a drink. I cannot imagine this works very well. I mean it works in physical bars because there is copious amounts of alcohol involved. Although, I supposed the veil of anonymity can act as "beer goggles" in a way. After all, you know what they say about the Internet and photoshop.

I cannot seriously recommend this app for anyone, I just thought it was something interesting to pass along to the masses.

Anyway......

Lesson #472:
Women may be guilty of planning for the future a little too soon, but that does not mean they want over-the-top messages that send out vibes for a future soul mate in your first letter. It is beyond creepy.

"Your smile has raptured my soul in higher places. I look forward to becoming your best friend on earth." .....Uh....thank you?

Ah, yes...well.... I mean I have a nice smile - compliments of good genes and braces....but its not a magical smile capable of taking you to higher places. And guys accuse girls about being too intense. *Rolls eyes* whew! Second, I already have a very best friend. Three of them in fact. That position in my life is filled. For Life. Sure, you may not know this, but perhaps its because you don't know me at all. When I think about this guy, I picture a poor lonely kid in the playground who attaches himself to anyone he can find just to have someone to call a friend. It screams of desperation. So, A for effort (at least he tried, right?), but EPIC FAIL for final results.

The only other person I have been talking to is slightly apathetic. Or that's how I view him anyway. His idea of conversation are one sentence messages through the website. He disappears for weeks at a time, always "traveling for work." And when I remain radio silent because I'm bored with this whole game we play, he pops up again, initiates something like a conversation, but returns to one sentence at an alarming pace. Usually short sentences too. I am waiting for messages with just a "yes." or "no." That shoe has gotta drop soon.

So why do I keep engaging? Well, since I go by the general rule of dating: "If a guy isn't pursuing you, even just in conversation...he is just not that into you." (Thank you Alex), I know he probably isn't into me. I am usually the rule, not the exception. So, I talk to him because sometimes its nice to talk to strangers. Or make a new friend. Although, at the rate we are going, our friendship will take until we are on our death beds to formulate. I like to think I am a pretty good people reader. I have my biases, its true, but I am usually not wrong. His profile reads like he is  a well-articulated, intelligent man. He makes jokes (although occasionally self-deprecating), and he has a Master Degree in really smart something or other. In fact, we did have a few conversations over I.M. that lasted for a few good hours. He can't spell for crap (my biggest pet peeve when on a computer!), but he was articulate. A little weird, like he is the nerd in class who does not quite know how to play it cool.... but it was a relatively good conversation. He indicated he wanted to work with living, breathing people in a career section of his profile. I mean, he has to have some social skills.

Anyway, I know its possible for him to converse....but instead, I know the guy who is simply simple in conversation. Not bad, but I am tired of being the chatty one. Besides, its in my nature to learn about people. That is not easy when someone does not talk! I get the feeling we will never actually meet in person. Pity, because he has amazingly green eyes...... and he does have a fantastic smile.

More often than not, I am most curious about what people write in their profiles (a close second is pictures, as you've occasionally seen). Every once in awhile I see a good profile, but a lot of times I see a bad one. This one is bad for a few reasons, please...read on... oh, anything in BOLD is being highlighted by me. Usually a particular gem of a sentence.

I think I have a pretty face. I don't think I am beautiful, but I think the word pretty is an accurate word to describe my face. My body is another story. Everyone says I need to learn to love my body before anyone else will love it. I am pretty sure people who say that have a.) never been fat or b.) are living in a fantasy world. America has taught me to hate my body, and whether it is right or wrong I do. Its not what I want to see when I take my clothes off. I'm pretty sure it is not what others want to see. Especially if they are one of those "beautiful people." I'm not alone in thinking this. It just is what it is.

I know you aren't reading this blog for my therapeutic nonsense though. You're reading because either I or the online world of dating fascinates you - or I told you to read. So let me tell you how I am combining all of this....

It is absolutely important that you are honest in your online profile. Nothing is worse than going on a out and realizing your date is not who they say they are. Especially your body. Because that is the first thing a person sees. You can thank corporate America for highlighting body image so much. So I was looking at my profile and wondering if I have been portraying someone I am not. Sure, my profile says I'm "full-figured" (although I am sure that's different to everyone) but the truth is no one reads anymore. They see your profile pictures and determine if they want to speak with you. Its more like Pictorial Dating than anything else. I decided I was not fully representing myself, so I put up some photos I have lying around from last year. None of this in the mirror bullshit. That's just lazy. Just an everyday shot of me, doing whatever it was I was doing. I may be trying to impress, but now so much that I impress you by thinking you're getting something you aren't. My pretty face pulls you in, and then when you discover I'm not skinny, athletic or toned, or whatever the word of the day is... well, I am the one who gets to feel bad once you reject me because I wasn't skinny enough for you. Talk about an excellent way to make a girl anorexic. sheesh.

But moving on, because the topic here was meant to be about Abstinence.

I say it on my profile: "you should message me if.....: If you enjoy being with a girl who is confident and independent, if you have a great sense of humor, and if you can respect that I am practicing abstinence until marriage and the thought of this doesn't scare you off."

So, I am waiting. And as I said above, people don't seem to read profiles. Why bother right? Well, mine contains this nugget of important information. That's right gentlemen, I am not giving it up to you, and no, I don't care how sexy your self-mirror, practically naked picture is.

Today I was talking with a potential candidate for a date. He seems very nice. I initiated the messaging online, if you are wondering. All that talking went well enough that I gave him my number. Its always a gamble in dating, online or not. I should have done my homework though. I should have clicked on the questions we don't have in common, searched by subject and found the sex questions. I didn't, however. And he didn't apparently read my profile. So in our text messaging this whole topic comes up (not in a dirty way). He tells me he loves sex and I jump off the train right there. Big red flag, flying in the wind. I reiterate my abstinence (they always ask if I am still a virgin by the way. why do they ask that every.single.time.? Is there some cultural trend I am unaware of or something?) and I actually have to draw out of him that he is not interested in dating me if sex is off the table. He seemed unwilling to tell me this - like he was trying to protect my feelings. How chivalrous.

I am not bummed about this because I read the answers to his sex questions and we have very different ideas about what sex should be. But we have this whole conversation about it and you know me. I am too curious about people and their inner thoughts for my own good, so I kept the conversation rolling. And he keeps saying "I think............ but that's just my opinion." This annoys me to no end because if you start off a sentence with "I think" then clearly it is your opinion. And by putting "but that's just my opinion" does not soften your words or make whatever you said less than what you actually said. That's a tip for anyone out there. Own your words. Oh, and since we are on a literary rant..... if you ask a question, don't write "I am just curious" before or after the question. If you are asking a question, it is clear you are curious.

I digress. This man tells me that I should "explore" myself before I let anyone else "know me." He told me a few other things too, but I'll just make a blanket statement. I love it when guys tell me what or how I should do something pertaining to sex because I am a virgin and have no experience. Trust me, he isn't the first guy to say something like this to me. And every time I hear it I get annoyed. Believe me guys, I know better than anyone how it feels to not be having sex. I sure as hell know better than you do. I don't need your advice or opinions on it.

I am beginning to think this whole waiting it out thing isn't worth the headache. Seriously. I mean at age 27 this is going to be a obstacle with any guy I date. Not that I cannot find a respectable, understanding guy out there, but....

okay, so this is the text I just got (this guy just asked me how far did I think I would go with a man....and let me be clear, it doesn't feel like a pervy conversation, otherwise I'd be out...anyway, so he asked me and I tell him, I don't know. "I don't know. honestly. I don't. I mean I am a 27 year old woman. I get the same feelings and urges as everyone else. I just don't know. and that isn't something you figure out through self-discovery and contemplation."

His response? "I understand it is very interesting I was there once too :-)"

Oh, I doubt it.

Okay, so the bottom line here:

a.) Always be truthful on your profile.
b.) Anyone out there talking to a person practicing abstinence, don't assume you know what it is like or tell a person how it should be, or be cavalier or sarcastic about someones decision to remain abstinent. Its not helpful. It certainly isn't funny. It DOES make a girl feel self-conscious though. And its kind of a douche-bag move.

I have some conversations going with quite a few people. They made lead no where, but who knows right? There will most definitely be some blogging material either way. So, on that note...

until next time,
PJ

I am feeling cynical. So, just remember that as you read this blog.



So I am back into the world of online dating and it’s going okay. I still get the most conversations out of okcupid.com. I did notice plentyoffish.com has this nice new feature where someone clicks on a button to tell you they want to meet you. I clicked some random good looking guy to see what happened. All it does is send an email to you stating so-and-so wants to meet you. Not exactly a lot of effort. Almost like you could click on fifty girls’ profiles and then sit back and wait to see which ones come to you. It’s lazy. Like the wink of match.com and eharmony.com. People who press these types of buttons don’t even get a looksy from me at their profile. You want to meet me? Show me a little effort. I am not a dime-a-dozen type girl.


I am also on match.com, but the most I get there is hello’s by men in their late 30s or men that are the stereotypical nerd that doesn’t have a prayer (yeah, I’m going to hell for that last statement). I am sickened this is the second time I have been on there, the second time I have paid for it, and still, nothing. I am not going to hurt my own-self esteem today, so we’ll just imagine the problem isn’t me. For the record, I have the exact same profile on each account. It could actually be an interesting social experiment if I cared to try it. But, let’s talk about others [it’s more fun]. I have been talking to threes guys pretty steadily for about three weeks. The first, we will call “Blue Eyes” because he has amazingly blue eyes; the second we’ll call “Looks-alike” because he reminds me of someone I know and the third we will call “Sunshine” because he is always sunny.


So, Blue Eyes is a good guy on paper. Smart, sense of humor, gives the vibe of interested, but not overly so. He has a good, stable job, makes decent money, and is on a no-sodium diet, so he even eats healthy. He is decent-looking; not the first guy I’d pick. He is one of those people you don’t initially see in the crowd, but a second glance around will tell you he has potential. He and I met up on Thursday night to build a bookshelf at my new office – it was a long running joke about Ikea that turned into a little date-like adventure. I thought things went okay. We laughed and talked. He talked more than me because a.) I seem to bring out the talker in every person and b.) I am not a sharer lately. Aware of this fact, I was conscious of making sure I shared enough to seem reciprocal and interested. But it turns out I am not ready for the guy who looks good on paper. My last boyfriend looked good on paper (and in real life) and he sort of did a number on me. I tried my best not to compare this guy with my ex and did great, until I remembered how much fun I had on my first date with my ex, and how completely average my time with this guy seemed. I realized all this post-bookshelf building (is that a date??). My first thought is I am not ready to date. Maybe I am not, but I could stay not ready to date for a long time if I wanted and I really do want to move on. I text him the next day (normally he texts me every morning – this is my fist sign things did not meet either of our expectations) and his response was a “hi” and then he ignored my second text. After my ex, I learned I really, really hate being ignored, so I crossed him off the list. Clearly I was not feeling it with him anyway. One should be excited to be a possible match; I was not.


Looks-alike is my second guy; interestingly enough not my first or second choice to date. I think he is just the second guy I want to weed out it appears. He seems nice. He looks a lot like this other guy that I would really like to date, but cannot (long story). You’d think that would say something to me right there. A big red flag, glaring out into the world. It does not (at least not in the beginning). His pictures make him seem goofy, and I like goofy. Honestly I could use some goofy. However, the more I text him the more I realize that he either is not smart or is not paying attention. Neither of these work for me. What works even less is that after he called me TWICE and I missed both calls. He text me after the second miss and said he’d stop calling because I did not seem “into it.” Both times I gave him a reason for the missed call; perfectly acceptable reasons I might add. Not perfectly true, but he doesn’t know that. I realized I am not excited to talk to him. I really should be. I thought that maybe my heart had not been in it (I really do feel guilty about talking to more than one guy at a time – I don’t know why, no one else seems to). So, I promised myself to try harder with him because I was not being fair writing him off so soon. I told him it was not that I wasn’t interested in getting to know him, but I am busy and not really a telephone person. This is perfectly true. He accepted this, we talk more. He asks me the same questions about my career that he already has asked me. I find this super annoying because I shouldn’t have to repeat myself to someone who claims to be really interested. We shoot the breeze a bit more. I ask more questions to him, give better answers on my end…. I realize I am STILL not interested. So, I think today I am letting that one go. I will say something to him because I know how frustrating it is to be left in the dark.


Sunshine is my third texting guy (but by no means my final). He my age and seems like a gentlemen. He asked if he could call me, which I feel like is old-school on the internet. It was sweet. He seems really happy. Like genuinely happy and enjoying life. I know the internet is a smoke screen, but you just can’t help but believing his cheerfulness. It has a childlike quality to it that I like (and also reminds me of the guy I’d like to date….but I’ve thought about this and think this is just a quality I am drawn to). We have not talked much, but I am far more willing to try with him than I was with the other two. So, we’ll see where that goes.



The Mocking Block.


Just two today….but two that I think are pretty priceless. One is a guy’s photo:



Because nothing says, “Come date me” more than a guy smiling with a hand gun aimed at the camera.



The second one left me this message this morning.

“How’s it going? Hope you’re having a great weekend. I really enjoyed reading your profile. Great to know that you’re a strong believer of Christ. How long have you been a Christian? What does your faith mean to you? Where do you hope to be in five years? Pray you have a great Sunday. Be safe out there. The roads are really icy. Prayers of protection be upon you!!!”

. Let’s be fair. He does sound nice. Nice and Christian. Nice and Christian and Churchy. How long have I been a Christian? What does my faith me to me? Where will I be in the next five years? Did I miss something? Am I applying to be a Christian wife or…..??? The guy actually looks like a slick player in his photo. No joke. If I were to see him in a crowd I’d think: player. Which is why I never judge a person by their picture (okay, honesty again, I try not to anymore). It is nice that the guy is praying for me….but the guy is praying for me. On a dating website the guy’s first email is that he is praying for me and playing 20 questions about one subject typically avoided for the first few conversations (well, except for the 5 year goal one…which is reminiscent of a job interview). I am no expert at dating, but I am pretty sure this has disaster written all over it. I just had flash backs of my date with Tim who told me college was the Antichrist and that I am too smart for my own good - the guy who practically screamed his belief about women belonging in the kitchen, barefoot and preggers. I’ll pass. I’ll pass nicely though, because he did say he’d pray for me.


Ah, the dating game. What a whirlwind of romancelessness.


-PJ