Looking back at all my posts, it's been a wild ride. I have been doing this online dating thing since 2009. I was 24 years old. Well, now its 2014 and I will be 29 in 2.5 months. I have been through countless profiles, had hundreds of messages, a handful of crazy dates and one person I would have been with, but that didn't work out. My last date was not good. And in a way that is difficult to put into words, I just can't do it anymore. I am not giving up on dating, but I am letting go of online dating. Its too much - the expectation of what you create in your mind and then what you see in real life. And I am not talking about my expectations, I am talking about theirs. I think people see what they want to see in a photo. And real life is so much different. Suffice to say my self-esteem is not at an all time high. I dont even think it is in a medium range. How can anyone else find me attractive or interesting if I don't? I want to find acceptance and love so much (and for so long) that I have started taking in whatever comes my way, no matter what it is.

So it's time to end it. Like I said, I am not going to stop dating. I still want love and one day a family. But I think my OLD experiment should have ended a long time ago. So I am ending it now. I do not think I will return, though I will not say never.

Thanks for reading and coming on this journey with me :-)

-PJ

I met this guy online awhile back. For the sake of anonymity we'll call him Jake. Jake was a good guy. He knew how to have a conversation, he never pushed the issue of sex, he was always respectful of my beliefs.Its a shame it didn't work out. We all have our list of traits we absolutely must have or must not have. I met some of the "must not have" traits and this ended our brief relationship.

After Jake I took some time away from dating. About a week or so ago I popped back on OKcupid. I am not expecting much...more than three years experience has taught me to keep my expectations low. Although, after my experience with Jake, I do know that their are decent guys in the world, capable of real conversations. So the bar was inevitably raised, but its still not exactly high.

So I am talking with this guy....we graduated from okcupid messages to trading phone numbers and texting. And things are going well with the messaging (hence why I gave this stranger my phone number). And not even five minutes in to texting he says, "I wish I had someone to cuddle with right now." *rolls eyes.* A few minutes later, "man I wish you could come over and cuddle with me." Stop. Break. Roll back.

Cuddles isn't the only guy to have said this to me while texting. I remember quite a few men who, at some point in our first texting conversation (or first evening conversation anyway), as said they wish they had someone to cuddle with and man do they wish it were me. Every guy. No joke. So guys tell me....why?

I suppose many girls want this whole cuddling thing. And maybe this line is supposed to subtly says, "I am a cuddler," which appeals to the ladies. I am not opposed to cuddling either. However, I find it suspect that every guy wishes he were cuddling with me without having met me or even talked on the phone with me. Its a cheesy line to deliever within the first few texting conversations. It makes me roll my eyes. If it were one or two guys that had said it in the course of my online dating time, then I'd say, okay, they might be legit. However, its not just a couple guys. It's the majority of guys I have ever talked to.

So Culddles here wants to cuddle (though I am fairly sure cuddling isnt exactly what he has in mind). I am not exactly won over here. What is really causing my lack of enthusiasm is the whole conversation thing. In particular, the lack of conversation.

Cuddles: Just so you know, I am an open book. I will answer any question honestly.
Me: That's good. I'm the same.
Cuddles: So go ahead, ask me a question.

Ummmm.... first off, this isn't an interview, its a conversation. We just started talking, what do you want me to ask? How many lovers have you had? What kind of drugs do you use? I mean, come on....these conversations are supposed to be fun, light hearted, flirty. What kinds of questions do you want me to ask? And why can't we just have normal conversation where questions come naturally? On a whole other level, shouldn't I already assume you are telling the truth? And even if I don't trust you, saying that will not make me believe you any more. Again, if this were unique to this guy and this conversation, then great, fine, no problem. But this conversation, in pretty much the exact same words, happens with every guy I talk to. Again, I ask why?

I don't know why it annoys me. It's certainly not enough to turn me away from a guy. It just seems like some kind of universal guy code or something that is beyond my comprehension. I wish I knew some guys who do online dating that I could actually ask,.

On another note, Cuddles is just as bad at making conversation as all the other guys (besides Jake). They want to talk about themselves, don't ask many questions and if I don't keep the conversation going, then the conversation stops. Drives me crazy. It always had because its always been this way....until Jake anyhow.

Ah, well, the things we do to find love right?

PJ