Greetings. It's been awhile. A lot has happened to me in the past 6 months. I actively stepped away from all dating for awhile to do some work on myself. I think I've somewhat achieved that and so I returned to online dating.

I changed my profile name to something more upbeat and representative of my personality. I updated my pictures. I even went as far as having a professional help me write my page to increase my responses (match.com). So far this has not worked, but what they said was elegant and captured the best of me, so I am okay with it.

But today I want to talk about my latest contact, a man I appropriately named: "The Creeper."

Well, he seemed normal enough. I mean, I wasn't thrilled about a few things in his profile, but in the grand scheme of things they weren't deal breakers and I am trying to be more open minded. I did not know how open minded I would have to be, however. So his first email is nice enough:

"WOW you are beautiful! & you seem like a down to earth nice girl!...
I'd love to talk ". He gave me his name and number, so I thought, why not? So I gave him my info and he texts me. He asks for a picture. This is not so unusual, I think, so I give him one. But then he asks for another. And he sends me his. I loved it - it was the classic "Half naked in front of the gym mirror taking a picture with my cellphone" look that is so cliche it's ridiculous. He isn't hot, but he is nice enough. But then he tells me how beautiful and hot and yummy I am. No, I am not making it up, he described me as yummy. Like I am some type of delicious pastry to be devoured.

I think I am pretty. Hell, my co-worker said I looked sexy the other day. But this guy saw a few pictures of me and is throwing around Aphrodite-like adjectives like its a Sunday football game. I don't take complements well, even I'll acknowledge it, but seriously, there is a line between genuine and telling someone something your *think* they want to hear. My spidey senses started tingling here. But I persevered on because, well, why not?

But then came the personal questions. Like my bra cup size and if I shave in my nether regions. I was shocked. I hadn't even been talking to the guy 24 hours and he is asking me such personal questions. Uh, hello boundaries? The creepiness factor went through the roof and I knew in that moment I would never, ever meet this man in person.

I did, however, answer his questions (not truthfully). I admit. I was curious where the conversation would go. How far would he take it? What's sad is that every question he asked was sex related. Nothing about my personality (but then he tells me how cool I am. Maybe I'm just the first girl who answered his pervey questions and this makes me downright awesome in his book). When the conversation took a turn that sounded suspiciously like sexting, I bowed out. I mean, I've read enough romance novels in my life and have a large enough vocabulary that I can be creative, explicit, and probably down-right dirty. But...well... it's just creepy to talk like that to someone you've never met.

I'm not sure I get this guy, who claims I am, "yummy n hot" and that he is "not after [me] for sex. [I'm] a hottie and seem nice." Again with the reference to my personality that he knows nothing about. And I have such a hard time believing its not about sex when ever single question he asked is sex related. But my favorite part was that he had this great assumption I'd meet up with him this weekend for sex. I told him I wasn't so easy. He also asked for a picture of my v-jay-jay and told me my reward would be a picture of his cock. Man, he really knows how to romance a lady. Lets just get straight to business, who cares about the niceties - like knowing my last name. Yikes! Needless to say I declined the offer. I had to decline it again when he tried to compromise for just a picture of my breast. Because that is so much better. Apparently I entered into the twilight zone of "Match.com Gone Wild."

So The Creeper is being tossed out with the garbage. It was an entertaining day of texting, but by the end of it I just couldn't believe anyone would try to be so personal from day one. (And really, do you really want to date a girl that will just air all her information and take slutty pictures for you? I mean, hello, have some freakin standards!).

And in any case I just got a text message from him, "Well good luck u didnt call n u r online so ur deleted by" I'll save the comments about everything wrong with that sentence from a general point of view. I won't even discuss the punctuation, grammar and spelling and just leave the man with his pride. Or something.

Oh online dating. I did not miss you. But I guess I am back.

-PJ