"If it happens, it happens." I hate this phrase.
First of all its so passive. I mean, if it happens, it happens? That's like shrugging your shoulders and saying whatever, whenever. I don't know anyone who got anywhere in life by shrugging their shoulders and letting life pass them by. I sorta get it, I used to be a passive person, but my life didn't go anywhere until I got active about it.
Second of all...saying "if it happens, it happens" to a girl isn't exactly confidence inspiring. In fact, it's kind of like telling her if you see her you see her, but if you don't, well, it's no big deal. Wow, I bet that makes her feel real special.
Ok. So lets say you are chatting it up with a guy from a dating website. You've had a few messages and things seem to go well. So you are thinking, maybe it's time to meet in real life. He hints around at getting together too and so you suggest sometime next week and he says, "If it happens, it happens."
There are two ways to look at this.
1. He is just playing it cool. This is the way most girls want to look at it. He might think you are playing it cool because you suggested next week instead if this week so he'll play it cool in return. (Let me stop you right here. this actually implies guys think far more about these situations than they really do. So, this senario seems pretty unlikely. Maybe not entirely impossible, but about 98.9% so). Ok, so perhaps he is nervous and/or doesn't want to risk getting hurt or blown off so he is just acting like meeting you isn't a big deal. In all reality, it is a big deal for him because he is really psyched about meeting you.
-or-
2. HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Sure he said he'd meet you. Maybe he doesn't have anything better at the moment, so why not see what you are about? But if it doesn't happen, it really isn't a big deal because you aren't someone he is so into that he has to meet you asap (because lets face it, if a guy wants to see you, he isn't going to be passive about making that date!)
I will say I think #1 does happen. Maybe for some really shy guys or guys who have been burned by love a lot and convince themselves that no girl is worth that kind of effort until they've proven themselves worth it. I have never met the former, but I've come across a few of the latter. In either case though, these men are the exception.
#2 is the rule. Sorry girls. It pains me to say this because in my OLD experience has paired me with many guys who were not really into meeting me. Cole dragged his feet for nearly three months before things ended. James said, if we want it to happen it will (but hasn't made any effort after saying that, which tells me something right there!) Then there is Punctuation Paul, who, when I suggested we meet up sometime next week, simply replied with the exact phrase "if it happens, it happens" (that message is what sparked this blog, btw).
So guys. All the time we hear what women can do to snag a guy, but here is a little something for you to feast upon....be active. If you want to meet, get together sooner than later and make sure the girl knows you want to make a date. If you really aren't feeling into it, don't say, "if it happens, it happens." In fact don't waste your time (or ours!). No girl wants to be some guys B list or be the "Friday night girl when I don't have any other plans." It's not respectful. If you don't think I'll be your A-list gal or you don't want to set aside actual time for me, then lets not bother - cause frankly I don't want to spend time with someone who just isn't into me, but doesn't have any better options at the moment. I'm not a B-list kind of girl.
-PJ
Well first of all I got the three books I ordered. I read the Tough Love one in an hour - it wasn't very big or tough to get through. Just a lot of advice about what a woman can do to make sure she snags a guy (pretty good advice, I thought). It occurred to me that all of these dating books are telling a woman how she can change her behaviors to attract men, but there is nothing out there telling guys how they can change their behavior to attract women. I wonder why that is.
I got an email from a guy this weekend. Thinking about it, I am not even sure what his real name is, though we've exchanged several messages since first contact. Hmmm. Well, for the purpose of this blog, we'll call him Punctuation Paul. :-)
Well, Paul seems nice enough. He is a 21 year old, which is normally not an age I'd go for. I mean, three years isn't a lot in general, but it sort of is when you are just 21. He also hasn't been to college, which is something I always thought I'd want my guy to have done...but remember, I'm lowering expectations and idealizations about guys (in some areas, definitely not in others). There are two other things...one is that he has no license (due to a public intoxication ticket), which I'm not loving (obviously because he can't transport himself places and also because of the drinking - though he swears he wasn't drunk). I could probably look past both things if he is a truly awesome guy.
No, my biggest thing is the subject of this blog. Punctuation. I am sure you are all going huh? So let me elaborate.
His emails are like this no punctuation at all just one big run on sentence that lasts the entire email every answer to my questions and questions of his own have nothing no periods commas lots of ands and no capital letters its so hard for me to write like this right now i cant imagine doing it all the time yet every email he has written has been this way it is crazy hard to read also
Whew!
Occasionally he does use a period, so I know he knows where they are on the keyboard. I am truly baffled as to why he doesn't use them all the time. What is with the run-on sentences?
Most girls want a well educated men. Sorry guys, but it's true. They want an articulate man as well. Punctuation Paul's email have neither of these qualities. Now, it's not exactly enough for me to say adios....but it is sort of annoying.
In any case - men, do yourself a favor... if you are going to write an email it would be worthwhile to use correct punctuation. I mean, otherwise a woman might view it as the guy being so lazy he can't put in a period, comma or capitalize properly? And if he is that lazy now (when you've just met), it's possible he is always that lazy, even when you are dating. Definitely not a guy any girl would want to date. So, like I said, its worth taking some time and effort to make sure the message is readable.
Paul's emails are interesting for other reasons. He says I am beautiful and cool. Well, unfortunaltey online, you cant really judge beauty because you are looking at pictures...and pictures can be altered or not even current. Lighting can make a big difference too. I guess my point is pictures are a poor way to really know what a person really looks like. So to me, any compliments of beauty from an email aren't really worth the keyboard they are written with. I think a lot of girls feel this way. Paul also thinks I'm really cool. Which is a great compliment except that he doesn't really know me. Of course I seem cool - I wrote my profile to make it appear that I am. And I think I am cool. My friends think I am cool (geeky, but cool)...but how can he comment on my coolness. All he knows is what I've written him (which hasnt been much, as with most guys, he appears to have issues asking questions) and what what is written in my profile. Not that I don't appreciate a compliment (and in his mind it may very well be sincere)...but again, I gotta take it with a grain of salt cause he really doesn't know me, like at all.
Well, Paul wants to have a celebratory drink. I got into grad school, he got a new job...what a perfect excuse for a date. So I said alright. I'm not a big drinker, but I have to succumb to the fact that getting to know each other over drinks is a popular way to do it. We haven't set a specific time. More like a abstract, in the future, sort of thing (this is usually about the time they cease to talk to me, so Im skeptical that it'll happen). Oh, and get this, he was talking about how he was inspired by the Golden Gate bridge in San Fransisco...and I told him I'd never been. His response, if I played my cards right, he'd take me there. I laughed at this. If I played my cards right. Is this some weird version of poker that I've never heard of? :-) I'm just kidding...sort of. But seriously. If I play my cards right? No, it still makes me laugh. :-)
How about if he plays his cards right he just may get a date from me ;-)
-PJ
Online dating has grown. It used to have a horrible stigma attached (actually, I don't think that's completely gone, but it's less), but as time as gone on, it's lessened. So, as you can imagine, with more and more people dating in the online world, it'0s only a matter of time before you "run" into someone you know.
Last night this happened to me. There is this guy I used to work with, we'll call him Harry. Last night Harry emailed me because he found me on POF. Small world. So, just out of curiosity I look at his profile. And it became so clear to me how a profile tells you so little about a person.............
So everyone considers the one bonus of online dating that you can read profiles and gauge how well a person might fit for you. I mean, think about it - a profile can tell you if a person is into kids or smokes. It can even go into religion, politics and finances (to a degree)...those are the major things you don't talk about in the beginning...things you can't look across the room and know about a person IRL, but can ascertain from a profile.
But this is only an asset if the person is honest. Personally, in my profile I am very honest. Maybe it turns some guys away, but the fact is, is that you know what you are getting when you read my profile. I think this is important, because the last thing I want is for us to get together and then you find out something about me that's a deal breaker for you and I don't make the cut. It's a waste of every body's time. So I believe in honesty.
To illustrate my point of why it's important, I'm going to bring in Harry's profile - because I knew Harry for 2 years and we've had so many conversations about dating/relationships and (so much more), I know him pretty well. A lot of what he says is true (kudos there) but some stuff...not so much. So my comments will be italics.
"1. I spend a lot of time going out to dinner with friends and trying new food. I also love to travel and go to the mountains, horse back riding and playing sports
2. I want to reach a point in my career where I am financially successful enough to travel and take care of those I love (this line makes him sound fantastic - what he doesn't let you know is that he likes girls to take care of him and buy him nice things. In fact, once he wanted his current girlfriend to buy him a $300 phone. When I asked what he would do if she didn't buy him it...he said he'd break up with her. yikes! Materialism isn't a selling quality, but if it's who you are, in my opinion, it's worth finding a way to mention).
3. I am very outgoing and honest. You will always know what I'm thinking and where I stand on issues (this is true. Harry is one of the most honest people I know; Now his honesty carries no tact or finesse, but he does say whats on his mind). . I have a good heart and care about other's comfort levels when around me. I am polite and have class. (Polite and Class are not the two words I'd use to describe Harry. In fact, I don't think they belong in the vocab of Harry because they can't be used to describe him in any way. Abrasive and misogynistic would be more descriptive.)
4. I enjoy all types of music such as country, r&b and hip hop.
5.I hope to hear from different people and eventually hope to find that one person who I have that "click" with. I need to feel chemistry with someone. I want that person to connect with me on a physical and intellectual level.
Ok, so most of what he says is true. But there are a few key points here that really matter: Harry is materialistic. He expects his woman to take care of him and buy him nice things. As I said above, I know that materialism isn't a good selling point - and no one is going to reach out to a guy who says it out loud...but it's going to be a rude wake-up call for a woman who starts to date him and then realizes this expectation is there and if she doesn't comply she may very well lose him.
The bigger thing to address is the "polite" and "class". I actually laughed out loud when I read this the first time because Harry is anything but polite. Especially in his thoughts about women. Although I can imagine Harry really thinking he is a polite, nice, guy with a lot of class...I really don't think a lot of other people would describe him that way.
So Harry is a prime example of a person not being what they seem online. If I read his profile without knowing him, I'd probably send him a message. He seems great on paper, as the old saying goes. But knowing him, I know that he isn't as wonderful as he seems. He is definitely not someone I'd bring home to my family to meet. Or my friends. But in his profile, he seems pretty great.
The simple fact is, is that people have a tendency to think the best of themselves and as a result, write who they perceive themselves to be. They put things they think are true, even if the reality is quite different...so how do we battle this in our own profiles? How does one make sure that what they write really shows who they are?
Have someone else help you write your profile. Make it a trusted friend who isn't afraid to tell you the truth (this way when you write something like, polite and class, they can be like...yeah, not so much. even more, they might be able to show you good qualities about yourself that you never knew you had). I had my brother help me. I wrote my profile and then had him look it over. He said he thought it sounded exactly like me with one caveat. I sounded a lot younger than I am. I would have never thought this, but reading it over again with a more objective eye, I could see what he is talking about. Aside from that though, I managed to give a guy a pretty good idea of who I am. Now, I will say that of course there are things about me that probably won't come out until later. A profile is meant to give you an idea of a person, not their whole character profile... but with the basics, I stuck to the truth...and that's important.
Bottom line? Stay honest. Saying something about yourself that isn't true (whether it be you're taller/shorter/fatter/thinner/etc or smart/average/polite/honest/etc....) won't help your cause. The person who meets you will eventually see the real you (especially when we are talking the physical sense) and once they figure out you aren't what you seemed online, it'll ruin your chances. So why lie? Why waste time? Just so you can appeal to someone on paper? It's the real date in the real world that is important - in the end, how you look on paper won't matter - it'll be how you are in real life that counts. Besides, don't you want them to know the real you and not some false image you created to land a date?
But that's just my honest opinion :-)
-PJ
So I am going to talk about two things today :-)
First is this awesome show that Cole mentioned once. Tough Love. I caught an episode from season while I was dog sitting and was sort of not sure of it. Steve, the host, put each of the eight girls up to a jury of guys, explained their worst relationship issue and they had the guys judge them dateable or undateable. I guess I found the idea of telling a girl she is undatable sort of...well, not good. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate tough love as much as the next person (probably more so actually), but in a society where girls are up against so much mentally (and physically), it seemed extra harsh - especially the way they did it.
So I was all ready the write it off...but then I took a look at the first season...like the whole first season. Actually I just finished watching the last episode of season 1...and I'm ready for season 2. What changed my mind?
I saw how much some of the girls changed. Steve's rules, when applied seemed to work pretty well. Its not an exact science and the rules aren't always going to apply to every person/situation...but when generally applied, they seemed to work. Plus, it was just funny. I reminded of why I hate girls and drama (wow, there was a lot of crying!!!), but I concede that 8 weeks locked in a house with 7 other girls and almost no outside interaction - I'd probably be some crying dramatic fool too. ;-) And, for a girl who has never dated, I got to see a bunch of normal girls go out on dates - not some movie fantasy - but real awkward dates. Definitely helpful!
Anyway, so I like the show. I like Steve's idea of tough love. I am looking forward to watching season 2.
Second....after watching TL I went online to amazon.com because Steve and his mom wrote a book on the subject. And of course one book led to another (in the search, I mean) and I found tons and tons and tons of books about dating. "Why You Aren't Finding Mr. Right" or "What It Takes to Find Mr. Right." hmmmm.
Cole once pointed out (and so did a guy in one of the reviews, I might add) that if it were so easy and one book could make it happen, then that author would be crazy rich and there would be no single people.
Love isn't a formula. It can't be found in a book, or several. So I was thinking - should I read one? I mean, I'm not going to put my whole life up in this book, believing that if I just read all 350 pages it will bring me divine inspiration and I'll find love as soon as I turn the last page. I mean, that's not reality! But I thought, well, I'm a psych major so at the very least it could be insight into perspective (as in other people's) and maybe give me things to think about that I hadn't before. After all, when I was watching TL I would often form an opinion about the girl's situation only to have Steve put it completely differently. It didn't always change my mind, but it made me think - and thinking is a very good thing (not to be confused with over thinking, btw, which is very, very bad).
So the answer is yes. I bought a book. Two actually. One was a book called Decoding Love. I bought it because they discussed psych, neuroscience and picked apart theories...even if I never found love, it would be an interesting book to read (yes, that's the nerdy academic in me)! the other one I bought was "If I Am So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single." In reviews most people seemed to love this book, which was a good point. Ironically, most didn't like the title, but that's whats led me to choosing it. I mean, its something I have thought so many, many times. Every time a person tells me how wonderful I am, actually. :-P And no, I don't expect the book to change my life or bring me love instantaniously (or at all for that matter, it's a book, not a magic spell!)....but like I said, its a different perspective and who ever went wrong from having an open mind and trying something new?
In other thoughts...for awhile I had taken a break from seeking out people online. Not a long break or whatever...but between talking with Cole, James and Chef Boy'RD (poor guy didn't even get a real name yet) I just thought that three was enough guys to be getting along with for the present moment. Well, Cole read my blog about him and decided to say adios (for good this time), James...I don't know what the hell is up in that situation and Chef Boy'RD and I have slowly fizzled out. So I am stepping back into the ring, if you will - searching and seeking profiles and people. After watching TL I think that I'll do ok. After all, if those girls can fix themselves for a real shot then I probably can too. It's all about staying positive!
So, look forward to more stories soon (hopefully anyway). :-)
-PJ
Dating has its own sense of Darwinism. Only the strong survive (and get married).
It sounds somewhat dramatic to say, but its kind of true. I keep thinking about dating - what a long process it is. How some people become so jaded from it that they are incapable of having positive, successful relationships. How some are permanent bachelors, some join nunneries. These people are what Darwin calls the weak links - those who don't survive the evolutionary process of being a single being into a married one.
I keep trying to decipher whether or not I'll be killed off. Whether or not I'll survive. I haven't even been dating that long, but am already starting to feel the frustrating effects of it. I keeping thinking - can I do this another two years? Another five? But I suppose I am in it for the long haul. History has taught me that I can be alone and survive, but I don't want to simply survive. I want to thrive and I think that I need someone special by my side to do so.
Anyway.
My topic today is good communication. I'm not a scholar on the subject, but I've got some thoughts. And maybe, someone, somewhere will benefit.
When I first started OLD the only person I talked to was Cole (who is in fact Brocko Strongo and doesn't like the name Cole, but I'm going to stick with it because I happen to like that name). Cole was pretty good at communication, as I think I've said. With the exception of ghosting a couple of times, he really did know how to communicate. Like I said before, we wrote emails (long ones). He knew the proper way to have a conversation...reciprocation. In a way, he sort of set the bar for what I thought guys should be like (in that department)...which looking back I find sort of silly because I know full and well how guys are wired in the communication department. He was simply the exception, not the rule.
So when chef boy'rd and just kickin' it came along, communication was not go stellar. It was painful actually. It was like pulling teeth without the option of Novocaine. At first I thought, maybe they just aren't that interested. I mean, in general (as said by my many guy friends) if a guy likes you, he wants to get to know you. And by that I mean he wants to learn stuff about you. Chef boy'rd and Just Kickin' It would answer any question I asked them, but then never ask me anything back. At least Cole seemed to genuinely want to get to know me. Then I thought, maybe it isn't that they don't want to get to know me, maybe its that they just don't articulate things well. I still don't know the answer because I've never met either of them. Just Kickin It, as you know, blew me off and Chef boy'rd just stopped txting me.
And of course there is James. James and I started talking a couple weeks ago. He showed the same signs of an inability to reciprocate in a conversation. I'd ask him a question, he'd respond with an answer and then...nothing. He wouldn't ask me anything, so I'd have nothing much to say in return. The worst part about James is this - after a few emails and him saying we'd definitely see each other at church...he sort of just stopped communicating with me at all. We are now "friends" on facebook, so that gives two easy avenues of places to chat - but nothing. I facebook messaged him about his holiday, but he never wrote back (and the evils of facebook let me know that he was in fact on FB several times - stupid news feed).
So I ask my brother. He's a guy, he'll know.
And he says.... that's what guys do. It's easier for a guy to just stop talking to you than face that conversation of, 'its not going to work out.' Apparently girls tend to ask too many questions or argue the point or whatever. Guys would rather avoid that and just let the conversation float away into nonexistence.
After having it happen a few times I can say I don't doubt the truth in this. Now, I wont say its true for all guys - not every guy can fit a cookie cutter mold...but its hard to sort out those who do from those who don't. Especially when the majority do fit this mold of bad conversationalists and just walk away, never to be heard from again.
Every dating forum I have been on has experienced OLD who say things like, "ladies, don't be surprised if a guy disappears one day and doesn't come back. its sad, but it happens all the time. because guys are rarely ever talking to just you, they are also talking to girls a, b, and c....and you, girl d, didn't match up to girl b, so he is going to stop talking to you to pursue things with girl b...and that's just life." See - dating is darwinistic (only maybe its not only the strong survive. Maybe it's 'only the desireable' survive, or whatever).
Ok, so this is true for 80% males and the poor 20% of the good ones get the fallout from it...cause girls are always expecting their guys to just jet. It sucks, but it's true. Men have to deal with stigmas about being bad at communication and other various sins, but women have their own stigmas too, nobody actually escapes from it...I will say that how a guy communicates doesn't inherently make a guy good or bad. My brother told me he used to just never call a girl again when it wasn't working and I believe that he is a genuinely good guy.
So what can women and men do about the communication issue to ensure good times are had by all (and my disclaimer here: I'm speaking in direct relation to OLD - dating IRL is different and probably holds different guidelines, those I just wouldn't know about)...
Well, first I'd advise reciprocal communication. Meaning when a girl asks you a question, ask back. Or ask something else. But ask. This will keep the conversation flowing. (I seriously cant believe this is something I have to write - I thought everyone knew the basics of this. How does one survive in society otherwise?)
Ok, second...if you're talking to a girl (or guy, because my brother says that girls are guilty of this too, just not as often) and for whatever reason you decide she isn't the one...don't (I'll repeat) DON'T just stop talking to her. Grow a pair, be a man, and tell her you just don't think its going to work out. I'll even write out the sentence so you can copy and paste: "Its been great getting to know you, but I don't think its going to work out. Good luck in the future." Some girls will freak out on you. I apologize for them. Drama seems to be genetically linked to the X chromosome (see, stigma!). Other girls will wonder what's up, but wont say anything (for fear of looking like the drama girl). Either way, its still common courtesy. And if they do end up asking you why or trying to argue the point, you have two options. Option A - tell them why. Option B - ignore them. At this point I think it's ok, because you've done your due diligence in telling them there isn't a chance, so they can, at least, stop waiting.
As for the rest of it? I vote for honesty. I prefer truth to lies. I'm a blunt person, so this is just my way...but I generally think that most people prefer this truth thing too. Its not always easy to hear (or say), but I think its key to good communication. Of course, how you present the truth matters too - but tact and finesse is something you'll have to learn on your own :-)
-PJ