I was just on a message board for OLD (online dating) and someone akin the stress of it to that of meeting people IRL (in real life) at a bar. I have never gone to the bar in hopes of making Happy Hour productive, but I can imagine as much.

What is most hard about online dating, I think, is the fact that even if you and a guy (or girl) message and start talking...you can pretty much bet (scratch that, SHOULD bet) that he/she is not just talking to you, but talking to other possible prospects as well. So, its like the guy at the bar who has his eye on you and the three other single ladies saddling up the the bar for a drink too. You are all in the running, silently competing with each other. He'll text you all, take you all on a date (or two, or three) and then narrow it down to one (well, i hope its just one anyway). You have a 1/4 chance that he'll choose you (assuming his fishing expedition only brought him four prospects).

I find this hard. I guess because I already have low self confidence when it comes to dating. The idea of competing with other girls...its not a happy thing. For the longest time I used to think that I just wasn't special enough to date - nothing unique about me. Nothing to make some guy look at me and say, "that's her, out of all the girls, she's the one." Sometimes, I still carry around that unhelpful and damaging chatter in my head. Times like this it screams to me. And I've never been much of a competitor. It's just not my style.

But I was on one of the dating websites today and say a post from a guy I had been having brief conversations with (online). The post was something or other about how he had been texting a couple of girls (none of which were me, which doesn't exactly boost my confidence). It occurred to me in a way that was like an "ah-ha" moment that with any and all the guys I have been talking to that they have other girls they are probably talking to also. Maybe I just keep not making the cut. I don't mean that in a woe-as-me way...just as a possible fact. I'll point out here that I was no-where near the delusion of thinking that I was the only girl these guys were interested in/talking to. Merely just that I hadn't really thought of it before.

I know you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. I don't know how real-life people date (having never really done it). Maybe they see a person, date them, figure out if it is/isn't going to work and then rinse and repeat (this, btw, sounds like a tiring process) or maybe they get a lot of prospects and weed them out just like those online do. In any case, I am beginning to find the whole dating process as exhausting. I haven't even really gotten knee deep yet, but I'm tired of it. I will keep going however, because love is a journey I'm willing to go all the way for...but I'm just tired already.

Because I am weary in my journey...already sick of the blow offs, ghost-guys and the competition, I feel like I cant even end with a positive thought/outlook. So I am leaving it up to a fellow online-dater, who gave me this advice:

"If someone's right for you, then other women will be meaningless. It's just the process we go through to find someone who is right for us so don't get too caught up in it. Personally, I don't think you should get "psyched up" for a meet beyond thinking it'll be an enjoyable hour or so with someone who is hopefully interesting enough to talk to for an hour."

-PJ

This blog is a little hard to write. Mainly because the guy I'm about to write about I happen to think we had a lot in common and I could have seen us with some sort of something....but write on I must.

So when I was brand new to the online dating scene I emailed this guy, Cole. He was cute and had a great profile. He seemed super nice and as it turns out, we had a lot in common. Not only that but he was good at conversation (something I am noticing many guys are not good at). We started emailing and it was a great experience. Most guys I message with aren't really good with expressing themselves with writing, but he was. So we would write these long emails, getting to know each other.

I didn't know the "rule" at the time. The rule, btw, is that if a guy is interested, he'll want to make plans with you. Most dating websites say four emails, a few texts and a phone call later and you should be meeting. After this experience, I actually agree with this...

but then I didn't know this. I didn't know anything in the online dating world and since he was the first guy I had really talked to, I thought maybe it was normal. So we email...and a few emails become a ton of long emails and suddenly a week becomes a month. And then he "ghosts." Or as I like to call it, drops off the face of the planet.

I was sad that he suddenly disappeared. After all, we had a lot in common and we talked so easily. So I held on....for four weeks. My first email said "I hope your ok." My second email said, "everything alright, its been awhile?" My third (and final) email said, "I hope everything is ok, but listen, if you don't want to talk, at least tell me, blowing me off is not appreciated." This time he did email me back and he apologized, said his absence had been because of an exciting dream come true, but now things were winding down and he hoped his life would get back to normal. A week later we resumed these great emails.

About another month goes by and these two other guys have come into my life (including the famous "just kickin it"). Both asked for my phone number relatively quickly and so I begin to think that maybe the way Cole and I have been doing things isn't the norm (we don't even have each others numbers!). So I research all this online dating stuff and find the "rule." I manage to work this into my email in a subtle way (well, not "the rule" specifically, but that its about high time that we meet). His response? 'Of course we'll meet, but the holidays are busy times, so it could be a few weeks.' I realize it was kind of a "we'll meet...eventually" type thing (blow off???), but actually, I whole-heartedly agreed, because I was crazy busy during the weeks leading up to Christmas. We still emailed though...

...and then he "ghosts". A.K.A. drops off the face of the planet. Again. This time it's just for a week. His excuse this time? He was super sick and his dream job was taking up a lot of time...but life would return to normal in a couple days and hopefully he'd be able to write me soon.

hmmmm. I was willing to forgive him the first time. I mean, a month is a long time, but I didn't have any other prospects then and I was new to the whole thing. Plus, as I said, we had a lot in common and I loved that we could talk easily. But now, my tune is changing...and here is why....

I've read lots of articles and advice columns that give the same bottom line: if he is interested, he'll make time. There is a very popular book (which was turned into a movie) He's Just Not That Into You that gives the same line....in fact, its one of my favorite quotes of the movie: "And, also, if a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you. I once called 55 'Lauren Bells' until I got the right one."

So not only has he not made time to email me (and really, how long does it take to write an email - even a short one saying, 'sorry, I'm sick and can't muster up the energy to stand up let alone write an email ;-)' or 'I have a lot going on with work, I'll try to email you later, but wanted you to know I'm still around')....but he really hasn't made an effort to meet me. And we've been emailing three months now.

He may be great on paper... smart, funny, cute, goal-oriented, etc, etc...but if he isn't going to make time for me now, then he sure as hell isn't going to make time for me later. Bottom line? I need a guy who wants to meet me and see if we click. Someone who wants to spend some time with me in real life. Someone who doesn't want to string me along for endless months...

There was a guy (James) who wrote me this past week and when I said, 'sure, maybe we will see each other at church' (he actually goes to my church, what a small world, huh?) he said "don't say maybe. If we want it to happen it will, no luck about it"

Sorry Cole...that was the final nail in your coffin.

-PJ

Everyone communicates differently -this I know is true - but I think that there are some guidelines for writing the first message. The first message is important; it's the first impression in the on-line world. Basically, it's the equivalent of that moment when you're at a party and your eyes meet from across the room. If that person looks at you, sees a god-awful outfit, food in your teeth, and comes to find out that you have one of those annoying snorty-laughs - well, you know you probably wont make a connection. Same goes for the first message. You want your "eyes to meet across the room" and "see" someone who is well dressed and groomed and has a warm, enjoyable laugh. In other words, that you're articulate, interesting, and have more to say about them than they have a nice face and you'd love to tap that sometime.

....so, it should be a good impression.

I've been doing this online dating thing since October. I'm new to a lot of things, but messages aren't one of them. I get a lot of them. Out of all the ones I've received I've replied to maybe five. I am not extraordinarily picky (I have 3 musts: 1.) non smoker, 2.) minimal drinker, 3.)no drugs, 4.) must be a practicing Christian. Everything else is negotiable.). So why have I only replied to 5 out of...probably 25+ messages?

First impressions. The message is what I see before the profile. So you're profile could be the best in the world, written perfectly and designed exactly for my eyes, but if you're message goes something like this "heeeey baby, you look fine, hit me up so we can get to know each other"....well, then I will never see your perfect profile. Hey baby, you look fine? Seriously?

I am not the only one who appreciates a well-written message. I read an article that said that most women actually prefer a well-written message. It should include a nice hello (complete with an introduction of your name) and a little something about the person being contacted...something stated in their profile. This gives the indication that they actually read the profile and found something in it interesting (and didn't just view them as a cute face). The end should wrap up by saying you'd love the chance to get to know them further.

I even know that men prefer a well-written message. I know a guy who I actually met on okcupid.com. I'll write about him later (he is one of the good ones...he requested I call him "Brock" on here. I think he was kidding, but now he is stuck with it. hee hee). We share horror stories of messaging and he concurs. I share this with you to point out that even men find first messages important and want them to be written well.

Alright, so if you're reading, then you've already been told how to write a good message. But for those who are slower than others, I'll rinse and repeat. Say hello, introduce yourself, talk about something in the person's profile and end with something like "I'd love to get to know you better." Oh, and have correct grammar/spelling....very important.

Here are the things not to do:

DON'T...
-Tell people you're sick of not being answered. In the words of my friend Brock, it makes you seem undesirable. Remember, you are trying to sell yourself to this person - so don't make it seem like your some poor, lonely puppy that never gets fed.
-Use verbiage that suggests you are interested in one thing and one thing only. You may be (in which case, find a hooker, cause a dating website is for DATING), but you'll never get an answer from a respectable girl by saying "hey sexy, I'd love to hit that sometime."
-Tell a girl she is beautiful and leave it at that. Sure, its nice to be called beautiful, but I'd love to know that you find ME interesting and not just think I'm a pretty face. Studies suggest women would actually prefer you not mention looks in the first message. That way they know you are focusing on them as a person and not them their physical features. I know that I am less likely to reply to you if you tell me I have a beautiful smile or gorgeous eyes on the first email. I have heard it in almost every email I have received...it may be true, but it's not original and I'm tired of hearing it.
-

The Best (Worst) Messages
Here are some of my favorite worst messages that I've received :-) Enjoy
(p.s. these are verbatim)

"damn you look like one of those girls next door that i could turn bad, what do ya say?" (uh, gee, such a tough question.... I say no. that's what I say.)

"Has anyone ever consulted you to fulfill their BBW fantasies?" (consulted me? What am I, a hooker? Seriously.)

"Im going to keep this rather short because im tired of writing novels just to be ignored" ....(Dear Undesireable, I wouldnt start out a message that way. Or proceed to actually write a novel. Now you are telling me most girls dont want you and that you're a liar. Love, PJ) "you read it but didnt respond? not intrested then?" (wow, you're a quick one)


there were more, but sadly they got deleted.
Anyway, its easy to see why these didn't make the list of keepers :-)


I know I've focused mainly on the bad messages people have sent, so I thought I'd take the time to say Kudos to all the guys who did write a good message to me. Keep on writing them gentlemen, you're bound to find the right person some day!!! :-)

Well thats all I have for today.
-PJ

Well today's blog was going to be about messaging in a good way...I have a couple of doozies to share with you too, which I was going to delete, but then decided to save so I could share them with you. :-) If I have time I'll write on that subject (though it just might have to wait - dont want to rush a good thing you know).

Today's story is about Jared "Just Kickin' It." Yes, I know what you are thinking, in my blog from last week I kicked him to the curb. But he made a return visit yesterday morning.

So he text messages me late on Saturday night. "Hey Jane." I don't answer because I'm sleeping. I do see the message on my phone the next morning so I text this unknown number back and ask who it is. And he replies, "It's Jared from the dating website." Oh. Great. Him again.

So let me stop you here. Because there is something fishy going on. I mean, when we started this whole shindig he had one number. The zip code was not a local number, but one from a bigger city north of here (but he lives to the south). His second number (changed thanksgiving weekend) was also from that same northern area....and his THIRD number (changed...well, it would have had to be last thursday or friday) was a local one. Am I the only one who thinks its creepy that he has changed numbers twice in less than a month AND they bounce around from city to city? Well, I think its creepy. :-P

So anyway, new number....so I ask him the most important question. Uh, what happened to friday night? (And to be honest, I am hoping for a straight-up 'oh my god Im so sorry, I got ran over by a bus or my grandma died' story.) You know what I got? "I worked, sorry. are you working today?" You worked? You worked? Our plans were for 8PM....you are a roofer. The sort of job that isn't done AT NIGHT. And let's move on to the 'sorry.' You blow me off with no phone call or communication whatsoever and all I get is a one-word apology? How about "I am so sorry Jane, my car ran out of gas in the middle of no-where and my phone died, (and of course I had no computer) and had to walk 30 miles before some random semi picked me up (his name was bubba and he kept giving me creepy 'how you doin'? looks') and drove me to a gas station. But by that time it was midnight (cause I had to walk those 30 long miles - oh, in flip-flops, when it was freezing cold outside)...and even then the reason I didnt call you for an entire week after was because Bubba took me on a little road trip" I mean you are obviously lying about working that night...might as well make the apology you probably dont really mean a creative one.

So lets move on to the last part. "Are you working today?" We all know what this implies....that he wants to hang out with me. Really? Seriously? You make plans with me, blow me off and then think I'll actually want to hang out with you. Really?

So instead of answering his question about if I was working I say, "you couldnt text me and let me know?" and he said "I misplaced your number." Huh. You missed placed my number. I dont believe this, especially since its not like it just disappeared when he got a new number & phone. I mean sure, he'd have to grab it off the old phone if he didnt transfer the numbers, but its not like the old phone self-distructed. Besides, he hasnt exactly given me reason to trust him that he was telling the truth....

So Jared misplaces my number. Oh, and apparently for an entire week afterward he forgets that I have email that he's talked to me through before. So no message that way either, you know, explaining to me about Bubba and the interesting road trip.

Alright, so he again asks if I am free that morning. But I igonore him again basically tell him that I am big on good communication and its clear he isn't, so I dont think its going to work out. To me, thats straight forward and simple : We are through.

But no. Not for "Just Kickin It" He text me back saying "I said I'm sorry." Which I heard this weekend from the 5 year old I baby-sat. And the five year old said it in that bad attitude tone....and thats how jared's message read. And then he said, "let me make it up to you - are you free today?" I almost asked how he was going to make it up to me. Chocolates? Roses? A expensive dinner? Seranade me? How does one make up for being completely rude to someone and not respecting them? So I say (for what I hope will be a final time) "I am not free, but I dont think it's gonna work anyhow. Sorry." And just when I think the conversation is over (because to me that was VERY clear)

"Don't be upset (not really upset, more annoyed). It will work out (it really wont - you were practice anyway). I made a mistake (yeah, you really did. lesson learned, I hope). Please forgive me (no. just no.)" And if it wasn't enough that he blew me off, didnt talk (or apologize) to me for an entire week, gave a weak, half-ass apology for it much too late...now he reaks of desperation. Wow. What a catch.

So what was my reply? "I need someone who can respect me and my time and you've already shown me you can do neither."

Well, he didnt write back, so...messaged recieved. Thank God.

So thus ends the tale of Jared "Just Kickin' It" (really this time).

I will write my next blog about messages a little later, so stay tuned :-)

-PJ

The profile is imporant. It's a window into who you are. Based on the profile people are getting a glimpse of you; their decision to talk with you stems from what they see when the look at your profile.

I suppose it depends on which dating site you are on as to what your profile looks like. Plenty of Fish's website offers a quick glimpse of who you are with: Age, Relationship Status, Smoker, Drinker, and a few other simple pieces of information. Then there is the "about me" category and a "what a good first date is" category. Okcupid gets far more detailed and lets you see height, body type, religon, income, do you have kids, do you want them (and thats just the statistics part!)...the body of the profile includes an about me, favorites, what I spend my time thinking about, and so much more.

Its good to fill out your profile all the way. Make sure you write something in each section. Polls indicate that people who fill out their profile see more action then those that leave many sections blank. Be sure you write enough so the person gets an idea of who you are, but be aware that you don't need to be so detailed that I know ever musical artist you've ever heard, ever good food you've ever tried, or every good book you've ever read. It's good to know that you can read though ;-). And here is a great note: when writing your profile you should use correct spelling. Oh, and don't use internet lingo: using 4 instead of for, plz instead of please. It makes you seem lazy...and its super annoying to read.

What else can I say about the profile? Oh yes. The picture. I could probably write an entire chapter on the picture profile, but I'll try to restrain myself.

A person (guy or girl) should have at least 2 pictures. One where the face is clearly defined and another where the body can be seen. I hate to say it, but image is important and people care. If you can't get past this, you'll have a hard time finding sucess online. I've run across so many bad pictures...so I think it'd be helpful if I shared some with you...sort of a 'do not do' kind of list.
1.) pictures where you are making a really stupid face - i.e. drunk pictures - remember, you are trying to attract the opposite sex, not repel them.
2.) pictures that show you wielding a gun or knife. Because really, nothing inspires more confidence in a girl than your creepy picture holding a sharp knife. Seriously.
3.) pictures that include you with your arms around an attractive member of the opposite sex. Remember, you are on a dating website. Polls indicate this makes you seem like a player - girls are less likely to even look at your profile if they see this sort of picture.
4.) My personal favorite - grainy cell phone pictures taken in a bathroom mirror. Even better - when you are next to naked. I know the point. You want the oppsite sex to see your incredibly sexy body. Except 9 times out of 10 its not incredibly sexy (sorry to burst your bubble). And even when it is, you should leave something up to the imagination. Plus, its more likely that people will think you care more about sex than a potential relationship (i mean, look how quick you were to take your clothes off...and that was just for a picture!). And for God sakes, have a little self-respect. A good rule of thumb...if you wouldnt show the picture to your mother, you shouldn't post it online. And as for the grainy cell phone bit...seriously. Either learn to take a self-portrait (they arenty that hard) or ask a friend. Take pride in your picture's quality!

Ok, the picture thing was sort of a rant. But I kept it to the top 4...because honestly, there are so many more things I could say.

The last part about this blog isnt about your profile. It's about the other person's profile. The one your looking at...the prospective date. Here is the big tip of the day. Read the profile. I know, I know...it sounds like common sense, but apparently its not. I've had guys message me saying how much we have in common, only to go to their profile and discover we don't. My favorite story is of a guy who messaged me this exact line and then when I looked at his profile I discovered he didnt like sarcastic people. He actually said sarcastic women should just keep walking...but my profile states very clearly that I can be sarcastic.... It was imediately clear that he hadn't read any of my profile (I mean this was in the first paragraph!). I think this is more of a guy thing (believe me guys, women complain about this all the time on forums at dating websites). So, wanna impress your potential lady? Read her profile (yes, the whole thing). It shows you are really interested in her.

Alright, thats all I have for today. Join me tomorrow for a look into how to make first contact (sucessfully).

<3
Jane

How about we begin with a story?

So here is the story about Jared...

Jared first contacted me on a popular web site known as plentyoffish.com. His profile wasn't super revealing but his message was nice and his picture was good. Actually, it made him look like James Bond - so debonair in a tux. I thought, perhaps a few good conversations will reveal what was lacking in the profile. I replied to his message and instead of answering me back with any sort of answers to my questions, he asked for my number. I was weary of a number exchange, but I thought, people give out their numbers all the time in the real world, how could it hurt?

His very first text message answered a few basic questions that I found to be important. Do you drink, smoke and are you religious? He answered all three questions with acceptable answers (no, not a lot and yes)...so I thought, so far so good. And then it happened....he asked me if I could "kick it" the following day. Kick it? Really? Seriously? Alright, perhaps I am getting hung up on the choice of phrase used (but...seriously?). I suppose my biggest problem is that he knew virtually nothing about me (or me about him) and he already wanted to...kick it. I haven't been in the online dating world that long, but even I recognize how incredibly fast that is. Look around any web site spouting online dating advice and they will all tell you the same thing...a couple emails to start with, followed by a few phone conversations and then meet. A nice three step program which helps to filter out the not-so-great guys and it helps promote safety.

Jared earned his nickname in this conversation "Jared Just Kickin It." And I did politely decline his invitation to kick it (what are we, soccer players here?). I told him I was going out of town and wouldn't be available (and yes, that was true). He accepted it well and persisted, texting me to ask how my day was going and even how my flight was on my trip. Good signs, I thought.

So we text a couple of times while I am out of town...but the thing is, they were all open ended conversations. Basically, we are having a mini-texting conversation and I would text him something (usually a question) and he'd never respond. And that would be it, until the next day when his name would appear in my inbox and his message saying, "hey." At first I thought, well, maybe he wasn't getting my message - it's been known to happen after all...but then it would happen with every conversation and suddenly the pattern made it appear as though it was just how he did things. Now maybe it doesn't bother any of you, these open-ended conversations...but I don't think its so hard to answer my questions or if you are busy and don't have time, to at least say, "hey I can't talk right now, but I'll text you later." Its polite and considerate. It doesn't leave the other person hanging. But he was neither polite, nor considerate about these sort of things. Even still, I persevered. Some guys just don't communicate well, after all.

We had other conversations as well. It turns out he likes movies I don't. He was also a bit of a pessimist, which doesn't exactly go well with my optimism. Right now the red flags should raise and warning bells should ding. Through texting I am learning little bits of information that make it seem as though we are opposites. But you know what they say, opposites attract...so I thought, I'll meet him first. Maybe we'll connect despite these things.

So then the day comes when he asks me if I had plans on Friday night. I said no and he asked if I could hang out (if he had asked if I could kick it, let me tell you, I was out the door!). I said sure and so ensued a very interesting conversation where he asks me if I would pose for pictures smoking (for a good cause) so he could create a Truth campaign about the negative effects of smoking. Interesting project - not an interesting way to meet someone for the first time. Sort of creepy actually. I followed proper Internet-safety protocol and told him I couldn't meet him under those circumstances because I felt uneasy about it. He asked how he could make me feel more safe (kudos to him for this, I suppose) and I said we'd need to meet in a public place. He agreed. However, he wanted to meet at 10pm at Starbucks....which is a little late for me...especially since online dating 101 warns against meeting late at night. So I asked if we could meet earlier and he agreed. I then asked another question: if we could meet at a Starbucks more in-between our locations (the one he wanted to meet at was pretty far from me)....and true to his complete inability to finish a conversation, he never answered back. Not exactly the best time to leave a girl hanging!

So our big meet is supposed to be tonight. Except I don't really know where we are meeting. I text him to confirm today, but it's been 6 hours and I've gotten no text message back. I think it's officially time to call this one off. I mean I suppose I can deal with the open-ended conversations (to a point) and that we are opposites can be overlooked...but, you're really going to leave me hanging as to whether or not we are actually going to hang out? Especially on a Friday night? Really?

Bottom line? The guy doesn't value my time. If he did, he'd have taken the 5 seconds it takes to text me back and say yes or no. He wouldn't leave me wondering whether or not we'd actually be getting together...making me wait until the last minute and then letting me know we are a go. I value my time and I value other people's time. I'd never do it and I don't think I'm going to put up with someone doing it to me. Add this to his lack of ability to communicate and our apparent opposite tastes...and well...

Sorry Jared, but I think it's time I kick you to the curb...

Let's introduce ourselves shall we. My name is Jane. I'm a 24 year old female who has recently entered a new world. It's called online dating. Throughout my experience as an online dater I've been taking notes. These notes are designed to help other online newbies navigate the exotic world of dating through wi-fi. And of course, its also to entertain. The advice is real, the stories true, but the names have been changed.

Enjoy.