Showing posts with label okcupid. Show all posts

In June I was stood up by a guy multiple times (I was dumb enough, to give him more than one chance). And that hit me hard. It also happened to be just before my birthday (thanks jack-ass). So I decided it was time to let go of online dating, once again. To walk away for a while. I was getting increasingly bitter and guys were getting increasingly creeper. So I bowed out. I decided it was time to reconnect with myself. Go out into the world and meet people to really connect with (re: not date). Just experience life off-screen for a while. It's been two months.

Earlier this week I met a guy, a friend of a friend, while I was with my friend and her group of friends for trivia night. He talked to me like I was just a person, not some potential fuck-buddy. He showed interest in me as a person, not just my body as a toy. It was really enjoyable to have a conversation with him. And it really highlighted how warped my mind has become from OLD. It really cast a light on how much I missed and craved real conversation and genuine niceness. It showed me how much I distrust every single man who tries to make conversation with me through a dating app (whether appropriate or not) - that I suspect the motive of said person is to get inside my pants. And why wouldn't I distrust them? All you have to do is read previous entries and it sums up the whole of my online dating experience. Dick picks and inappropriate messages. Or twelve seconds getting to know me and then asking for full body pictures and wanting to sext. Why wouldn't my first thought be the suspicion that I am just a warm body to be objectified?

It's sad because I am sure that not all guys online are like that. My friend and her fiance met online. I know a couple people with good stories and real relationships who began online. But for whatever reason that has not been my experience and it is has really affected how I see the world (and myself).

I was talking to my therapist the other day about this and about my tendency to hate my own body. And she pointed out a very real and very valid truth. I objectify myself. And yes, it is true I can trace the beginning of me doing that back to high school; that's the foundation. In that way I fell victim to an objectifying society. But the self-hating statue that was built on that foundation can be directly linked back to online dating. Because I was treated as an object there. I became an object there. And despite knowing in myself that there are a lot of great qualities that make me a great person, I am still an object.

Online dating has changed in the last five years (I should know, having been in and out of this world for the last ten). It so much less about finding real connection right now and so much more about finding a hook up, that it's changed the industry. And it's a toxic place. Will I return? Probably one day if I don't find what I am looking for in the real world. But when I do return my goal is to know myself and love myself and not let one single dick pic or inappropriate message ever make me feel like I am nothing more but  a disposable thing again. Because if I don't have that....then no amount of hope for romance and love is worth it - it's not worth hating myself. And its not worth seeing the world through a lens of distrust.

Time to go find myself.
-PJ

My online dating has been going in waves lately. For a few days I'll get a lot of messages and then nothing but crickets for a while. If I post a new picture, it'll attract some interest, but then things will die down....but its never normal interest you know? It's weird. Or gross. Always.

Exhibit A:

*Sigh* Yes, please just ignore my attempt at conversation so that you can highlight that you are naked. Let me guess....you want me to comment on your nakedness. 




Exhibit B:
























I do, in fact, have snapchat. I am not stupid enough to tell men that because all they want is photos of you. Usually naked. It took me very little time to realize this. So now I lie. Good thing too or some guy would be using my pictures to jerk off.....oh wait.






Exhibit C:

























First of all....why would a woman lie about that? If a woman wants to draw attention to her chest size, she takes a selfie of her chest, she doesn't lie about being fat. Idiot.
Second...he asked me if I liked wrestlers and I said sure. Silly me, why didn't I realize right away wrestling was a euphemism for sex.



For Heaven's sake. Really?
I ask myself repeatedly what I did to deserve such bad dating karma....I don't know. Maybe I murdered a husband in a previous life. I am not sure why else I repeatedly get people who act like this straight out of the gate. This can't be normal. Not three messages in one 24 hour period. And of course, for those of you who know me or follow this, you know these kind of guys, these messages, are common for me. I must have gotten sucked into some dating hell vortex.

Where is the basic respect? Common decency? It can't be missing from the entirety of the male species? So why on Earth do I seem to only attract the ones who are like, "wanna sit on my face?" (yeah, that happened). Why do I keep getting the guys who make these comments ten seconds in? Or even a few conversations in. Why can I not get that respectful guy who just wants to take me out on a date and get to know me? I thought that is how dating is supposed to work.

If you sense a tone of frustration and anger in my writing instead of my usual witty sarcasm, you'd be right....because I am frustrated. I can't help but think that I am, in some way I am not aware of, attracting this type of crap. That this somehow falls on me (all joking of dating karma aside). Is it because I am overweight? These weird creepy guys have some fat fetish and this is how that plays out? Does something about my pictures scream, "hey, I really just want sex, that whole personality and dating thing doesn't matter." It's crazy how objectified I feel, considering as an overweight person, I usually feel invisible to guys (IRL). I know no one else who is having this kind of experience where it's just unrelenting messages that relating back to sex. I mean, I hear stories of other peoples' dating experiences and they aren't great....but they aren't this.

I don't even have a witty ending today. I'm just done.

-PJ
(@plainjanedating)

I am supposed to be reading. Or doing my taxes. But I can't. I just found a new online dating app and it's freaking awesome. And by awesome, of course, I mean its full of weird men, creepy men....and wait for it..... ONLINE STREAMING! Oh how did this girl get so lucky?

(I bet you are thinking, what, wait???)

These guys are literally sitting in their apartments streaming themselves as they do what they do (ick. not like that -  there are rules and apparently streams are periodically and frequently paused for review for that kind of stuff). Could this get any better though (for this blog, I mean)? Watching men be men in their own habitats? Only their own face streaming back at them....completely unencumbered by the reactions of women everywhere.

Stream# 1 - I am watching this guy ..... Clearly high and drinking. Did I mention high? Like higher than the empire state........ singing to some ridiculous rap song and talking about how ugly he is (he isn't really) and burping. And Jasmyn keeps saying he is so hot and so this ensuing argument is going on and on and on. It feels like watching teenagers. "No you're the hot one," "no you are" [enter annoying giggle here]. Jasmyn makes very little sense talking about her Popsicle-like body (and how she is the ugly one, not him) and this guy has no idea what she is saying, but he keeps talking anyway. Hell, I am sober and I had trouble following the conversation.

Stream# 2 - This guy I actually talked to for a minute. I asked him why he streams and he said its something to do. Then one of his users and he started talking about why he wasn't gay (because some guy asked him if he was...a) why would you bring that up to a bunch of women you are trying horribly to impress? and b) stereotypically, I can totally see why the guy asked). And then he wanted alcohol so he was looking to see if the store was open on Google maps and checked his bank account to see if he could afford some alcohol. Classy.

Stream# 3 - I didn't read this guys profile before clicking on his stream, so I had no idea who he was or what I was getting into (dangerous, I know). Turns out this guy is nice. He is from Europe, smart, well-spoken, and goofy at a humorous, tolerable level. Lets call him The Dutchman. He really was nice. Very gentlemanly for about 57 minutes. Nice, simple conversation. But even the nicest of men think about sex and that's about how long it took for him to ask me what color underwear I had on. *face palm* Dude, you were doing so well! I was actually impressed. I am not sure how we got to that question actually. Nothing nefarious was said before that. He is into the art of being subtle and going for the anticipation instead of the outright "lets fuck" kind of strategy; I guess that's how we weaved our way into that conversation. He never said anything like the usual suspects. Nice and smooth.

This live stream thing is an interesting dynamic because every piece of them is open and available to watch, but he can't see me or my reactions. Its like the perfect observation for a psych person (AKA me). And what makes it more interesting is how little I actually had to say. This is why silence is the best friend of police and counselors. People just talk and talk. They dislike silence, so if you say nothing, they will fill the silence. And what they say is usually so revealing. I feel like I got a good glimpse into the world of men tonight.

I think I am in love. Ha ha. The perfect dating site to.... well, not date, persay, but do exactly what I've been doing all along. Just let guys be guys and watch as they give themselves the rope and then hang themselves with it.

Also, The Dutchman gave me a fantastic idea as he rambled on about imagining our first date and then the second (and in his cute accent, "is that improper?"). My mother always tells me I should write a book. Especially when she reads my blog (yeah, yeah, she reads the crap all these men say to me). I always shrug off the suggestion, but now I think she has it right.... I should write a freaking romance novel. Because these guys are giving me all kinds of sexual scenarios and why waste such good editable material??? Its genius.

The Plain Jane Romance Novel Series.
Brought to you by dirty minds everywhere.

-PJ

(plainjanedating @ twitter)

Ever since I have started online dating, I have seen things I can't unseen. The things I've read or heard from men have really been enough to lose faith in the whole of the male species. I really thought by now I'd heard it all. Submission, domination, fetishes, dick pics, proclamations of undying love, cuddle buddies and friends with benefits.... but this guy....

So this guy messages me, "How crazy are you?" So I think, oh boy, just another guy looking for another weird sexual something. And I go to his profile and sure enough....

Not looking for anything serious. That's cool. Not for me, but as the curious psychology driven, blogger I am intrigued. What exactly is crazy to this guy?
 (and yes, I realize this side of me is exactly why I have heard and seen it all and lost faith in dating and romance and love). So here is his answer.......



So...that's a new one.
And apparently, to him, kids are nothing serious. That's sightly frightening. I politely declined, but now I am sort of wishing I had held onto this conversation. Not because I am interested in having a baby with a random stranger who thinks kids are some casual thing...but because I'd love to know this baby daddy's plan. How do we raise this kid? Co-parenting? Do we share family events? And who pays for things? Split it down the middle, going halfsies? Do you just want to be a part-time daddy? Why do you even want kids? All good questions that I'd love to know the answers to. Mostly, I really just wonder why on earth he would go about having a kid this way, but I suppose it makes a kind of sense. It's certainly cheaper and faster than adoption or finding a surrogate. It is consensual and there is the added bonus of not having to be tied down in a marriage or relationship, cause it's just for funsies.

Now I really do think I've heard it all.

-PJ
(@plainjanedating)

It's been a while since I have dated. It's been a while since I have wanted to. Just read any of my previous blogs and you'll understand why. It's not exactly a mystery. What is a mystery is where have all the good guys gone? The ones who will just have a conversation with you about normal, non-sex related things. I swear they were out there...at some point. Now? I am beginning to wonder if they were only a figment of my wishful imagination.

One thing has changed since my last blog post in May. Now, instead of guys asking if you want to see their dick, they ask if you want to see their "naughty." No. I am not joking. Four people in the past four days (three of them today alone) asked me if I wanted to see their naughty. It's a silly name, like saying it that way makes it more acceptable?  But the question alone still mystifies me. Why would I want to see your dick? Why? You've see one, you've seen them all. I understand a guy's penis is solidly tied to his ego and in order to be successful in the dating world that ego needs to be stroked (oh God, no pun intended), but that does not mean I need to actually see your dick. Or stroke it for that matter. But that's another blog for another time.

Today I had a very long day of talking to men from POF. A lot of insecure men. Like when I went to dinner and this guy got all pissy that I didn't talk to him for two hours. High maintenance anyone? Or the one who saw my full body picture, told me I had a big butt (a risky statement - that could go either way) and that he liked it (although the picture of my full body in no way actually shows my butt, so....) and then when I didn't answer him (because I'd been sleeping... shocking, how we women like to sleep), he got all mad because he assumed I was mad about the big butt comment. I didn't care either way, but thank you for removing yourself from my list by being oh-so-dramatic about your own comment about MY butt. Seriously.

I made the choice to start dating again....I thought I was ready to be back online. I must have repressed all the drama because I swear it wasn't like this last time around. The dick pic thing, yes, but the drama of these boys....wtf? Four days in and already I want out.

That can't be a good sign.

-PJ

(@plainjanedating

Your profile, pictures, and messages are your introduction. And as the saying goes, the first impression counts...and that's a cliche for a reason. Because it's true. People may get to know you and change their opinion about you later on, but there will always be that initial impression; you simply can't un-see things and those things stay with you. Basic psychology. It never ceases to amaze me how people present themselves and makes me wonder exactly what some poor sap was thinking when they decided to put pen to paper (digitally, of course) and write things on their profile or in a message. This week has two particular memorable guys

Guy #1... (message to me)

Nothing crazy you know, just fraud and a gun charge.And really, whats so bad about that? Why do I need to go to prison?

Actually, I appreciate your candor; being upfront about some things is important, this being one of them. It's your lack of remorse that is troubling. And on an entirely different note, your lack of punctuation is annoying. How hard is it to use a period and comma? Come on.


Alright, so let's look at guy #2... (profile I came across)

Yep. That's right. This guy's profile was so risque that I had to redact almost the entire thing to post it here. It was......descriptive.

Although I do have to admit...he wasn't a bad writer. But probably the wrong forum for what basically amounts to written porn.





















I really want to ask both of these guys if either of their writings have actually successfully ended in a date. I certainly wasn't impressed. I did a face palmed a time or two though.

Here is my favorite pick-up line of the week:
"They say Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth. Well apparently no one has ever been standing next to you." 

I also learned a new term for online dating "GGG" this week. GGG apparently means "Good, Giving and Game." Being GGG means you're good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything. I wonder if Guy #2 considers himself GGG. If you read his profile, you'd certainly think so. Although, if you are reducing your profile down to explicit sex talk with no other discernible details about yourself... perhaps you are lacking in the GGG department. Or the personality department.

Online dating. As awesome as ever.
-PJ

(twitter: @plainjanedating)

So why can't all men do these small gestures of kindnesses.

-PJ

(@plainjanedating)

After a hot minute of going on several dates with one guy, then about a week of barely speaking to me, canceling on me twice, AND then standing me up, he decided he didn't have the "emotional bandwidth" (yes, he really said that, dumb ass) to have a relationship. Then, as if he couldn't be any more of an idiot, he text me a few days later saying he missed me and wanted to know if we could get together and talk (because in his mind, we had great conversations; in my mind there was a whole lot of talking on his end and it wasn't exactly stimulating). Of course I said no. Because...well....no.

Moving on.

So now I am back to my favorite dating apps: OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. And let me tell you...cupid has taken a permanent vacation and the pond must have been chemically treated because this is what I am getting:

I don't even have words for the purple gorilla. He had no other photos. Just that one....
It's pretty easy to spot guys who are looking for a hookup. Someone wanting to "rock my world" is definitely a tell-tale sign; a dead give-away. And well, you know me. I have a hard time resisting these guys for blogging fodder, so instead of deleting it, I replied (vaguely). So.....a Hang and Bang? Really? I gotta say, that's a  new one. Ah, well, points for honesty (maybe ?).




I got this one last night.... and I don 't really.... I mean....
Okay, so the beginning was just a "Hey." Not a strong start, but pretty typical....but then his reply to my "hey" I get the little smiley faces. What am I supposed to do with that? Emojis aren't an actual language people. You can't just substitute words with emojis and expect that to mean anything to anyone (especially a stranger). Okay, fine. I have good conversation skills, so I can work with almost anything. Except.... I just fucking murdered it at the gym and I'm laying in bed after taking a fat dab. *sigh* Seriously? What do you even say to that? In case you are wondering, I have specifically said I do not want to date people who use drugs. So, by all means, within the first few lines of conversation, please mention that fat dab you are smoking. That's really going to make you even more appealing.






I am talking to one guy and its slow and painful. This 25 year old guy is...well, 25. He is nice, but you can see his lack of maturity sometimes. We pretty much only talk about him; it's a lot of fun. I ask a question. He answers it with like, one or two words. If I get lucky, he'll explain something with a few sentences....but then we go back to the usual. Why then, you might ask, am I still talking to him? The answer? Well, yesterday the answer was I am trying to give him a chance to warm up a bit. He is perfectly able to converse in multiple, full sentences; He did so in our initial messages. He would have never gotten my number otherwise. But today? Well, put it this way: after I said, "you know, if you ever want to know anything about me, you can ask me anything too,"  his response was:
"Will Do :)"




Until next time,
PJ

(Twitter: @plainjanedating)

I've been unemployed for a while now, but I think I have found the perfect job: helping men with their profiles so that they don't scream at the very least, "very creepy" and at the most, "serial killer." I've received quite a few messages this week. The following are just a few of the best (re: worst). I will show you my talents of explaining what NOT to post in your profile and messages.

Here is one example:

Um....gosh, so much to say. Where to start? Where to start? How about I just say - no creepy face masks that make you look like a serial killer. I mean why? What was this guy thinking? This photo is sure to bring in the ladies? No, no it won't. Because it's creepy. And it makes me think you may just turn me into a skin suit. And ladies, if, by some complete lapse in judgment, you consider this guy, let me refer you to example two:















I blocked out his face out for privacy, but I'll tell you what he was doing. He was mirroring the creepy clown picture behind him. Yeah. That's just. Well, you know.



















So I would like to open this business and offer consulting for people on dating websites. I would almost do it for free because I almost feel sorry for this guy (and whomever he messages). He is never going to get a date with pictures like these. I guarantee it. But perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe there is a Ms. Creepy for this clown-loving-face-mask-wearing guy. Love comes in all forms I guess.

This business is not all about the pictures either. I would also like to help guys write their initial messages to a woman. I've gotten a lot of great examples this week. this first one is, I hope am sure is a typo. Because otherwise, it's just creepy.


Yes. That's it. The entire message. Did he forget to put "will?" As in, "I will find you" ??? (hello creepy!) Or maybe he was writing the message, accidentally hit send, realized his mistake and.... didn't write another message finishing his thought? Ummm.....let's just move on.







Of course I have gotten a few astrology sign messages in my day. They always give me a laugh.

I don't keep up on astrology, but I am pretty sure two Geminis dating is a recipe for disaster. Obliviously he doesn't know that. Or he does know and wants to give it the ol' college try. Perhaps we are destined to be greater than the fate that the astrological world predicts. Or something.





Then, of course, there is relocation and domestic partnership:



"Hi, I don't know you, but would you up and move your whole life for me so we can be wed and you can be my housewife? You'll never have to work again. I promise. There is just one catch. You'll have to live in the basement with these custom chains I had made just for you. They have, uh, diamonds on them. See? I promised you one ring, but I am so awesome I am going to give you two. Oh yes, and I forgot, its such a dangerous neighborhood, so I will, of course, be putting bars on the windows and locking the door. Its for your protection, you see." So, apparently this is not just a dating website, but a mail-order bride website. Or the start of a really bad serial killer movie. Please, please, please tell me no one actually falls for this???


This next one is my favorite.
Aside from boasting about his prince Albert piercing, it's mostly because it is so lazy and unimaginative. The guy basically copied his profile into his message. Not even all of it. These must be the tantalizing bits he thinks will win me over. Ravish and drain? I'm curious. If your imagination spreads so thin that you have to resort to copying and pasting your lines from profile to message, exactly how do you plan on ravishing me? I think it probably takes a bit of creativity; I mean to ravish and drain someone indicates some skill and skill in this arena usually indicates the ability to be creative. You aren't exactly exuberating confidence here. Oh, I get it. That's what Prince Albert is for. You're bad in bed and he makes up for it; does the heavy lifting. Got it.


Personally, I think I could make a fortune. Do you realize this is just a tiny sample of poor message/profiles in the vast space of online dating? I don't have any statistics, but I wager its a very high percentage of men that have something similar to one of these examples and, not surprisingly, they aren't attracting a lot of positive attention. It's like a profitable service for the individual man and a kind of community service for women everywhere.

Plain Jane's Guide to Online Dating is officially in business.

-PJ

I am, by no means, a elegant person. I am awkward and I fumbled through life in such a way that I could easily do a palm-face, shaking head motion to almost anything. Especially in the real world, especially with men. Except for on dates. Oddly enough, I'm like a peacock displaying my best feathers and I have to say, I do pretty well. It may be the only time I actually make sense to strangers. I am just prefacing this because I am about to step up to the mocking block and ...well...

We are going to call this guy "Just Friends Guy (JFG)" Now, we started talking some time ago, I don't know when exactly, but long enough that I deleted his chats and forgot he existed. I can only assume he fell off my radar because I was either interested in someone else or not interested enough in him. He contacted me (again) a few short weeks ago and said he had been going through old messages and saw I was active again (re: he re-checked out my profile because that's the only way he could possibly know this information). I emailed him back and told him (in my most apologetic messaging tone) that I was sorry, but I had forgotten who he was. He replied with the entirety of our conversations from a few months ago. Well, that's weird. But moving on. I read those messages over and he had seemed nice enough, so still not remembering the events that led me away from him, I decided to talk to him again. And he was pretty interesting.

Unluckily for him, I had just had a week of having been stood up and blown off twice in one week by two separate men, so I was feeling a little anti-men at that moment. But we talked a bit and he asked me out and because I am me, I throw caution to the wind, and say yes. But due to the holidays, we didn't actually set a date for our date until in between that forgotten week between Christmas and New Years. Over the holidays we texted messaged causal "hellos" and "how is your day?" kind of conversation; nothing exciting. I wasn't trying too hard because of the whole nightmare men disaster I previously mentioned, but I had the common sense not to say that, so I just did my part in the conversation to convey interested and a little somewhat-suppressed excitement of meeting him. Cool as a cucumber, I believe the phrase.

So date night comes (Friday night) and he chooses a new bar (as in brand new, it had opened on the previous Tuesday). This is his thing: going to new bars and restaurants. He likes trying new places, never orders the same thing twice. That's cool, I think (although to be honest, I am utterly habitual about routine, so something we don't have in common). But then he says, "I picked this place because it's new and that's my thing. So even if you didn't show up, it wouldn't matter because I wanted to come here anyway."  ...... It wouldn't matter? Wow, way to make a girl feel special. 'Your presence doesn't matter because I wanted to do this anyway, so it's all good for me either way.'

Ok. Fine. This guy is young (mid-twenties, which everyone knows in maturity level is like, early twenties for men) and first dates, by nature, can be awkward so I'll look past it. As we talk he paints a pretty good picture of himself. He likes normal things, challenges, has good, healthy relationships, goals, dreams, ideas and he is pretty cute. Finally! I think. A good catch. And we laugh and talk about things I'd like to do with my life and the current dreams he is pursuing (after another awkward moment when he explained to me the concept of confidentiality in the business world (I am a counselor and confidentiality is par for the course in my job and he knows this, but again, I chalk this up to first date jitters). We even talk to this poor guy who sullied up to the bar in an exhausted kind of way. It turns out he owns the acupuncture place next door who is waiting for the plumber to fix his issue with the toilets. Originally from California, this guy's dream was to attend college at Berkeley, but he never attained that dream.Funny enough, he moved to CO an set up shop in this neighborhood - two points if you can name the neighborhood correctly - why yes, it is Berkeley. I know this much detail (actually far more) about the man's life because he basically crashed our date for a bit. JFG chatted him up (in such a way that it is almost like they were on a date). These two are talking about how interesting the bar is and they even share a sip of the same cocktail (yep, two total strangers drinking from the same cup. This is getting weird, I think; especially so because when Berkeley leaves, he tells JFG to finish his drink for him and JFG actually does. Again with the awkward. So we are having what I consider to be a good time and then abruptly (and I do mean that in the truest sense of the word) he asks for the check, pays for the drinks, and within five minutes we are outside of the restaurant and I am wondering how that happened so quickly. In my head I actually asked the question, "Is it something I said?" because it was such a quick turn around. Or perhaps he just reached his two drink limit on his own night out on the town, to which I seem to be an accessory, not an actual key player in the evening. Well, given the  guy's name, you must know where this is headed. We walk a little ways up the road and appropriately, our cars happen to be in separate directions. JFG gives me the line, "I think we should just be friends" and a quick, awkward hug, and he is gone.

Ouch. Okay, that hurt. Despite these weird moments, the guy was genuinely nice and I really have to give him kudos because he was direct and honest about the date not working out. This has never happened in the ten years I've been dating. Ever. But the thing is, is that I already have friends and I am not looking for new ones, so in my head, I take his "just friends" line as the widely socially accepted rejection that it is and try to move forward.

On New Years day, I get this text message from him and it reads, "Happy New Year! So, part of my new years tradition is to help other people with their goals. So let me know if you are serious about trying to get a nonprofit counseling service going or want to hook up your bike to your tv. I would love to help!"

At first I am just incredulous. Speechless. I've got the "wait, what?" line running through my head more than once. Did this guy.... did he really just reject me so openly and then offer to help improve my life? Did he really mean he wanted to be friends? Like I would go on a date with him, be friend-zoned and actually want to be friends with him!!! Oh come on. No one is that clueless. Not today, not in the dating world. Being friend-zoned is a verb and people use it often. This guy can't be so incredibly naive to think a woman who is interested in him romantically is willing to settle for just friendship. Not two days after the rejection. And certainly not with the offer of helping to improve her life. No. Just no.

And just to be sure it wasn't me being overly negative, I asked some people around me if they thought this was weird. Insensitive. Ridiculous. Clueless. Naive. And the answer was yes. Because it is. All of those things. Even now, as I type this a day later I am still baffled. I want to talk to this kid and ask him to explain his logic and how he though texting a 32 year old woman that he just turned down with an offer to help her with her life goals was anything short of idiotic. I also want to tell him one of my goals in 2018 is to get into a relationship and ask if he seriously wants to help with that one too?

In case you are wondering, I did text him back and no, I did not ask him WTF? (though believe me, I wanted to). Instead I said happy new year, thanks for the offer, and I'll keep him in mind. And I will. Keep this poor, clueless, awkward guy in mind.....I'll keep him in mind as another OLD dating disaster and hopefully will never go on a date like that again.

Welcome to 2018 everyone.
-PJ


(now on twitter @plainjanedating)

Every once in a while I write something about safety. I read this article and thought it deserves a post.

Online Dating Has Created a New Type of Sexual Predator

"It's a tricky situation," says Scott Berkowitz, the president and founder of the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), echoing the NCA study's wariness about the potential danger in the "increased trust and intimacy" that can develop in online relationships—a little more than half the reported incidents began with communication that included "sexual content" before a face-to-face meeting.

I have learned you don't talk about sex before you meet. Even casually. A real gentleman will respect those boundaries without me even having to set them.

It's also important to always let someone else know you're going on a Tinder date in case something goes bad.

They say a TINDER date, I say EVERY date. Before I go on a date I write down the name and number of the person, where we are going and what time. And I always, always, tell someone about my date, and check in before and after it's over. And I usually try and do this for the first few dates because there is nothing stopping a sexual predator for waiting and luring you into trusting them before making their move. Guys always think this caution is silly, but as a woman, its essential.  Any guy who isn't okay with it never gets a date. If they aren't comfortable in making me feel safe, I don't want to date them.

I mock and joke about dick picks and sexualized conversation on here, but I take this stuff seriously if I am interested in meeting someone. So should anyone (guys included) when dating. It's just smart.

-PJ

I took a small hiatus from Skout, which was nice. And then I logged in. And bad messages happened. Of course I will share, don't worry.

My co-worker has joined the online world and the differences between the messages she receives and the ones I receive are like night and day. We compared messages. She gets creepy messages too, but they are more 'I want to love you forever' creepy and my are the 'overtly sexual' kind of creepy. The difference is the sites, of this I am sure. She is on match and I am on POF, okcupid and Skout. So, really it does matter which site you use; although I have never had success with match in a good way, and it's hard to justify spending a lot of money on something that has been consistently a bust.

Now that she is doing the OLD thing, we have a lot of conversations about dating. I've shared a few of the messages I get with my co-workers. If men only knew what a laugh my entire office gets when they message me...come to think of it, if men only knew what a laugh everyone on FB and on this blog gets....think it would deter them? Me either. Which is why this blog will exist until I get married, which, at this point.... well, you'll see.

And of course, who could read this blog and not feel satisfied without the messages that proposition me for sex or mentioning their penis? They are the classics. Can't deprive you of those.




[No. Just, no.][See above.]

I am going to go on two rants tonight (and of course share some pictures, because what would this blog be without those treasures?).

Rant One: Communication. I have said this all before, but I am continually surprised by how little people communicate properly. I am talking with a couple of guys and it's me asking the questions and them answering the question and then....nothing. That's it. So then I have to ask another question, same thing, and then another question... It's a never ending cycle. 1.) This is not an interview. 2.) If you don't make an attempt to get to know me, how are you going to know if we are compatible? Am I no more than a pretty face? Now before you go on saying that's just how guys are, let me tell you this: I know guys who can carry on a reciprocal conversation quite easily, so it's not just the gender itself (and stop stereotyping!). Are they lazy? Do they just not care about the answers? It's incredibly annoying. And oh so common. I am sad to say.

End rant One.

Rant Two: I recently read this article from NBC News story Meet the Woman Behind 'Perv Magnet,' a Project Documenting Online Harassment. The story is interesting enough (and lets women everywhere know that they are not alone!). Admittedly, I would not have taken it as far as her, posting who they really are, name and picture. I, at least, keep a little confidentiality. I mean, they are still creepy assholes, but still, I feel its only right. But I think I like the article because it is FINALLY shedding some light onto a subject nobody talks about: Social media and harassment. Because that really what it is, if you have to give it a name. Sending a penis picture or talking about your penis is, in effect, a form of sexual harassment. I don't ask for it, I don't want to know about your penis and I definitely don't want to see your penis.  I am just saying. Really, though, it was the comments on FB that made me annoyed enough to rant about it.

"Quit attention whoring babe... U aint all that and it aint made outa gold either... Lol. You really saved 10 years worth of messages from the internet to make yourself feel "in demand"??most people i know would have deletes,ignored and moved on Someone needs to get a life.." I won't even comment on the grammar (as I shudder reading it). It's not about feeling "in demand" or needing a life. It's about showing a side of the social media culture that women have to deal with and making people AWARE.

"Men are wired with sex as #1 priority. Women should understand this & manage THEMSELVES appropriately. Doing a study that proves men are sex fiends means nothing. Most people already know this. There are men everywhere to observe. Is not a secret." Men are wired with sex as a #1 priority? Oh please. So they should get to say whatever sexual comment they want, whenever they want it? I don't think so. You wouldn't let a guy walk up to you and say something wildly sexual or touch your breasts in any other social setting would you? No, because its inappropriate. But according to you, they should be allowed because sex is their #1 priority and that's just how they are. Idiot.

"Here's a thought... If you're going to be offended by pervy comments, DON'T post pics of yourself in your undergarments for all to see" My problem with this comment is that it puts all the responsibility of these inappropriate messages on the girl and her alone. She should be able to post whatever photo she likes without fearing guys will be disgusting pigs about it. Men DO have the ability to NOT say pervy things to a woman just because her picture is provocative. They CHOOSE to say such comments. They make the intentional effort to write out a message (or enclose a dick pic). Should they not have to take responsibility for their actions just because they have dicks and "sex is their number one priority?" F that! It might not be wise for a woman to post a picture in their underwear, but it doesn't mean that they should be subjected to sexually explicit messages that they didn't ask for. That's like saying a woman who wears a shorter dress deserves to be raped - they were asking for it. It's ridiculous.

"I'm lucky guys don't find me attractive lol oh wait....maybe it's also cause I don't dress and show myself off? yeaa...could be that too" Again, see my above comment.

There were tons more comments that I rolled my eyes at (or got downright angry at!). But I think I will just prove my point in my own way. First of all, let me say I have NO pictures on any of my profiles in which I am in just my underwear or not fully clothed. I have nothing provocative in pictures or on my profile that could be construed as suggestive in any way. And I still get these messages. It isn't because she wore skimpy clothes or is in her bra or whatever. It just happens. Regardless. And men, you too should be offended because people are summing up your gender as a bunch of pervy men that just can't help themselves! Like you have no self-restraint or manners. And women, they are basically suggesting we should just let it go because "that's how men are." The worst argument I have ever heard for men showing a woman pictures of their penis or writing sexually aggressive messages to them. Seriously!

But let me show you a few that I've gotten over the last few weeks:

And that's just a few. I'm holding back the rest for another blog. It's everywhere. I make a lot of jokes about it on this blog, but the truth is, its not only disrespectful and gross, but in some cases it really is sexual harassment. It is a real problem on social media, only that people not only don't take seriously, but write off as "normal" behavior for men! That, perhaps, is what is the most disgusting, more so than the messages themselves; it's the attitude about them.


Until next time,
PJ

I know I said I was taking a break. And I am. But two things have come across my desk that I wanted to share because they so relate to this OLD world. First, an appropriate 101 on sending dick pics (thanks to Elizabeth for sharing)

And then I ran across this gem of an article and I want to post it everywhere for all men to read. They won't, of course. They can't even read a short paragraph on a profile, but ah, a girl can dream.

How To Sext (full article here)

My favorite quotes:


"Start Small. Be gentle and a bit ambiguous at first, suggests Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess. Dr. Jess says some examples of great starters you could try may be:
See, a how-to guide right at their feet. And yet....I bet I will still get offers to see guy's nether regions because somehow they think that is sexy. It's not. Wait. Let me repeat that for anyone who might have missed it.  

IT'S NOT.

You know, they say women are mysteries....but the truth is men just don't listen when they should. Like. Right. Now.