I think I have a pretty face. I don't think I am beautiful, but I think the word pretty is an accurate word to describe my face. My body is another story. Everyone says I need to learn to love my body before anyone else will love it. I am pretty sure people who say that have a.) never been fat or b.) are living in a fantasy world. America has taught me to hate my body, and whether it is right or wrong I do. Its not what I want to see when I take my clothes off. I'm pretty sure it is not what others want to see. Especially if they are one of those "beautiful people." I'm not alone in thinking this. It just is what it is.

I know you aren't reading this blog for my therapeutic nonsense though. You're reading because either I or the online world of dating fascinates you - or I told you to read. So let me tell you how I am combining all of this....

It is absolutely important that you are honest in your online profile. Nothing is worse than going on a out and realizing your date is not who they say they are. Especially your body. Because that is the first thing a person sees. You can thank corporate America for highlighting body image so much. So I was looking at my profile and wondering if I have been portraying someone I am not. Sure, my profile says I'm "full-figured" (although I am sure that's different to everyone) but the truth is no one reads anymore. They see your profile pictures and determine if they want to speak with you. Its more like Pictorial Dating than anything else. I decided I was not fully representing myself, so I put up some photos I have lying around from last year. None of this in the mirror bullshit. That's just lazy. Just an everyday shot of me, doing whatever it was I was doing. I may be trying to impress, but now so much that I impress you by thinking you're getting something you aren't. My pretty face pulls you in, and then when you discover I'm not skinny, athletic or toned, or whatever the word of the day is... well, I am the one who gets to feel bad once you reject me because I wasn't skinny enough for you. Talk about an excellent way to make a girl anorexic. sheesh.

But moving on, because the topic here was meant to be about Abstinence.

I say it on my profile: "you should message me if.....: If you enjoy being with a girl who is confident and independent, if you have a great sense of humor, and if you can respect that I am practicing abstinence until marriage and the thought of this doesn't scare you off."

So, I am waiting. And as I said above, people don't seem to read profiles. Why bother right? Well, mine contains this nugget of important information. That's right gentlemen, I am not giving it up to you, and no, I don't care how sexy your self-mirror, practically naked picture is.

Today I was talking with a potential candidate for a date. He seems very nice. I initiated the messaging online, if you are wondering. All that talking went well enough that I gave him my number. Its always a gamble in dating, online or not. I should have done my homework though. I should have clicked on the questions we don't have in common, searched by subject and found the sex questions. I didn't, however. And he didn't apparently read my profile. So in our text messaging this whole topic comes up (not in a dirty way). He tells me he loves sex and I jump off the train right there. Big red flag, flying in the wind. I reiterate my abstinence (they always ask if I am still a virgin by the way. why do they ask that every.single.time.? Is there some cultural trend I am unaware of or something?) and I actually have to draw out of him that he is not interested in dating me if sex is off the table. He seemed unwilling to tell me this - like he was trying to protect my feelings. How chivalrous.

I am not bummed about this because I read the answers to his sex questions and we have very different ideas about what sex should be. But we have this whole conversation about it and you know me. I am too curious about people and their inner thoughts for my own good, so I kept the conversation rolling. And he keeps saying "I think............ but that's just my opinion." This annoys me to no end because if you start off a sentence with "I think" then clearly it is your opinion. And by putting "but that's just my opinion" does not soften your words or make whatever you said less than what you actually said. That's a tip for anyone out there. Own your words. Oh, and since we are on a literary rant..... if you ask a question, don't write "I am just curious" before or after the question. If you are asking a question, it is clear you are curious.

I digress. This man tells me that I should "explore" myself before I let anyone else "know me." He told me a few other things too, but I'll just make a blanket statement. I love it when guys tell me what or how I should do something pertaining to sex because I am a virgin and have no experience. Trust me, he isn't the first guy to say something like this to me. And every time I hear it I get annoyed. Believe me guys, I know better than anyone how it feels to not be having sex. I sure as hell know better than you do. I don't need your advice or opinions on it.

I am beginning to think this whole waiting it out thing isn't worth the headache. Seriously. I mean at age 27 this is going to be a obstacle with any guy I date. Not that I cannot find a respectable, understanding guy out there, but....

okay, so this is the text I just got (this guy just asked me how far did I think I would go with a man....and let me be clear, it doesn't feel like a pervy conversation, otherwise I'd be out...anyway, so he asked me and I tell him, I don't know. "I don't know. honestly. I don't. I mean I am a 27 year old woman. I get the same feelings and urges as everyone else. I just don't know. and that isn't something you figure out through self-discovery and contemplation."

His response? "I understand it is very interesting I was there once too :-)"

Oh, I doubt it.

Okay, so the bottom line here:

a.) Always be truthful on your profile.
b.) Anyone out there talking to a person practicing abstinence, don't assume you know what it is like or tell a person how it should be, or be cavalier or sarcastic about someones decision to remain abstinent. Its not helpful. It certainly isn't funny. It DOES make a girl feel self-conscious though. And its kind of a douche-bag move.

I have some conversations going with quite a few people. They made lead no where, but who knows right? There will most definitely be some blogging material either way. So, on that note...

until next time,
PJ