Showing posts with label cuddling. Show all posts

There is this genuinely good guy I've wanted to date for four years (He is known, in some circles, as the Greek God; you know I like a good nickname). Ironically, I met him on Skout. You'll understand the irony once you read further...excerpts from a "reputable" dating website I have been on these days. If you look back at my previous entries, you'll note Skout has been one of those creepy dating apps with dick pics and dying declarations of love. However, these days, it's Plenty of Fish that's making me regret considering the male species suitable for a love connection. Or hell, a human connection.

It's all about the sex, it seems. Not that this is news on an online dating site, it just seems to be nothing but these days. I swear every guy has wanted to see five pictures, in addition to the 6 they already get to see on my profile. My hips, butt (uh..."booty"), and me in underwear are the most popular. And the second I say no, it's some lame excuse and then they are never heard from again. The same is true of guys who have told me they want me to come over and cuddle and "watch a movie." How stupid do I look? So I suggest a first date of dinner or drinks first (its that whole safety and getting to know someone first thing). "Oh yeah, well we could totally do dinner first. I am just super busy with work, so I might not be able to for a while..." Oh yeah, but when sex was involved it was like, "anytime works for me babe." Yeah. Real subtle.

Of course I still get the weird ones:

And the 'oh so obvious' nonchalant attempts...
And then the worst of the worst. This one actually had me speechless. He was just being....cruel for the sake of being cruel.

Yeah. Just yeah.


Oh, and of course, to nicely round of my day...
 .... to which I responded with something like, "do women really response to that?" His response? Like what? and so.... So before I can even see the message, come up with a good retort, the inevitable dick pic request comes. The next message I didn't take a screen shot of because I said, "no, I am not interested." And like any reasonable person, I thought that was enough. But no....two days ago he messages again and says.....
 


Unfortunately for me, knowing The Greek God and knowing the handful of guys that I do (both online and IRL), I know that there are good men out there. Kind, caring, compassionate decent, likeable. And I am not saying sex isn't on their mind, but its not the first thing and it isn't so....blatant. I am not quite sure why they are hiding from me. Why these jackasses keep finding me. It's like some hellish version of hide and seek. This reality tears me in two....between wanting to date because there is actually a chance I'll find someone at some point....and not wanting to date because...well, because men.


Fun times.
-PJ
(@plainjanedating on twitter)


P.S. for fun, this was the best profile picture of the week. I just don't understand people (which is saying something considering the field I am in).

Ever since I have started online dating, I have seen things I can't unseen. The things I've read or heard from men have really been enough to lose faith in the whole of the male species. I really thought by now I'd heard it all. Submission, domination, fetishes, dick pics, proclamations of undying love, cuddle buddies and friends with benefits.... but this guy....

So this guy messages me, "How crazy are you?" So I think, oh boy, just another guy looking for another weird sexual something. And I go to his profile and sure enough....

Not looking for anything serious. That's cool. Not for me, but as the curious psychology driven, blogger I am intrigued. What exactly is crazy to this guy?
 (and yes, I realize this side of me is exactly why I have heard and seen it all and lost faith in dating and romance and love). So here is his answer.......



So...that's a new one.
And apparently, to him, kids are nothing serious. That's sightly frightening. I politely declined, but now I am sort of wishing I had held onto this conversation. Not because I am interested in having a baby with a random stranger who thinks kids are some casual thing...but because I'd love to know this baby daddy's plan. How do we raise this kid? Co-parenting? Do we share family events? And who pays for things? Split it down the middle, going halfsies? Do you just want to be a part-time daddy? Why do you even want kids? All good questions that I'd love to know the answers to. Mostly, I really just wonder why on earth he would go about having a kid this way, but I suppose it makes a kind of sense. It's certainly cheaper and faster than adoption or finding a surrogate. It is consensual and there is the added bonus of not having to be tied down in a marriage or relationship, cause it's just for funsies.

Now I really do think I've heard it all.

-PJ
(@plainjanedating)

So why can't all men do these small gestures of kindnesses.

-PJ

(@plainjanedating)

I've been unemployed for a while now, but I think I have found the perfect job: helping men with their profiles so that they don't scream at the very least, "very creepy" and at the most, "serial killer." I've received quite a few messages this week. The following are just a few of the best (re: worst). I will show you my talents of explaining what NOT to post in your profile and messages.

Here is one example:

Um....gosh, so much to say. Where to start? Where to start? How about I just say - no creepy face masks that make you look like a serial killer. I mean why? What was this guy thinking? This photo is sure to bring in the ladies? No, no it won't. Because it's creepy. And it makes me think you may just turn me into a skin suit. And ladies, if, by some complete lapse in judgment, you consider this guy, let me refer you to example two:















I blocked out his face out for privacy, but I'll tell you what he was doing. He was mirroring the creepy clown picture behind him. Yeah. That's just. Well, you know.



















So I would like to open this business and offer consulting for people on dating websites. I would almost do it for free because I almost feel sorry for this guy (and whomever he messages). He is never going to get a date with pictures like these. I guarantee it. But perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe there is a Ms. Creepy for this clown-loving-face-mask-wearing guy. Love comes in all forms I guess.

This business is not all about the pictures either. I would also like to help guys write their initial messages to a woman. I've gotten a lot of great examples this week. this first one is, I hope am sure is a typo. Because otherwise, it's just creepy.


Yes. That's it. The entire message. Did he forget to put "will?" As in, "I will find you" ??? (hello creepy!) Or maybe he was writing the message, accidentally hit send, realized his mistake and.... didn't write another message finishing his thought? Ummm.....let's just move on.







Of course I have gotten a few astrology sign messages in my day. They always give me a laugh.

I don't keep up on astrology, but I am pretty sure two Geminis dating is a recipe for disaster. Obliviously he doesn't know that. Or he does know and wants to give it the ol' college try. Perhaps we are destined to be greater than the fate that the astrological world predicts. Or something.





Then, of course, there is relocation and domestic partnership:



"Hi, I don't know you, but would you up and move your whole life for me so we can be wed and you can be my housewife? You'll never have to work again. I promise. There is just one catch. You'll have to live in the basement with these custom chains I had made just for you. They have, uh, diamonds on them. See? I promised you one ring, but I am so awesome I am going to give you two. Oh yes, and I forgot, its such a dangerous neighborhood, so I will, of course, be putting bars on the windows and locking the door. Its for your protection, you see." So, apparently this is not just a dating website, but a mail-order bride website. Or the start of a really bad serial killer movie. Please, please, please tell me no one actually falls for this???


This next one is my favorite.
Aside from boasting about his prince Albert piercing, it's mostly because it is so lazy and unimaginative. The guy basically copied his profile into his message. Not even all of it. These must be the tantalizing bits he thinks will win me over. Ravish and drain? I'm curious. If your imagination spreads so thin that you have to resort to copying and pasting your lines from profile to message, exactly how do you plan on ravishing me? I think it probably takes a bit of creativity; I mean to ravish and drain someone indicates some skill and skill in this arena usually indicates the ability to be creative. You aren't exactly exuberating confidence here. Oh, I get it. That's what Prince Albert is for. You're bad in bed and he makes up for it; does the heavy lifting. Got it.


Personally, I think I could make a fortune. Do you realize this is just a tiny sample of poor message/profiles in the vast space of online dating? I don't have any statistics, but I wager its a very high percentage of men that have something similar to one of these examples and, not surprisingly, they aren't attracting a lot of positive attention. It's like a profitable service for the individual man and a kind of community service for women everywhere.

Plain Jane's Guide to Online Dating is officially in business.

-PJ

One thing I have learned in the online world of dating is that time matters. As in, the time of day. In fact, Plenty of Fish notifies you when it's "rush hour" and that's typically when people get online...maximize the search results for people who are "online now." I get it. People want active users to connect with and get to know. As the evening wears on though, it really stops being about the person you are searching for to date and becomes all about the sexting. I realized this last night.

Here I was, just perusing the people who had looked at my profile and I get a message. So I open it, read it,  all three letters of it. "Hey" [super original, I know] and because I am trying to expand my horizons, I message back. The typical small talk ensues; quite literally it was only these two questions: "How are you?" and "how is your night going?"And then, it happens. "Do you have instant messenger or can I have your number to text?" Boom. That quickly (that might actually be a record). Since I don't really give out my number until I have established a person is worth a date, I alternatively suggest some sort of messenger.

And it becomes quite clear, quite quickly that this is one of the lonely guys (these people are quickly identifiable, I learned from Skout). My favorite line from this group of people: "I'm watching TV, alone, wish you were here" [cue the eye roll]. Said guy (lets call him Lonely Guy, LG for short) did in fact use that line. And how, exactly, am I to respond to that? "I want to be in bed with you too" [despite having "met" you ten minutes ago]. No. So I find a charming way to point out the obvious, you just met me [and really, I could be some old guy sitting in boxers and a wife beater who gets his rocks off talking to younger guys]. "I bet you say that to all the girls" is my only safe reply. And of course he does the "lol" thing and says no he doesn't say that to other girls [yeah...and Santa Clause is real, so is the tooth fairy and Easter bunny] and he knows we were just introduced, it's just that I am "so hot". [enter eye roll and heavy sigh] So what am I supposed to say to that? Thanks? That's sweet? He also asked my sign (no, I am not kidding. He is a Scorpio, in case you were wondering; I wasn't).

Guys, I tried. I really did. I tried to keep the conversation light and fluffy because despite his clear need to let off some....steam...his profile sounded decent and he is good looking. But it's "I want to kiss you" and "do you have a wild side" [I don't] and am I good girl, because I so innocent [another popular line, btw]. Oh, and he is a good guy too, but can be bad sometimes (wink wink). Am I ever naughty? And he wants to kiss me and.....bleep bleep bleep. And that's when I called it.

Me: "LG, I can appreciate where you are trying to go with this and why [ok, appreciate may not have been an accurate word], but I'm not going to be sexting with you tonight."
LG: "I'm just very attracted to you."
Me: "Well, I am glad to hear that [translation: I don't believe you]; I just wanted you to know that if you wanted this conversation to go in that direction, it wont be."
LG: "No worries"

Yeah. Sure. No worries. Because two seconds later our conversation ends. Lesson learned: no going onto the dating websites after 8:00 pm. The sexters emerge and it's not about connecting for a date in the future, it's about the horny, lonely people in the here and now. No thanks. I'll pass.

-PJ

Every once in a while I write something about safety. I read this article and thought it deserves a post.

Online Dating Has Created a New Type of Sexual Predator

"It's a tricky situation," says Scott Berkowitz, the president and founder of the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), echoing the NCA study's wariness about the potential danger in the "increased trust and intimacy" that can develop in online relationships—a little more than half the reported incidents began with communication that included "sexual content" before a face-to-face meeting.

I have learned you don't talk about sex before you meet. Even casually. A real gentleman will respect those boundaries without me even having to set them.

It's also important to always let someone else know you're going on a Tinder date in case something goes bad.

They say a TINDER date, I say EVERY date. Before I go on a date I write down the name and number of the person, where we are going and what time. And I always, always, tell someone about my date, and check in before and after it's over. And I usually try and do this for the first few dates because there is nothing stopping a sexual predator for waiting and luring you into trusting them before making their move. Guys always think this caution is silly, but as a woman, its essential.  Any guy who isn't okay with it never gets a date. If they aren't comfortable in making me feel safe, I don't want to date them.

I mock and joke about dick picks and sexualized conversation on here, but I take this stuff seriously if I am interested in meeting someone. So should anyone (guys included) when dating. It's just smart.

-PJ

I took a small hiatus from Skout, which was nice. And then I logged in. And bad messages happened. Of course I will share, don't worry.

My co-worker has joined the online world and the differences between the messages she receives and the ones I receive are like night and day. We compared messages. She gets creepy messages too, but they are more 'I want to love you forever' creepy and my are the 'overtly sexual' kind of creepy. The difference is the sites, of this I am sure. She is on match and I am on POF, okcupid and Skout. So, really it does matter which site you use; although I have never had success with match in a good way, and it's hard to justify spending a lot of money on something that has been consistently a bust.

Now that she is doing the OLD thing, we have a lot of conversations about dating. I've shared a few of the messages I get with my co-workers. If men only knew what a laugh my entire office gets when they message me...come to think of it, if men only knew what a laugh everyone on FB and on this blog gets....think it would deter them? Me either. Which is why this blog will exist until I get married, which, at this point.... well, you'll see.

And of course, who could read this blog and not feel satisfied without the messages that proposition me for sex or mentioning their penis? They are the classics. Can't deprive you of those.




[No. Just, no.][See above.]

I know I said I was taking a break. And I am. But two things have come across my desk that I wanted to share because they so relate to this OLD world. First, an appropriate 101 on sending dick pics (thanks to Elizabeth for sharing)

And then I ran across this gem of an article and I want to post it everywhere for all men to read. They won't, of course. They can't even read a short paragraph on a profile, but ah, a girl can dream.

How To Sext (full article here)

My favorite quotes:


"Start Small. Be gentle and a bit ambiguous at first, suggests Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess. Dr. Jess says some examples of great starters you could try may be:
See, a how-to guide right at their feet. And yet....I bet I will still get offers to see guy's nether regions because somehow they think that is sexy. It's not. Wait. Let me repeat that for anyone who might have missed it.  

IT'S NOT.

You know, they say women are mysteries....but the truth is men just don't listen when they should. Like. Right. Now. 

I am so sick of platitudes. Men telling me how (enter word here) I am. And it runs the gamut too.

Beautiful
Insanely beautiful
Sexy
Cute
Crazy pretty
Absolutely gorgeous
Utterly gorgeous
Really hot
a hot babe
Amazingly stunning
Absolutely stunning
"The Most beautiful girl I have seen on this application"
"You are so blessed with beauty and curves"
"Cute, sweet and beautiful."
"Most beautiful lady I have ever seen"
"Cuteness overload"
"Now I believe angels exist

I am sorry, but I am not the most beautiful woman in the world, nor am I the most beautiful woman you have ever seen - unless you have kept your eyes closed for the majority of your life. I am getting very annoyed at men who keep telling me things like this. It's not that I have low self-esteem. I don't question my beauty. I know men who tell me I am beautiful and I believe them. The key difference, I think, is those men are sincere and I can tell they are sincere. These other guys...not sincere. Most of them just want a blow job or a quickie. At the very least they want to see my breasts and show me their penis (which I do not want to see, contrary to what they think) and sext. My favorite one is how much they want to cuddle. With me, a complete stranger. Cause it's "so nice and comforting to just cuddle with someone" (who cares if you don't even know them). It's more like they believe wanting to cuddle is their ticket into my pants. It's not. I am increasingly frustrated how much of this I encounter on dating websites (yes, I am back on dating websites :( ). Where are the guys who just want a nice conversation to start and maybe a couple days of texting (note: not sexting) before setting up a date? Everyone is so quick to get my number and go out on a date with me. They don't even take the time to get to know me, even a little. Everything is so shallow and superficial. Including all the compliments.

This isn't even a good sarcastic blog - this is just the writings of a frustrated woman that does not want platitudes from every guy on their first or subsequent messages (overkill much?). If you genuinely believe I am beautiful, that's cool and much appreciated. But don't start out with any one of those above sentences. I would reply to a "hey" only message rather than a "you're stunningly gorgeous" message any day. The one word greeting seems more sincere than the fake compliment.

I am laying off the blog for a while. I am getting a lot of material for my mocking block, it's true, but I am really not in a place where it's funny. I am a little bitter at the moment and writing about all this just isn't fun (and that is how it should be on here). I'll be back. I am sure.

Until then,
-PJ

I am going to rant about men, cuddling, and sex. And pictures of penises. Multiple pictures.

And if that line sentence doesn't grab your attention, just wait until the last one.

I mentioned in another blog that I have noticed a trend in men lately - that trend being the increased comments that men love to "cuddle." On Skout I have had multiple people message me asking if I like to cuddle and they want to cuddle with me. On more appropriate websites (eharmony, match.com, okcupid), loving to cuddle is mentioned somewhere in the profile about 90% of the time. I spoke with two men about this, seeking out some male point of views. The first is from someone I met on okcupid and we have been talking (with actual real conversations, SHOCK!) for a couple weeks now. He is fairly intuitive and has a good handle on the views of society and himself. He says that I have noticed the trend because as I have gotten older, I am looking for men who have gotten older and as we age, our preferences change from just wanting physical sex and wanting more intimacy (i.e., cuddling) and that cuddling does not always equal sex. I don't entirely disagree with him. I think that is true of some older men, though I don't really know what age group that would be. I have not noticed the ages of everyone who has proposed cuddling or has it in their profile. I usually see ages 23-35. The other guy I talked to is in his late 20s and the only guy on Skout who is looking for friendship with no sexual undertones. Seriously. I found the one and only guy. So I asked him. And he said, "yeah, most guys use "cuddling" and sex synonymously. They obviously don't intend to merely cuddle. As such is the mentality of men. lol. I personally love to just cuddle........there probably aren't many men who do enjoy it just for cuddling," I think he sums it up well: guys use cuddling and sex synonymously. Stereotypically, women are the cuddlers, so if a guy's aim is sex, he just interchanges it with cuddling to reel in the woman. Mystery solved.

So, sometimes when I am bored I talk to people who message me on Skout. I am talking about the people who don't start out the conversation telling me I'm sooooo beautiful or they want to marry me or blah, blah, blah. Just the guys who say, "Hi" and don't appear to be pervs. Although I should underline appear, because sometimes they do end up being pervs. Can't win them all I guess. I also am chatting with Cuddle Buddy (a guy from one of my previous entries) cause he is actually pretty nice and we've had a couple good conversations. I chat with a guy from California as well because most of the time he is cool. With every conversation I have had this weel (incl. Cuddle Buddy and California), at some point they've shown me a picture of their penis. Why? Why? Why? Why? If I wanted to see it, I'd have asked. Last night California (28yrs old) said to me:

C: Mine was okay too. Nothing special. Now watching tv and wishing you were here [pardon me while I gag. what a line]
Me: Aw :-) What are you watching?
C: Game of Thrones
Me: Enjoying it?
C: yep yep.
Me: That's good :-)
C: I wouldn't mind being distracted from it though if you were here to cuddle with ;-) [roll eyes here]
Me: Lol, yes, it's too bad I am not
C: hmmm. What would we be doing sweetie?

And there it is. The fork in the road. I could make this go clean or dirty. Dirty is me saying we would be doing something sexual and I'd probably pull some scenario from one of the romance novels that Bananney has loaned me. I am 99.9% positive he'd send me a penis picture if I chose this road (a. because he before, and b. because all the guys want you to see how hard they are. I think it's a male pride thing). Or I could head in the cleaner direction and deflect the conversation to something safe. Which is what I did. Normally, I'd probably have gone the dirty way to see where it took me (well, I'd have meander about half way down that road until things got weird. I like social experiments until they get creepy; I do have limits). But after a couple of days of people being consistently creepy, I just couldn't take it anymore. So I replied, "Well, cuddling of course." That effectively ended the conversation (well, he gave an emoticon smile). Just like that, conversation over. Oh California. So, so predictable. Cuddle Buddy sent me a picture of his penis too and asked if I liked it. What am I supposed to say? No? It's a little small for my taste? Are you cold or something? Does it always hang to the left like that? Come on. Because of my annoyed state of mind, I did not answer him. This morning I asked him what his reaction would be if I said no. He laughed out loud and then said, "I would cry and call you a liar ;-)" So confident. He's lucky I am in a better mood, or else I would find some other remark that would burn a little and probably take a strike at his...manhood.

Here is the thing. I get that guys are horny and that sexting is a turn on and probably allows them a little material for their own...pleasure...but seriously. We are strangers. He would never show me his penis if we strangers and were face-to-face. That's a felony.

The Internet allows us to live dangerously. Anonymity bolsters confidence and lets us be whomever we want. He doesn't know if I am who I said I am. What if I am really a 16 year old girl who had some brilliant idea to try Skout out and sext with people? He could get in a world of trouble if that were the case and someone found out and reported it. I think this is more of a  guy thing, but my chatting buddy assures me women have texted him looking for sexting too. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I think body parts should stay in the pants until you're dating and have reached a point where both parties want to play show and tell. 

Anyway, Skout has been trying my patience a little. Guys think they are so smooth. They are not.

Agent Blue got two messages. The last one will leave you speechless. No. Seriously. It left me speechless.

Speechless. I know.


-PJ

I did it. I joined Skout. How could I not? How could I not take the opportunity to see what it was all about (and lets be honest...mock it)? Surprisingly, I have met a couple people and had decent conversations with them. Like nice, normal conversations. But onto the romance of Skout...I have been keeping a tally of all the locations people have messaged me from and their ages. The youngest is 20, the oldest 47. Quite a few Coloradians (as expected) and other areas include:

Texas, Nebraska, Arizona, West Virgina, Indiana, New Mexico, California, Missouri, Alabama, and  Minnesota...in the US. Outside of the US, Great Britain (4,677 mi), Urla, Turkey (6,230 mi), Tiwain (7,128 mi), Khyber-Pakhtunkwa (7,328 mi), Yanam, India (8,491mi), and Hat Yai, Thailand (8,806 mi). Why? Why would you even message someone so far away? Well, of course I asked someone...lets see, this guy is from... Khyber-Pakhtunkwa...and he says,"your beautiful smile bring me to talk to u. lol I mean i came on skout for soul mat search in west in white race. its my wish and dream...." so, mystery solved. He wants to find his soul mate and he is confident its a white girl who will take a chance on someone 7,000 miles away. Cause that's not at all creepy. He has high hopes, I think.

I've had one risque message to my picture. This isn't a family-rated blog, so on-lookers beware....even I had a jaw dropping moment after reading (although after Romeo the other day, I'm not sure why)...

Why would you say that to a complete stranger? Holy Hell. For background, he is here on a business trip and has a hotel room. He thought I might like to come over for a little tryst. How lovely huh? It gets even better because he messaged me twice, under two different names. He was kind enough to include a picture both times. Seriously. Do you hit on so many women that you can't remember if you talked to one already? I mean, really? And under two different names. That's just creepy.

Someone else messaged me in Spanish.  I am pretty sure it roughly translated into "Hi beautiful girl, how are you?" At least I hope that's what it translated into. My Spanish is rusty (and mostly consists of ingredients at Taco Bell), but it was a simple enough sentence. I think.

Agent Blue got a couple good ones today that are worth a mention:


This one is a keeper. I told Agent Blue to jump on this, but for some reason she deleted it. Huh. Weird.

It's hard to walk away from Skout. It's like looking at a car crash...it's so awful, but you just can't turn away. I find it fascinating. The things guys will say.... just blows my mind sometimes. Here is a thing: I have noticed a BIG trend at Skout (and even the regular dating websites now that I think of it) is that all the guys love cuddling now. I mean, all the profiles say, "I love to cuddle" or some variation of that. A guy on skout asked if I want to be his cuddle buddy....

You need a cuddle buddy?
lol. Is that like FWB only the benefits are cuddling?
Lol. Bingo. Ha ha.
Lol. That's what you are looking for on here. Cuddles?
Love a good cuddle and the warmth of a beautiful woman's body pressed tight up against mine. At 6'4 I make a great big spoon. lol.

Well, that's good to know. I'll make sure to file that away under "useless information guys say thinking it is smooth." Another guy asked me if I am a cuddler. Lol. That was his great opening line: "Are you a cuddler." He is from California, so unless we share a really big bed, that's just not going to work. Although he is also tall. And he was sure to mention that too. 6'5. So, sorry to 6'4...you were just beat out. I am only going for the really tall guys now.

I also got asked out on a date within 5 minutes of starting a conversation. That's a record for me. And considering this guy said, "Its nice to actually get a response" I am guessing he doesn't do so well with the ladies. Perhaps a little over eager.

Yes, it's all about the conversation here on Skout. I've called quite a few people out tonight:

"hello honey girl. Looking serious relationship.
And how does that work when you are six thousand miles away?
But I like you. 
You don't even know me. Liking me is impossible... very awkward silence...and no response).

At least it is entertaining. But by no means a viable option for actual dating. Maybe hooking up. Which seems wholly stupid of people to do. Just offer themselves so freely. I mean, this is a serial killer's paradise. Why don't you just stick the knife in yourself and call it a day? Sheesh.

Try as I might, I will never understand the Skout world. But it was an interesting experiment to say the least. Don't worry. It's not over. I am sure someone will send a gem of a message to either me or Agent Blue. And then we will pass it along to you.

Until then,
-PJ