Showing posts with label sexting. Show all posts

In June I was stood up by a guy multiple times (I was dumb enough, to give him more than one chance). And that hit me hard. It also happened to be just before my birthday (thanks jack-ass). So I decided it was time to let go of online dating, once again. To walk away for a while. I was getting increasingly bitter and guys were getting increasingly creeper. So I bowed out. I decided it was time to reconnect with myself. Go out into the world and meet people to really connect with (re: not date). Just experience life off-screen for a while. It's been two months.

Earlier this week I met a guy, a friend of a friend, while I was with my friend and her group of friends for trivia night. He talked to me like I was just a person, not some potential fuck-buddy. He showed interest in me as a person, not just my body as a toy. It was really enjoyable to have a conversation with him. And it really highlighted how warped my mind has become from OLD. It really cast a light on how much I missed and craved real conversation and genuine niceness. It showed me how much I distrust every single man who tries to make conversation with me through a dating app (whether appropriate or not) - that I suspect the motive of said person is to get inside my pants. And why wouldn't I distrust them? All you have to do is read previous entries and it sums up the whole of my online dating experience. Dick picks and inappropriate messages. Or twelve seconds getting to know me and then asking for full body pictures and wanting to sext. Why wouldn't my first thought be the suspicion that I am just a warm body to be objectified?

It's sad because I am sure that not all guys online are like that. My friend and her fiance met online. I know a couple people with good stories and real relationships who began online. But for whatever reason that has not been my experience and it is has really affected how I see the world (and myself).

I was talking to my therapist the other day about this and about my tendency to hate my own body. And she pointed out a very real and very valid truth. I objectify myself. And yes, it is true I can trace the beginning of me doing that back to high school; that's the foundation. In that way I fell victim to an objectifying society. But the self-hating statue that was built on that foundation can be directly linked back to online dating. Because I was treated as an object there. I became an object there. And despite knowing in myself that there are a lot of great qualities that make me a great person, I am still an object.

Online dating has changed in the last five years (I should know, having been in and out of this world for the last ten). It so much less about finding real connection right now and so much more about finding a hook up, that it's changed the industry. And it's a toxic place. Will I return? Probably one day if I don't find what I am looking for in the real world. But when I do return my goal is to know myself and love myself and not let one single dick pic or inappropriate message ever make me feel like I am nothing more but  a disposable thing again. Because if I don't have that....then no amount of hope for romance and love is worth it - it's not worth hating myself. And its not worth seeing the world through a lens of distrust.

Time to go find myself.
-PJ

Your profile, pictures, and messages are your introduction. And as the saying goes, the first impression counts...and that's a cliche for a reason. Because it's true. People may get to know you and change their opinion about you later on, but there will always be that initial impression; you simply can't un-see things and those things stay with you. Basic psychology. It never ceases to amaze me how people present themselves and makes me wonder exactly what some poor sap was thinking when they decided to put pen to paper (digitally, of course) and write things on their profile or in a message. This week has two particular memorable guys

Guy #1... (message to me)

Nothing crazy you know, just fraud and a gun charge.And really, whats so bad about that? Why do I need to go to prison?

Actually, I appreciate your candor; being upfront about some things is important, this being one of them. It's your lack of remorse that is troubling. And on an entirely different note, your lack of punctuation is annoying. How hard is it to use a period and comma? Come on.


Alright, so let's look at guy #2... (profile I came across)

Yep. That's right. This guy's profile was so risque that I had to redact almost the entire thing to post it here. It was......descriptive.

Although I do have to admit...he wasn't a bad writer. But probably the wrong forum for what basically amounts to written porn.





















I really want to ask both of these guys if either of their writings have actually successfully ended in a date. I certainly wasn't impressed. I did a face palmed a time or two though.

Here is my favorite pick-up line of the week:
"They say Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth. Well apparently no one has ever been standing next to you." 

I also learned a new term for online dating "GGG" this week. GGG apparently means "Good, Giving and Game." Being GGG means you're good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything. I wonder if Guy #2 considers himself GGG. If you read his profile, you'd certainly think so. Although, if you are reducing your profile down to explicit sex talk with no other discernible details about yourself... perhaps you are lacking in the GGG department. Or the personality department.

Online dating. As awesome as ever.
-PJ

(twitter: @plainjanedating)

I've been unemployed for a while now, but I think I have found the perfect job: helping men with their profiles so that they don't scream at the very least, "very creepy" and at the most, "serial killer." I've received quite a few messages this week. The following are just a few of the best (re: worst). I will show you my talents of explaining what NOT to post in your profile and messages.

Here is one example:

Um....gosh, so much to say. Where to start? Where to start? How about I just say - no creepy face masks that make you look like a serial killer. I mean why? What was this guy thinking? This photo is sure to bring in the ladies? No, no it won't. Because it's creepy. And it makes me think you may just turn me into a skin suit. And ladies, if, by some complete lapse in judgment, you consider this guy, let me refer you to example two:















I blocked out his face out for privacy, but I'll tell you what he was doing. He was mirroring the creepy clown picture behind him. Yeah. That's just. Well, you know.



















So I would like to open this business and offer consulting for people on dating websites. I would almost do it for free because I almost feel sorry for this guy (and whomever he messages). He is never going to get a date with pictures like these. I guarantee it. But perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe there is a Ms. Creepy for this clown-loving-face-mask-wearing guy. Love comes in all forms I guess.

This business is not all about the pictures either. I would also like to help guys write their initial messages to a woman. I've gotten a lot of great examples this week. this first one is, I hope am sure is a typo. Because otherwise, it's just creepy.


Yes. That's it. The entire message. Did he forget to put "will?" As in, "I will find you" ??? (hello creepy!) Or maybe he was writing the message, accidentally hit send, realized his mistake and.... didn't write another message finishing his thought? Ummm.....let's just move on.







Of course I have gotten a few astrology sign messages in my day. They always give me a laugh.

I don't keep up on astrology, but I am pretty sure two Geminis dating is a recipe for disaster. Obliviously he doesn't know that. Or he does know and wants to give it the ol' college try. Perhaps we are destined to be greater than the fate that the astrological world predicts. Or something.





Then, of course, there is relocation and domestic partnership:



"Hi, I don't know you, but would you up and move your whole life for me so we can be wed and you can be my housewife? You'll never have to work again. I promise. There is just one catch. You'll have to live in the basement with these custom chains I had made just for you. They have, uh, diamonds on them. See? I promised you one ring, but I am so awesome I am going to give you two. Oh yes, and I forgot, its such a dangerous neighborhood, so I will, of course, be putting bars on the windows and locking the door. Its for your protection, you see." So, apparently this is not just a dating website, but a mail-order bride website. Or the start of a really bad serial killer movie. Please, please, please tell me no one actually falls for this???


This next one is my favorite.
Aside from boasting about his prince Albert piercing, it's mostly because it is so lazy and unimaginative. The guy basically copied his profile into his message. Not even all of it. These must be the tantalizing bits he thinks will win me over. Ravish and drain? I'm curious. If your imagination spreads so thin that you have to resort to copying and pasting your lines from profile to message, exactly how do you plan on ravishing me? I think it probably takes a bit of creativity; I mean to ravish and drain someone indicates some skill and skill in this arena usually indicates the ability to be creative. You aren't exactly exuberating confidence here. Oh, I get it. That's what Prince Albert is for. You're bad in bed and he makes up for it; does the heavy lifting. Got it.


Personally, I think I could make a fortune. Do you realize this is just a tiny sample of poor message/profiles in the vast space of online dating? I don't have any statistics, but I wager its a very high percentage of men that have something similar to one of these examples and, not surprisingly, they aren't attracting a lot of positive attention. It's like a profitable service for the individual man and a kind of community service for women everywhere.

Plain Jane's Guide to Online Dating is officially in business.

-PJ

One thing I have learned in the online world of dating is that time matters. As in, the time of day. In fact, Plenty of Fish notifies you when it's "rush hour" and that's typically when people get online...maximize the search results for people who are "online now." I get it. People want active users to connect with and get to know. As the evening wears on though, it really stops being about the person you are searching for to date and becomes all about the sexting. I realized this last night.

Here I was, just perusing the people who had looked at my profile and I get a message. So I open it, read it,  all three letters of it. "Hey" [super original, I know] and because I am trying to expand my horizons, I message back. The typical small talk ensues; quite literally it was only these two questions: "How are you?" and "how is your night going?"And then, it happens. "Do you have instant messenger or can I have your number to text?" Boom. That quickly (that might actually be a record). Since I don't really give out my number until I have established a person is worth a date, I alternatively suggest some sort of messenger.

And it becomes quite clear, quite quickly that this is one of the lonely guys (these people are quickly identifiable, I learned from Skout). My favorite line from this group of people: "I'm watching TV, alone, wish you were here" [cue the eye roll]. Said guy (lets call him Lonely Guy, LG for short) did in fact use that line. And how, exactly, am I to respond to that? "I want to be in bed with you too" [despite having "met" you ten minutes ago]. No. So I find a charming way to point out the obvious, you just met me [and really, I could be some old guy sitting in boxers and a wife beater who gets his rocks off talking to younger guys]. "I bet you say that to all the girls" is my only safe reply. And of course he does the "lol" thing and says no he doesn't say that to other girls [yeah...and Santa Clause is real, so is the tooth fairy and Easter bunny] and he knows we were just introduced, it's just that I am "so hot". [enter eye roll and heavy sigh] So what am I supposed to say to that? Thanks? That's sweet? He also asked my sign (no, I am not kidding. He is a Scorpio, in case you were wondering; I wasn't).

Guys, I tried. I really did. I tried to keep the conversation light and fluffy because despite his clear need to let off some....steam...his profile sounded decent and he is good looking. But it's "I want to kiss you" and "do you have a wild side" [I don't] and am I good girl, because I so innocent [another popular line, btw]. Oh, and he is a good guy too, but can be bad sometimes (wink wink). Am I ever naughty? And he wants to kiss me and.....bleep bleep bleep. And that's when I called it.

Me: "LG, I can appreciate where you are trying to go with this and why [ok, appreciate may not have been an accurate word], but I'm not going to be sexting with you tonight."
LG: "I'm just very attracted to you."
Me: "Well, I am glad to hear that [translation: I don't believe you]; I just wanted you to know that if you wanted this conversation to go in that direction, it wont be."
LG: "No worries"

Yeah. Sure. No worries. Because two seconds later our conversation ends. Lesson learned: no going onto the dating websites after 8:00 pm. The sexters emerge and it's not about connecting for a date in the future, it's about the horny, lonely people in the here and now. No thanks. I'll pass.

-PJ

Every once in a while I write something about safety. I read this article and thought it deserves a post.

Online Dating Has Created a New Type of Sexual Predator

"It's a tricky situation," says Scott Berkowitz, the president and founder of the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), echoing the NCA study's wariness about the potential danger in the "increased trust and intimacy" that can develop in online relationships—a little more than half the reported incidents began with communication that included "sexual content" before a face-to-face meeting.

I have learned you don't talk about sex before you meet. Even casually. A real gentleman will respect those boundaries without me even having to set them.

It's also important to always let someone else know you're going on a Tinder date in case something goes bad.

They say a TINDER date, I say EVERY date. Before I go on a date I write down the name and number of the person, where we are going and what time. And I always, always, tell someone about my date, and check in before and after it's over. And I usually try and do this for the first few dates because there is nothing stopping a sexual predator for waiting and luring you into trusting them before making their move. Guys always think this caution is silly, but as a woman, its essential.  Any guy who isn't okay with it never gets a date. If they aren't comfortable in making me feel safe, I don't want to date them.

I mock and joke about dick picks and sexualized conversation on here, but I take this stuff seriously if I am interested in meeting someone. So should anyone (guys included) when dating. It's just smart.

-PJ

I took a small hiatus from Skout, which was nice. And then I logged in. And bad messages happened. Of course I will share, don't worry.

My co-worker has joined the online world and the differences between the messages she receives and the ones I receive are like night and day. We compared messages. She gets creepy messages too, but they are more 'I want to love you forever' creepy and my are the 'overtly sexual' kind of creepy. The difference is the sites, of this I am sure. She is on match and I am on POF, okcupid and Skout. So, really it does matter which site you use; although I have never had success with match in a good way, and it's hard to justify spending a lot of money on something that has been consistently a bust.

Now that she is doing the OLD thing, we have a lot of conversations about dating. I've shared a few of the messages I get with my co-workers. If men only knew what a laugh my entire office gets when they message me...come to think of it, if men only knew what a laugh everyone on FB and on this blog gets....think it would deter them? Me either. Which is why this blog will exist until I get married, which, at this point.... well, you'll see.

And of course, who could read this blog and not feel satisfied without the messages that proposition me for sex or mentioning their penis? They are the classics. Can't deprive you of those.




[No. Just, no.][See above.]

I am going to go on two rants tonight (and of course share some pictures, because what would this blog be without those treasures?).

Rant One: Communication. I have said this all before, but I am continually surprised by how little people communicate properly. I am talking with a couple of guys and it's me asking the questions and them answering the question and then....nothing. That's it. So then I have to ask another question, same thing, and then another question... It's a never ending cycle. 1.) This is not an interview. 2.) If you don't make an attempt to get to know me, how are you going to know if we are compatible? Am I no more than a pretty face? Now before you go on saying that's just how guys are, let me tell you this: I know guys who can carry on a reciprocal conversation quite easily, so it's not just the gender itself (and stop stereotyping!). Are they lazy? Do they just not care about the answers? It's incredibly annoying. And oh so common. I am sad to say.

End rant One.

Rant Two: I recently read this article from NBC News story Meet the Woman Behind 'Perv Magnet,' a Project Documenting Online Harassment. The story is interesting enough (and lets women everywhere know that they are not alone!). Admittedly, I would not have taken it as far as her, posting who they really are, name and picture. I, at least, keep a little confidentiality. I mean, they are still creepy assholes, but still, I feel its only right. But I think I like the article because it is FINALLY shedding some light onto a subject nobody talks about: Social media and harassment. Because that really what it is, if you have to give it a name. Sending a penis picture or talking about your penis is, in effect, a form of sexual harassment. I don't ask for it, I don't want to know about your penis and I definitely don't want to see your penis.  I am just saying. Really, though, it was the comments on FB that made me annoyed enough to rant about it.

"Quit attention whoring babe... U aint all that and it aint made outa gold either... Lol. You really saved 10 years worth of messages from the internet to make yourself feel "in demand"??most people i know would have deletes,ignored and moved on Someone needs to get a life.." I won't even comment on the grammar (as I shudder reading it). It's not about feeling "in demand" or needing a life. It's about showing a side of the social media culture that women have to deal with and making people AWARE.

"Men are wired with sex as #1 priority. Women should understand this & manage THEMSELVES appropriately. Doing a study that proves men are sex fiends means nothing. Most people already know this. There are men everywhere to observe. Is not a secret." Men are wired with sex as a #1 priority? Oh please. So they should get to say whatever sexual comment they want, whenever they want it? I don't think so. You wouldn't let a guy walk up to you and say something wildly sexual or touch your breasts in any other social setting would you? No, because its inappropriate. But according to you, they should be allowed because sex is their #1 priority and that's just how they are. Idiot.

"Here's a thought... If you're going to be offended by pervy comments, DON'T post pics of yourself in your undergarments for all to see" My problem with this comment is that it puts all the responsibility of these inappropriate messages on the girl and her alone. She should be able to post whatever photo she likes without fearing guys will be disgusting pigs about it. Men DO have the ability to NOT say pervy things to a woman just because her picture is provocative. They CHOOSE to say such comments. They make the intentional effort to write out a message (or enclose a dick pic). Should they not have to take responsibility for their actions just because they have dicks and "sex is their number one priority?" F that! It might not be wise for a woman to post a picture in their underwear, but it doesn't mean that they should be subjected to sexually explicit messages that they didn't ask for. That's like saying a woman who wears a shorter dress deserves to be raped - they were asking for it. It's ridiculous.

"I'm lucky guys don't find me attractive lol oh wait....maybe it's also cause I don't dress and show myself off? yeaa...could be that too" Again, see my above comment.

There were tons more comments that I rolled my eyes at (or got downright angry at!). But I think I will just prove my point in my own way. First of all, let me say I have NO pictures on any of my profiles in which I am in just my underwear or not fully clothed. I have nothing provocative in pictures or on my profile that could be construed as suggestive in any way. And I still get these messages. It isn't because she wore skimpy clothes or is in her bra or whatever. It just happens. Regardless. And men, you too should be offended because people are summing up your gender as a bunch of pervy men that just can't help themselves! Like you have no self-restraint or manners. And women, they are basically suggesting we should just let it go because "that's how men are." The worst argument I have ever heard for men showing a woman pictures of their penis or writing sexually aggressive messages to them. Seriously!

But let me show you a few that I've gotten over the last few weeks:

And that's just a few. I'm holding back the rest for another blog. It's everywhere. I make a lot of jokes about it on this blog, but the truth is, its not only disrespectful and gross, but in some cases it really is sexual harassment. It is a real problem on social media, only that people not only don't take seriously, but write off as "normal" behavior for men! That, perhaps, is what is the most disgusting, more so than the messages themselves; it's the attitude about them.


Until next time,
PJ

I know I said I was taking a break. And I am. But two things have come across my desk that I wanted to share because they so relate to this OLD world. First, an appropriate 101 on sending dick pics (thanks to Elizabeth for sharing)

And then I ran across this gem of an article and I want to post it everywhere for all men to read. They won't, of course. They can't even read a short paragraph on a profile, but ah, a girl can dream.

How To Sext (full article here)

My favorite quotes:


"Start Small. Be gentle and a bit ambiguous at first, suggests Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess. Dr. Jess says some examples of great starters you could try may be:
See, a how-to guide right at their feet. And yet....I bet I will still get offers to see guy's nether regions because somehow they think that is sexy. It's not. Wait. Let me repeat that for anyone who might have missed it.  

IT'S NOT.

You know, they say women are mysteries....but the truth is men just don't listen when they should. Like. Right. Now. 

I am so sick of platitudes. Men telling me how (enter word here) I am. And it runs the gamut too.

Beautiful
Insanely beautiful
Sexy
Cute
Crazy pretty
Absolutely gorgeous
Utterly gorgeous
Really hot
a hot babe
Amazingly stunning
Absolutely stunning
"The Most beautiful girl I have seen on this application"
"You are so blessed with beauty and curves"
"Cute, sweet and beautiful."
"Most beautiful lady I have ever seen"
"Cuteness overload"
"Now I believe angels exist

I am sorry, but I am not the most beautiful woman in the world, nor am I the most beautiful woman you have ever seen - unless you have kept your eyes closed for the majority of your life. I am getting very annoyed at men who keep telling me things like this. It's not that I have low self-esteem. I don't question my beauty. I know men who tell me I am beautiful and I believe them. The key difference, I think, is those men are sincere and I can tell they are sincere. These other guys...not sincere. Most of them just want a blow job or a quickie. At the very least they want to see my breasts and show me their penis (which I do not want to see, contrary to what they think) and sext. My favorite one is how much they want to cuddle. With me, a complete stranger. Cause it's "so nice and comforting to just cuddle with someone" (who cares if you don't even know them). It's more like they believe wanting to cuddle is their ticket into my pants. It's not. I am increasingly frustrated how much of this I encounter on dating websites (yes, I am back on dating websites :( ). Where are the guys who just want a nice conversation to start and maybe a couple days of texting (note: not sexting) before setting up a date? Everyone is so quick to get my number and go out on a date with me. They don't even take the time to get to know me, even a little. Everything is so shallow and superficial. Including all the compliments.

This isn't even a good sarcastic blog - this is just the writings of a frustrated woman that does not want platitudes from every guy on their first or subsequent messages (overkill much?). If you genuinely believe I am beautiful, that's cool and much appreciated. But don't start out with any one of those above sentences. I would reply to a "hey" only message rather than a "you're stunningly gorgeous" message any day. The one word greeting seems more sincere than the fake compliment.

I am laying off the blog for a while. I am getting a lot of material for my mocking block, it's true, but I am really not in a place where it's funny. I am a little bitter at the moment and writing about all this just isn't fun (and that is how it should be on here). I'll be back. I am sure.

Until then,
-PJ

Skout is never disappointing. Well, let me re-phrase. Skout never disappoints to give me material for the mocking block. It does, however, make me disappointed in men. But I suppose Skout isn't to blame for that. Men are.