There is this genuinely good guy I've wanted to date for four years (He is known, in some circles, as the Greek God; you know I like a good nickname). Ironically, I met him on Skout. You'll understand the irony once you read further...excerpts from a "reputable" dating website I have been on these days. If you look back at my previous entries, you'll note Skout has been one of those creepy dating apps with dick pics and dying declarations of love. However, these days, it's Plenty of Fish that's making me regret considering the male species suitable for a love connection. Or hell, a human connection.
It's all about the sex, it seems. Not that this is news on an online dating site, it just seems to be nothing but these days. I swear every guy has wanted to see five pictures, in addition to the 6 they already get to see on my profile. My hips, butt (uh..."booty"), and me in underwear are the most popular. And the second I say no, it's some lame excuse and then they are never heard from again. The same is true of guys who have told me they want me to come over and cuddle and "watch a movie." How stupid do I look? So I suggest a first date of dinner or drinks first (its that whole safety and getting to know someone first thing). "Oh yeah, well we could totally do dinner first. I am just super busy with work, so I might not be able to for a while..." Oh yeah, but when sex was involved it was like, "anytime works for me babe." Yeah. Real subtle.
Of course I still get the weird ones:
(he never did answer)
And the 'oh so obvious' nonchalant attempts...
(I got the shtick after the second question; these are the questions for the perfect date. With sex. He never replied
Yeah. Just yeah.
Oh, and of course, to nicely round of my day...
.... to which I responded with something like, "do women really response to that?" His response? Like what? and so....
So before I can even see the message, come up with a good retort, the inevitable dick pic request comes. The next message I didn't take a screen shot of because I said, "no, I am not interested." And like any reasonable person, I thought that was enough. But no....two days ago he messages again and says.....
Unfortunately for me, knowing The Greek God and knowing the handful of guys that I do (both online and IRL), I know that there are good men out there. Kind, caring, compassionate decent, likeable. And I am not saying sex isn't on their mind, but its not the first thing and it isn't so....blatant. I am not quite sure why they are hiding from me. Why these jackasses keep finding me. It's like some hellish version of hide and seek. This reality tears me in two....between wanting to date because there is actually a chance I'll find someone at some point....and not wanting to date because...well, because men.
Fun times.
-PJ
(@plainjanedating on twitter)
P.S. for fun, this was the best profile picture of the week. I just don't understand people (which is saying something considering the field I am in).
Ever since I have started online dating, I have seen things I can't unseen. The things I've read or heard from men have really been enough to lose faith in the whole of the male species. I really thought by now I'd heard it all. Submission, domination, fetishes, dick pics, proclamations of undying love, cuddle buddies and friends with benefits.... but this guy....
So this guy messages me, "How crazy are you?" So I think, oh boy, just another guy looking for another weird sexual something. And I go to his profile and sure enough....
(and yes, I realize this side of me is exactly why I have heard and seen it all and lost faith in dating and romance and love). So here is his answer.......
So...that's a new one.
And apparently, to him, kids are nothing serious. That's sightly frightening. I politely declined, but now I am sort of wishing I had held onto this conversation. Not because I am interested in having a baby with a random stranger who thinks kids are some casual thing...but because I'd love to know this baby daddy's plan. How do we raise this kid? Co-parenting? Do we share family events? And who pays for things? Split it down the middle, going halfsies? Do you just want to be a part-time daddy? Why do you even want kids? All good questions that I'd love to know the answers to. Mostly, I really just wonder why on earth he would go about having a kid this way, but I suppose it makes a kind of sense. It's certainly cheaper and faster than adoption or finding a surrogate. It is consensual and there is the added bonus of not having to be tied down in a marriage or relationship, cause it's just for funsies.
Now I really do think I've heard it all.
-PJ
(@plainjanedating)
It's been a while since I have dated. It's been a while since I have wanted to. Just read any of my previous blogs and you'll understand why. It's not exactly a mystery. What is a mystery is where have all the good guys gone? The ones who will just have a conversation with you about normal, non-sex related things. I swear they were out there...at some point. Now? I am beginning to wonder if they were only a figment of my wishful imagination.
One thing has changed since my last blog post in May. Now, instead of guys asking if you want to see their dick, they ask if you want to see their "naughty." No. I am not joking. Four people in the past four days (three of them today alone) asked me if I wanted to see their naughty. It's a silly name, like saying it that way makes it more acceptable? But the question alone still mystifies me. Why would I want to see your dick? Why? You've see one, you've seen them all. I understand a guy's penis is solidly tied to his ego and in order to be successful in the dating world that ego needs to be stroked (oh God, no pun intended), but that does not mean I need to actually see your dick. Or stroke it for that matter. But that's another blog for another time.
Today I had a very long day of talking to men from POF. A lot of insecure men. Like when I went to dinner and this guy got all pissy that I didn't talk to him for two hours. High maintenance anyone? Or the one who saw my full body picture, told me I had a big butt (a risky statement - that could go either way) and that he liked it (although the picture of my full body in no way actually shows my butt, so....) and then when I didn't answer him (because I'd been sleeping... shocking, how we women like to sleep), he got all mad because he assumed I was mad about the big butt comment. I didn't care either way, but thank you for removing yourself from my list by being oh-so-dramatic about your own comment about MY butt. Seriously.
I made the choice to start dating again....I thought I was ready to be back online. I must have repressed all the drama because I swear it wasn't like this last time around. The dick pic thing, yes, but the drama of these boys....wtf? Four days in and already I want out.
That can't be a good sign.
-PJ
(@plainjanedating
You know when they say be open to the universe and it will
provide? Well, what they don’t tell you is what
they provide. I’ve had a stream of bad lately. Like, every guy who messages me
is….creepy. there is no other word to describe them. I know the good guys
exist; I have heard about them, but they seem to be like unicorns – pretty to
look at and imaginary. FML.
Here is the thing. I don’t think that within the first week
you should be asking for body pictures (clothed or otherwise). Last night I had
this guy tell me he loved my curves (I have a fully clothed, picture of myself
on my profile because I’m not skinny and I certainly don’t want to mislead
anyone). That’s nice, I think to myself, and then….”can you take more pictures
of your body?” – enter face palm here – Come on. Why? Why make it like that not
even ten minutes after we start talking? You had potential (well, he was 5’2,
so he had some potential; I’d like to
say I am not shallow, but I also know height matters to me). Why go and ruin a
perfectly good conversation by asking me for more body shots? (And ps, he just
messaged me, “hey sexy.” *eye roll*)
I was thinking about the conundrum the other day and I have realized that it all about being a gentleman. People believe they are nice gentlemen (note to self, look up "gentlemen" and research it); they say they are a gentleman because they open doors and walk you to the car, and buy you dinner (and an End Game guy might have flowers or chocolates too). Well you know? All of that IS nice. But that it.........That's just nice. My 4 years old nephew has these habits. Its not hard.
So why can't all men do these small gestures of kindnesses.I was thinking about the conundrum the other day and I have realized that it all about being a gentleman. People believe they are nice gentlemen (note to self, look up "gentlemen" and research it); they say they are a gentleman because they open doors and walk you to the car, and buy you dinner (and an End Game guy might have flowers or chocolates too). Well you know? All of that IS nice. But that it.........That's just nice. My 4 years old nephew has these habits. Its not hard.
Yesterday I had a poor guy tell me (when I asked what he
liked to do for fun) that he likes NFL games and hopefully I would too (I
wouldn’t) and he liked playing Call of Duty, but he would stop if I didn’t like
that. I went back and read his profile a little bit closer. Poor guy. It reads
like he has gone through a lot of rejection and has lost all sense of self. And
that made me sad because that happened to me once upon a time and it’s not a
good place to be. So I messaged him back and told him (as nicely as I could,
because this really was coming from the heart) that he shouldn’t apologize for
who he is, what he likes, and he shouldn’t change and mold himself to be
whatever a woman wants him to be. He said thanks for being honest. That guy is
going to be some girl’s doormat all of this life.
-PJ(@plainjanedating)
One thing I have learned in the online world of dating is that time matters. As in, the time of day. In fact, Plenty of Fish notifies you when it's "rush hour" and that's typically when people get online...maximize the search results for people who are "online now." I get it. People want active users to connect with and get to know. As the evening wears on though, it really stops being about the person you are searching for to date and becomes all about the sexting. I realized this last night.
Here I was, just perusing the people who had looked at my profile and I get a message. So I open it, read it, all three letters of it. "Hey" [super original, I know] and because I am trying to expand my horizons, I message back. The typical small talk ensues; quite literally it was only these two questions: "How are you?" and "how is your night going?"And then, it happens. "Do you have instant messenger or can I have your number to text?" Boom. That quickly (that might actually be a record). Since I don't really give out my number until I have established a person is worth a date, I alternatively suggest some sort of messenger.
And it becomes quite clear, quite quickly that this is one of the lonely guys (these people are quickly identifiable, I learned from Skout). My favorite line from this group of people: "I'm watching TV, alone, wish you were here" [cue the eye roll]. Said guy (lets call him Lonely Guy, LG for short) did in fact use that line. And how, exactly, am I to respond to that? "I want to be in bed with you too" [despite having "met" you ten minutes ago]. No. So I find a charming way to point out the obvious, you just met me [and really, I could be some old guy sitting in boxers and a wife beater who gets his rocks off talking to younger guys]. "I bet you say that to all the girls" is my only safe reply. And of course he does the "lol" thing and says no he doesn't say that to other girls [yeah...and Santa Clause is real, so is the tooth fairy and Easter bunny] and he knows we were just introduced, it's just that I am "so hot". [enter eye roll and heavy sigh] So what am I supposed to say to that? Thanks? That's sweet? He also asked my sign (no, I am not kidding. He is a Scorpio, in case you were wondering; I wasn't).
Guys, I tried. I really did. I tried to keep the conversation light and fluffy because despite his clear need to let off some....steam...his profile sounded decent and he is good looking. But it's "I want to kiss you" and "do you have a wild side" [I don't] and am I good girl, because I so innocent [another popular line, btw]. Oh, and he is a good guy too, but can be bad sometimes (wink wink). Am I ever naughty? And he wants to kiss me and.....bleep bleep bleep. And that's when I called it.
Me: "LG, I can appreciate where you are trying to go with this and why [ok, appreciate may not have been an accurate word], but I'm not going to be sexting with you tonight."
LG: "I'm just very attracted to you."
Me: "Well, I am glad to hear that [translation: I don't believe you]; I just wanted you to know that if you wanted this conversation to go in that direction, it wont be."
LG: "No worries"
Yeah. Sure. No worries. Because two seconds later our conversation ends. Lesson learned: no going onto the dating websites after 8:00 pm. The sexters emerge and it's not about connecting for a date in the future, it's about the horny, lonely people in the here and now. No thanks. I'll pass.
-PJ
Well... I am back. Back into this crazy world we call Online Dating (sigh). My time away was lovely. So was the guy I was dating. But alas, it was not meant to be and after the breakup I took a hiatus from dating altogether. I promised myself I'd get back out there once I no longer felt like gouging my eyes out at the mere thought of jumping back into this world we know as OLD (aka the seventh circle of hell). And so after a brief sabbatical from dating here we are. Again.
I reinstated my okcupid profile. Within a day I found myself inundated with emails. You know the kind, all the originality of the color white...almost like a snowstorm...individually some had a little uniqueness and potential, but together they all made a blizzard of "your smile is so gorgeous." It almost makes me think of those cute little yellow minions...without the cuteness.
Here is what I have noticed since I was online last (about 18 months ago). Everyone over 30 seem to have children.I don't inherently think this is a bad thing because I love kids. But I dated a guy with kids and its an entirely different kind of dating. I have also noticed that drugs are no longer quite as common (except marijuana...which is still a drug people!). This has been a pleasant surprise. Drinking seems to be less of a thing too. So apparently in the space of 18 months, men appear to have matured. Appeared to.
Jumping back into OLD has also been a little overwhelming. I am keeping up with ten different conversations and ten potential dates (and when do I have time to schedule in ten dates???). The weeding process is not thinning people out as well as it once has because, well, like I said...guys are starting act their age. Theoretically, this fact should make me more at ease with the dating world. It has not.
So the big question is...will I have many stories to tell on here or will everyone be good enough to miss making it onto the mocking block? Yikes! I will say that the level to which everyone comments about my smile is starting to annoy. I know its a compliment and I shouldn't grumble and for the most part I am not. But seriously, no originality. Don't worry, it won't be counted against them; indeed there are more points to the guy who mentions something else....above the chest. I have many features worth commenting about. My eyes, my hair...my...earlobes? Whatever, my point is I am more than my smile and it would be nice for someone else to know that too. Place themselves apart from the minions, apart from just another face in the crowd.
So that's it for today. I would like to say I'll write again soon, but it may be difficult to do with a lack of material. Although I am sure one visit to Skout would change that in a second. A nanosecond probably.
Date on my friends,
Plain Jane
P.S. I am not on twitter: @plainjanedating