In June I was stood up by a guy multiple times (I was dumb enough, to give him more than one chance). And that hit me hard. It also happened to be just before my birthday (thanks jack-ass). So I decided it was time to let go of online dating, once again. To walk away for a while. I was getting increasingly bitter and guys were getting increasingly creeper. So I bowed out. I decided it was time to reconnect with myself. Go out into the world and meet people to really connect with (re: not date). Just experience life off-screen for a while. It's been two months.
Earlier this week I met a guy, a friend of a friend, while I was with my friend and her group of friends for trivia night. He talked to me like I was just a person, not some potential fuck-buddy. He showed interest in me as a person, not just my body as a toy. It was really enjoyable to have a conversation with him. And it really highlighted how warped my mind has become from OLD. It really cast a light on how much I missed and craved real conversation and genuine niceness. It showed me how much I distrust every single man who tries to make conversation with me through a dating app (whether appropriate or not) - that I suspect the motive of said person is to get inside my pants. And why wouldn't I distrust them? All you have to do is read previous entries and it sums up the whole of my online dating experience. Dick picks and inappropriate messages. Or twelve seconds getting to know me and then asking for full body pictures and wanting to sext. Why wouldn't my first thought be the suspicion that I am just a warm body to be objectified?
It's sad because I am sure that not all guys online are like that. My friend and her fiance met online. I know a couple people with good stories and real relationships who began online. But for whatever reason that has not been my experience and it is has really affected how I see the world (and myself).
I was talking to my therapist the other day about this and about my tendency to hate my own body. And she pointed out a very real and very valid truth. I objectify myself. And yes, it is true I can trace the beginning of me doing that back to high school; that's the foundation. In that way I fell victim to an objectifying society. But the self-hating statue that was built on that foundation can be directly linked back to online dating. Because I was treated as an object there. I became an object there. And despite knowing in myself that there are a lot of great qualities that make me a great person, I am still an object.
Online dating has changed in the last five years (I should know, having been in and out of this world for the last ten). It so much less about finding real connection right now and so much more about finding a hook up, that it's changed the industry. And it's a toxic place. Will I return? Probably one day if I don't find what I am looking for in the real world. But when I do return my goal is to know myself and love myself and not let one single dick pic or inappropriate message ever make me feel like I am nothing more but a disposable thing again. Because if I don't have that....then no amount of hope for romance and love is worth it - it's not worth hating myself. And its not worth seeing the world through a lens of distrust.
Time to go find myself.
-PJ
My online dating has been going in waves lately. For a few days I'll get a lot of messages and then nothing but crickets for a while. If I post a new picture, it'll attract some interest, but then things will die down....but its never normal interest you know? It's weird. Or gross. Always.
Exhibit A:
*Sigh* Yes, please just ignore my attempt at conversation so that you can highlight that you are naked. Let me guess....you want me to comment on your nakedness.
Exhibit B:
I do, in fact, have snapchat. I am not stupid enough to tell men that because all they want is photos of you. Usually naked. It took me very little time to realize this. So now I lie. Good thing too or some guy would be using my pictures to jerk off.....oh wait.
Exhibit C:
First of all....why would a woman lie about that? If a woman wants to draw attention to her chest size, she takes a selfie of her chest, she doesn't lie about being fat. Idiot.
Second...he asked me if I liked wrestlers and I said sure. Silly me, why didn't I realize right away wrestling was a euphemism for sex.
For Heaven's sake. Really?
I ask myself repeatedly what I did to deserve such bad dating karma....I don't know. Maybe I murdered a husband in a previous life. I am not sure why else I repeatedly get people who act like this straight out of the gate. This can't be normal. Not three messages in one 24 hour period. And of course, for those of you who know me or follow this, you know these kind of guys, these messages, are common for me. I must have gotten sucked into some dating hell vortex.
Where is the basic respect? Common decency? It can't be missing from the entirety of the male species? So why on Earth do I seem to only attract the ones who are like, "wanna sit on my face?" (yeah, that happened). Why do I keep getting the guys who make these comments ten seconds in? Or even a few conversations in. Why can I not get that respectful guy who just wants to take me out on a date and get to know me? I thought that is how dating is supposed to work.
If you sense a tone of frustration and anger in my writing instead of my usual witty sarcasm, you'd be right....because I am frustrated. I can't help but think that I am, in some way I am not aware of, attracting this type of crap. That this somehow falls on me (all joking of dating karma aside). Is it because I am overweight? These weird creepy guys have some fat fetish and this is how that plays out? Does something about my pictures scream, "hey, I really just want sex, that whole personality and dating thing doesn't matter." It's crazy how objectified I feel, considering as an overweight person, I usually feel invisible to guys (IRL). I know no one else who is having this kind of experience where it's just unrelenting messages that relating back to sex. I mean, I hear stories of other peoples' dating experiences and they aren't great....but they aren't this.
I don't even have a witty ending today. I'm just done.
-PJ
(@plainjanedating)
I am supposed to be reading. Or doing my taxes. But I can't. I just found a new online dating app and it's freaking awesome. And by awesome, of course, I mean its full of weird men, creepy men....and wait for it..... ONLINE STREAMING! Oh how did this girl get so lucky?
(I bet you are thinking, what, wait???)
These guys are literally sitting in their apartments streaming themselves as they do what they do (ick. not like that - there are rules and apparently streams are periodically and frequently paused for review for that kind of stuff). Could this get any better though (for this blog, I mean)? Watching men be men in their own habitats? Only their own face streaming back at them....completely unencumbered by the reactions of women everywhere.
Stream# 1 - I am watching this guy ..... Clearly high and drinking. Did I mention high? Like higher than the empire state........ singing to some ridiculous rap song and talking about how ugly he is (he isn't really) and burping. And Jasmyn keeps saying he is so hot and so this ensuing argument is going on and on and on. It feels like watching teenagers. "No you're the hot one," "no you are" [enter annoying giggle here]. Jasmyn makes very little sense talking about her Popsicle-like body (and how she is the ugly one, not him) and this guy has no idea what she is saying, but he keeps talking anyway. Hell, I am sober and I had trouble following the conversation.
Stream# 2 - This guy I actually talked to for a minute. I asked him why he streams and he said its something to do. Then one of his users and he started talking about why he wasn't gay (because some guy asked him if he was...a) why would you bring that up to a bunch of women you are trying horribly to impress? and b) stereotypically, I can totally see why the guy asked). And then he wanted alcohol so he was looking to see if the store was open on Google maps and checked his bank account to see if he could afford some alcohol. Classy.
Stream# 3 - I didn't read this guys profile before clicking on his stream, so I had no idea who he was or what I was getting into (dangerous, I know). Turns out this guy is nice. He is from Europe, smart, well-spoken, and goofy at a humorous, tolerable level. Lets call him The Dutchman. He really was nice. Very gentlemanly for about 57 minutes. Nice, simple conversation. But even the nicest of men think about sex and that's about how long it took for him to ask me what color underwear I had on. *face palm* Dude, you were doing so well! I was actually impressed. I am not sure how we got to that question actually. Nothing nefarious was said before that. He is into the art of being subtle and going for the anticipation instead of the outright "lets fuck" kind of strategy; I guess that's how we weaved our way into that conversation. He never said anything like the usual suspects. Nice and smooth.
This live stream thing is an interesting dynamic because every piece of them is open and available to watch, but he can't see me or my reactions. Its like the perfect observation for a psych person (AKA me). And what makes it more interesting is how little I actually had to say. This is why silence is the best friend of police and counselors. People just talk and talk. They dislike silence, so if you say nothing, they will fill the silence. And what they say is usually so revealing. I feel like I got a good glimpse into the world of men tonight.
I think I am in love. Ha ha. The perfect dating site to.... well, not date, persay, but do exactly what I've been doing all along. Just let guys be guys and watch as they give themselves the rope and then hang themselves with it.
Also, The Dutchman gave me a fantastic idea as he rambled on about imagining our first date and then the second (and in his cute accent, "is that improper?"). My mother always tells me I should write a book. Especially when she reads my blog (yeah, yeah, she reads the crap all these men say to me). I always shrug off the suggestion, but now I think she has it right.... I should write a freaking romance novel. Because these guys are giving me all kinds of sexual scenarios and why waste such good editable material??? Its genius.
The Plain Jane Romance Novel Series.
Brought to you by dirty minds everywhere.
-PJ
(plainjanedating @ twitter)
There is this genuinely good guy I've wanted to date for four years (He is known, in some circles, as the Greek God; you know I like a good nickname). Ironically, I met him on Skout. You'll understand the irony once you read further...excerpts from a "reputable" dating website I have been on these days. If you look back at my previous entries, you'll note Skout has been one of those creepy dating apps with dick pics and dying declarations of love. However, these days, it's Plenty of Fish that's making me regret considering the male species suitable for a love connection. Or hell, a human connection.
It's all about the sex, it seems. Not that this is news on an online dating site, it just seems to be nothing but these days. I swear every guy has wanted to see five pictures, in addition to the 6 they already get to see on my profile. My hips, butt (uh..."booty"), and me in underwear are the most popular. And the second I say no, it's some lame excuse and then they are never heard from again. The same is true of guys who have told me they want me to come over and cuddle and "watch a movie." How stupid do I look? So I suggest a first date of dinner or drinks first (its that whole safety and getting to know someone first thing). "Oh yeah, well we could totally do dinner first. I am just super busy with work, so I might not be able to for a while..." Oh yeah, but when sex was involved it was like, "anytime works for me babe." Yeah. Real subtle.
Of course I still get the weird ones:
And the 'oh so obvious' nonchalant attempts...
Yeah. Just yeah.
Oh, and of course, to nicely round of my day...
.... to which I responded with something like, "do women really response to that?" His response? Like what? and so....
So before I can even see the message, come up with a good retort, the inevitable dick pic request comes. The next message I didn't take a screen shot of because I said, "no, I am not interested." And like any reasonable person, I thought that was enough. But no....two days ago he messages again and says.....
Unfortunately for me, knowing The Greek God and knowing the handful of guys that I do (both online and IRL), I know that there are good men out there. Kind, caring, compassionate decent, likeable. And I am not saying sex isn't on their mind, but its not the first thing and it isn't so....blatant. I am not quite sure why they are hiding from me. Why these jackasses keep finding me. It's like some hellish version of hide and seek. This reality tears me in two....between wanting to date because there is actually a chance I'll find someone at some point....and not wanting to date because...well, because men.
Fun times.
-PJ
(@plainjanedating on twitter)
P.S. for fun, this was the best profile picture of the week. I just don't understand people (which is saying something considering the field I am in).
Ever since I have started online dating, I have seen things I can't unseen. The things I've read or heard from men have really been enough to lose faith in the whole of the male species. I really thought by now I'd heard it all. Submission, domination, fetishes, dick pics, proclamations of undying love, cuddle buddies and friends with benefits.... but this guy....
So this guy messages me, "How crazy are you?" So I think, oh boy, just another guy looking for another weird sexual something. And I go to his profile and sure enough....
(and yes, I realize this side of me is exactly why I have heard and seen it all and lost faith in dating and romance and love). So here is his answer.......
So...that's a new one.
And apparently, to him, kids are nothing serious. That's sightly frightening. I politely declined, but now I am sort of wishing I had held onto this conversation. Not because I am interested in having a baby with a random stranger who thinks kids are some casual thing...but because I'd love to know this baby daddy's plan. How do we raise this kid? Co-parenting? Do we share family events? And who pays for things? Split it down the middle, going halfsies? Do you just want to be a part-time daddy? Why do you even want kids? All good questions that I'd love to know the answers to. Mostly, I really just wonder why on earth he would go about having a kid this way, but I suppose it makes a kind of sense. It's certainly cheaper and faster than adoption or finding a surrogate. It is consensual and there is the added bonus of not having to be tied down in a marriage or relationship, cause it's just for funsies.
Now I really do think I've heard it all.
-PJ
(@plainjanedating)
It's been a while since I have dated. It's been a while since I have wanted to. Just read any of my previous blogs and you'll understand why. It's not exactly a mystery. What is a mystery is where have all the good guys gone? The ones who will just have a conversation with you about normal, non-sex related things. I swear they were out there...at some point. Now? I am beginning to wonder if they were only a figment of my wishful imagination.
One thing has changed since my last blog post in May. Now, instead of guys asking if you want to see their dick, they ask if you want to see their "naughty." No. I am not joking. Four people in the past four days (three of them today alone) asked me if I wanted to see their naughty. It's a silly name, like saying it that way makes it more acceptable? But the question alone still mystifies me. Why would I want to see your dick? Why? You've see one, you've seen them all. I understand a guy's penis is solidly tied to his ego and in order to be successful in the dating world that ego needs to be stroked (oh God, no pun intended), but that does not mean I need to actually see your dick. Or stroke it for that matter. But that's another blog for another time.
Today I had a very long day of talking to men from POF. A lot of insecure men. Like when I went to dinner and this guy got all pissy that I didn't talk to him for two hours. High maintenance anyone? Or the one who saw my full body picture, told me I had a big butt (a risky statement - that could go either way) and that he liked it (although the picture of my full body in no way actually shows my butt, so....) and then when I didn't answer him (because I'd been sleeping... shocking, how we women like to sleep), he got all mad because he assumed I was mad about the big butt comment. I didn't care either way, but thank you for removing yourself from my list by being oh-so-dramatic about your own comment about MY butt. Seriously.
I made the choice to start dating again....I thought I was ready to be back online. I must have repressed all the drama because I swear it wasn't like this last time around. The dick pic thing, yes, but the drama of these boys....wtf? Four days in and already I want out.
That can't be a good sign.
-PJ
(@plainjanedating
Your profile, pictures, and messages are your introduction. And as the saying goes, the first impression counts...and that's a cliche for a reason. Because it's true. People may get to know you and change their opinion about you later on, but there will always be that initial impression; you simply can't un-see things and those things stay with you. Basic psychology. It never ceases to amaze me how people present themselves and makes me wonder exactly what some poor sap was thinking when they decided to put pen to paper (digitally, of course) and write things on their profile or in a message. This week has two particular memorable guys
Guy #1... (message to me)
Actually, I appreciate your candor; being upfront about some things is important, this being one of them. It's your lack of remorse that is troubling. And on an entirely different note, your lack of punctuation is annoying. How hard is it to use a period and comma? Come on.
Alright, so let's look at guy #2... (profile I came across)
Although I do have to admit...he wasn't a bad writer. But probably the wrong forum for what basically amounts to written porn.
I really want to ask both of these guys if either of their writings have actually successfully ended in a date. I certainly wasn't impressed. I did a face palmed a time or two though.
Here is my favorite pick-up line of the week:
"They say Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth. Well apparently no one has ever been standing next to you."
I also learned a new term for online dating "GGG" this week. GGG apparently means "Good, Giving and Game." Being GGG means you're good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything. I wonder if Guy #2 considers himself GGG. If you read his profile, you'd certainly think so. Although, if you are reducing your profile down to explicit sex talk with no other discernible details about yourself... perhaps you are lacking in the GGG department. Or the personality department.
Online dating. As awesome as ever.
-PJ
(twitter: @plainjanedating)