Showing posts with label rejection. Show all posts

In June I was stood up by a guy multiple times (I was dumb enough, to give him more than one chance). And that hit me hard. It also happened to be just before my birthday (thanks jack-ass). So I decided it was time to let go of online dating, once again. To walk away for a while. I was getting increasingly bitter and guys were getting increasingly creeper. So I bowed out. I decided it was time to reconnect with myself. Go out into the world and meet people to really connect with (re: not date). Just experience life off-screen for a while. It's been two months.

Earlier this week I met a guy, a friend of a friend, while I was with my friend and her group of friends for trivia night. He talked to me like I was just a person, not some potential fuck-buddy. He showed interest in me as a person, not just my body as a toy. It was really enjoyable to have a conversation with him. And it really highlighted how warped my mind has become from OLD. It really cast a light on how much I missed and craved real conversation and genuine niceness. It showed me how much I distrust every single man who tries to make conversation with me through a dating app (whether appropriate or not) - that I suspect the motive of said person is to get inside my pants. And why wouldn't I distrust them? All you have to do is read previous entries and it sums up the whole of my online dating experience. Dick picks and inappropriate messages. Or twelve seconds getting to know me and then asking for full body pictures and wanting to sext. Why wouldn't my first thought be the suspicion that I am just a warm body to be objectified?

It's sad because I am sure that not all guys online are like that. My friend and her fiance met online. I know a couple people with good stories and real relationships who began online. But for whatever reason that has not been my experience and it is has really affected how I see the world (and myself).

I was talking to my therapist the other day about this and about my tendency to hate my own body. And she pointed out a very real and very valid truth. I objectify myself. And yes, it is true I can trace the beginning of me doing that back to high school; that's the foundation. In that way I fell victim to an objectifying society. But the self-hating statue that was built on that foundation can be directly linked back to online dating. Because I was treated as an object there. I became an object there. And despite knowing in myself that there are a lot of great qualities that make me a great person, I am still an object.

Online dating has changed in the last five years (I should know, having been in and out of this world for the last ten). It so much less about finding real connection right now and so much more about finding a hook up, that it's changed the industry. And it's a toxic place. Will I return? Probably one day if I don't find what I am looking for in the real world. But when I do return my goal is to know myself and love myself and not let one single dick pic or inappropriate message ever make me feel like I am nothing more but  a disposable thing again. Because if I don't have that....then no amount of hope for romance and love is worth it - it's not worth hating myself. And its not worth seeing the world through a lens of distrust.

Time to go find myself.
-PJ

I am, by no means, a elegant person. I am awkward and I fumbled through life in such a way that I could easily do a palm-face, shaking head motion to almost anything. Especially in the real world, especially with men. Except for on dates. Oddly enough, I'm like a peacock displaying my best feathers and I have to say, I do pretty well. It may be the only time I actually make sense to strangers. I am just prefacing this because I am about to step up to the mocking block and ...well...

We are going to call this guy "Just Friends Guy (JFG)" Now, we started talking some time ago, I don't know when exactly, but long enough that I deleted his chats and forgot he existed. I can only assume he fell off my radar because I was either interested in someone else or not interested enough in him. He contacted me (again) a few short weeks ago and said he had been going through old messages and saw I was active again (re: he re-checked out my profile because that's the only way he could possibly know this information). I emailed him back and told him (in my most apologetic messaging tone) that I was sorry, but I had forgotten who he was. He replied with the entirety of our conversations from a few months ago. Well, that's weird. But moving on. I read those messages over and he had seemed nice enough, so still not remembering the events that led me away from him, I decided to talk to him again. And he was pretty interesting.

Unluckily for him, I had just had a week of having been stood up and blown off twice in one week by two separate men, so I was feeling a little anti-men at that moment. But we talked a bit and he asked me out and because I am me, I throw caution to the wind, and say yes. But due to the holidays, we didn't actually set a date for our date until in between that forgotten week between Christmas and New Years. Over the holidays we texted messaged causal "hellos" and "how is your day?" kind of conversation; nothing exciting. I wasn't trying too hard because of the whole nightmare men disaster I previously mentioned, but I had the common sense not to say that, so I just did my part in the conversation to convey interested and a little somewhat-suppressed excitement of meeting him. Cool as a cucumber, I believe the phrase.

So date night comes (Friday night) and he chooses a new bar (as in brand new, it had opened on the previous Tuesday). This is his thing: going to new bars and restaurants. He likes trying new places, never orders the same thing twice. That's cool, I think (although to be honest, I am utterly habitual about routine, so something we don't have in common). But then he says, "I picked this place because it's new and that's my thing. So even if you didn't show up, it wouldn't matter because I wanted to come here anyway."  ...... It wouldn't matter? Wow, way to make a girl feel special. 'Your presence doesn't matter because I wanted to do this anyway, so it's all good for me either way.'

Ok. Fine. This guy is young (mid-twenties, which everyone knows in maturity level is like, early twenties for men) and first dates, by nature, can be awkward so I'll look past it. As we talk he paints a pretty good picture of himself. He likes normal things, challenges, has good, healthy relationships, goals, dreams, ideas and he is pretty cute. Finally! I think. A good catch. And we laugh and talk about things I'd like to do with my life and the current dreams he is pursuing (after another awkward moment when he explained to me the concept of confidentiality in the business world (I am a counselor and confidentiality is par for the course in my job and he knows this, but again, I chalk this up to first date jitters). We even talk to this poor guy who sullied up to the bar in an exhausted kind of way. It turns out he owns the acupuncture place next door who is waiting for the plumber to fix his issue with the toilets. Originally from California, this guy's dream was to attend college at Berkeley, but he never attained that dream.Funny enough, he moved to CO an set up shop in this neighborhood - two points if you can name the neighborhood correctly - why yes, it is Berkeley. I know this much detail (actually far more) about the man's life because he basically crashed our date for a bit. JFG chatted him up (in such a way that it is almost like they were on a date). These two are talking about how interesting the bar is and they even share a sip of the same cocktail (yep, two total strangers drinking from the same cup. This is getting weird, I think; especially so because when Berkeley leaves, he tells JFG to finish his drink for him and JFG actually does. Again with the awkward. So we are having what I consider to be a good time and then abruptly (and I do mean that in the truest sense of the word) he asks for the check, pays for the drinks, and within five minutes we are outside of the restaurant and I am wondering how that happened so quickly. In my head I actually asked the question, "Is it something I said?" because it was such a quick turn around. Or perhaps he just reached his two drink limit on his own night out on the town, to which I seem to be an accessory, not an actual key player in the evening. Well, given the  guy's name, you must know where this is headed. We walk a little ways up the road and appropriately, our cars happen to be in separate directions. JFG gives me the line, "I think we should just be friends" and a quick, awkward hug, and he is gone.

Ouch. Okay, that hurt. Despite these weird moments, the guy was genuinely nice and I really have to give him kudos because he was direct and honest about the date not working out. This has never happened in the ten years I've been dating. Ever. But the thing is, is that I already have friends and I am not looking for new ones, so in my head, I take his "just friends" line as the widely socially accepted rejection that it is and try to move forward.

On New Years day, I get this text message from him and it reads, "Happy New Year! So, part of my new years tradition is to help other people with their goals. So let me know if you are serious about trying to get a nonprofit counseling service going or want to hook up your bike to your tv. I would love to help!"

At first I am just incredulous. Speechless. I've got the "wait, what?" line running through my head more than once. Did this guy.... did he really just reject me so openly and then offer to help improve my life? Did he really mean he wanted to be friends? Like I would go on a date with him, be friend-zoned and actually want to be friends with him!!! Oh come on. No one is that clueless. Not today, not in the dating world. Being friend-zoned is a verb and people use it often. This guy can't be so incredibly naive to think a woman who is interested in him romantically is willing to settle for just friendship. Not two days after the rejection. And certainly not with the offer of helping to improve her life. No. Just no.

And just to be sure it wasn't me being overly negative, I asked some people around me if they thought this was weird. Insensitive. Ridiculous. Clueless. Naive. And the answer was yes. Because it is. All of those things. Even now, as I type this a day later I am still baffled. I want to talk to this kid and ask him to explain his logic and how he though texting a 32 year old woman that he just turned down with an offer to help her with her life goals was anything short of idiotic. I also want to tell him one of my goals in 2018 is to get into a relationship and ask if he seriously wants to help with that one too?

In case you are wondering, I did text him back and no, I did not ask him WTF? (though believe me, I wanted to). Instead I said happy new year, thanks for the offer, and I'll keep him in mind. And I will. Keep this poor, clueless, awkward guy in mind.....I'll keep him in mind as another OLD dating disaster and hopefully will never go on a date like that again.

Welcome to 2018 everyone.
-PJ


(now on twitter @plainjanedating)

Despite the fact that I have been online dating for over ten years (wow, that is so sad), I have never been stood up. Until now. It's just such a lovely feeling.

Pizza Guy found me on OKCupid and we messaged for a bit, then I gave him my number. We set up a date for Friday, so we texted all week long. He said he was so excited to meet me. Having forgotten what men are like (sorry guys, its a dark and dirty generalization, but it holds true), I actually believed him. I'll give him points for confessing that he is lonely and depressed about it, so that was his main reason for OLD. And you know what? That's cool with me. I think that is most people's motivation for OLD (at least a little). I told him as long as he is dating me because I am me and not because I am a stand in to ease the loneliness, then I understood. And he assures me he likes me, we are going to have a great  time, and he can't wait. So Friday comes, and he texts and asks me what time we should get together. I text back my answer. And then I waited. and waited. I text him again (something along the lines of "are we still going out tonight?")....and waited. And just in case I got dressed, put on some makeup....and then nothing. So around 9pm I called it, messaged him and told him I wasn't waiting around on a Friday night. The next day I text him "what happened" and his reply: "I am sorry." That's it. And I never heard from him again. WTF? *sigh* So my lessons here:

1) Rejection sucks and being stood up makes it even worse.
2) I should remember men lie (okay, people lie)
3) Don't get excited about first dates (and for safety purposes, probably dates two and three as well)

If that didn't make my week awesome enough, I had a date with another guy (Poet guy) on Sunday (yeah, I'm really killin' it by lining up all these dates *eye roll*). This guy had the unfortunate idea to have our first date be going to First Friday, which is a art exhibition that all these galleries do on the first Friday of the month. I say its unfortunate because my first date with the guy I dated (and loved) for a year was at the art museum and we had the best time. Far better than walking around art galleries with this guy. It's not nice to compare, but my mind couldn't help but do so. I tried to give him a shot though. We talked a lot, laughed a lot, and he took me to some [cheap] taco place and stayed there for a few hours talking (and laughing). Overall it was a good date that lasted a long time. And he said he had a great time, and we should do it again. In the beginning, he had said he had been quite excited  to meet me and had texted me every day up until our date. So when he didn't text me the next morning....well, I knew. So I text him....and he never answered. And a day goes by, two days...I ask "hey whats up?" and he never replies. Nothing. Not one word. Lessons learned (because I didn't pay attention earlier that week):

1) Rejection and feeling used sucks
2) Men lie (yep, men. MEN)
3) Don't get excited after a good first date. Don't be lured by the words "I had a great time" or "we should do it again" or "I'll call you tomorrow." In fact, just refer back to lesson 2.

What is it with men who can't send and/or answer a simple text? To say how they feel. It doesn't even have to be real feelings (I know that's a struggle for most men). How about, "I had a great night, but I'm not really sure I want to go out again." It's not hard to say. It's not like you'd even being saying it face-to-face; it's a text message. Come on! So here is where I stand now: two more guys have taken away the illusion that guys who fall into that "nice guy" category seem to be just as bad as the rest.

I'm really excited to keep dating now. Just tickled to be back in the game.
Welcome back online dating; I sure did not miss you.

-PJ