One thing I have learned in the online world of dating is that time matters. As in, the time of day. In fact, Plenty of Fish notifies you when it's "rush hour" and that's typically when people get online...maximize the search results for people who are "online now." I get it. People want active users to connect with and get to know. As the evening wears on though, it really stops being about the person you are searching for to date and becomes all about the sexting. I realized this last night.

Here I was, just perusing the people who had looked at my profile and I get a message. So I open it, read it,  all three letters of it. "Hey" [super original, I know] and because I am trying to expand my horizons, I message back. The typical small talk ensues; quite literally it was only these two questions: "How are you?" and "how is your night going?"And then, it happens. "Do you have instant messenger or can I have your number to text?" Boom. That quickly (that might actually be a record). Since I don't really give out my number until I have established a person is worth a date, I alternatively suggest some sort of messenger.

And it becomes quite clear, quite quickly that this is one of the lonely guys (these people are quickly identifiable, I learned from Skout). My favorite line from this group of people: "I'm watching TV, alone, wish you were here" [cue the eye roll]. Said guy (lets call him Lonely Guy, LG for short) did in fact use that line. And how, exactly, am I to respond to that? "I want to be in bed with you too" [despite having "met" you ten minutes ago]. No. So I find a charming way to point out the obvious, you just met me [and really, I could be some old guy sitting in boxers and a wife beater who gets his rocks off talking to younger guys]. "I bet you say that to all the girls" is my only safe reply. And of course he does the "lol" thing and says no he doesn't say that to other girls [yeah...and Santa Clause is real, so is the tooth fairy and Easter bunny] and he knows we were just introduced, it's just that I am "so hot". [enter eye roll and heavy sigh] So what am I supposed to say to that? Thanks? That's sweet? He also asked my sign (no, I am not kidding. He is a Scorpio, in case you were wondering; I wasn't).

Guys, I tried. I really did. I tried to keep the conversation light and fluffy because despite his clear need to let off some....steam...his profile sounded decent and he is good looking. But it's "I want to kiss you" and "do you have a wild side" [I don't] and am I good girl, because I so innocent [another popular line, btw]. Oh, and he is a good guy too, but can be bad sometimes (wink wink). Am I ever naughty? And he wants to kiss me and.....bleep bleep bleep. And that's when I called it.

Me: "LG, I can appreciate where you are trying to go with this and why [ok, appreciate may not have been an accurate word], but I'm not going to be sexting with you tonight."
LG: "I'm just very attracted to you."
Me: "Well, I am glad to hear that [translation: I don't believe you]; I just wanted you to know that if you wanted this conversation to go in that direction, it wont be."
LG: "No worries"

Yeah. Sure. No worries. Because two seconds later our conversation ends. Lesson learned: no going onto the dating websites after 8:00 pm. The sexters emerge and it's not about connecting for a date in the future, it's about the horny, lonely people in the here and now. No thanks. I'll pass.

-PJ

Despite the fact that I have been online dating for over ten years (wow, that is so sad), I have never been stood up. Until now. It's just such a lovely feeling.

Pizza Guy found me on OKCupid and we messaged for a bit, then I gave him my number. We set up a date for Friday, so we texted all week long. He said he was so excited to meet me. Having forgotten what men are like (sorry guys, its a dark and dirty generalization, but it holds true), I actually believed him. I'll give him points for confessing that he is lonely and depressed about it, so that was his main reason for OLD. And you know what? That's cool with me. I think that is most people's motivation for OLD (at least a little). I told him as long as he is dating me because I am me and not because I am a stand in to ease the loneliness, then I understood. And he assures me he likes me, we are going to have a great  time, and he can't wait. So Friday comes, and he texts and asks me what time we should get together. I text back my answer. And then I waited. and waited. I text him again (something along the lines of "are we still going out tonight?")....and waited. And just in case I got dressed, put on some makeup....and then nothing. So around 9pm I called it, messaged him and told him I wasn't waiting around on a Friday night. The next day I text him "what happened" and his reply: "I am sorry." That's it. And I never heard from him again. WTF? *sigh* So my lessons here:

1) Rejection sucks and being stood up makes it even worse.
2) I should remember men lie (okay, people lie)
3) Don't get excited about first dates (and for safety purposes, probably dates two and three as well)

If that didn't make my week awesome enough, I had a date with another guy (Poet guy) on Sunday (yeah, I'm really killin' it by lining up all these dates *eye roll*). This guy had the unfortunate idea to have our first date be going to First Friday, which is a art exhibition that all these galleries do on the first Friday of the month. I say its unfortunate because my first date with the guy I dated (and loved) for a year was at the art museum and we had the best time. Far better than walking around art galleries with this guy. It's not nice to compare, but my mind couldn't help but do so. I tried to give him a shot though. We talked a lot, laughed a lot, and he took me to some [cheap] taco place and stayed there for a few hours talking (and laughing). Overall it was a good date that lasted a long time. And he said he had a great time, and we should do it again. In the beginning, he had said he had been quite excited  to meet me and had texted me every day up until our date. So when he didn't text me the next morning....well, I knew. So I text him....and he never answered. And a day goes by, two days...I ask "hey whats up?" and he never replies. Nothing. Not one word. Lessons learned (because I didn't pay attention earlier that week):

1) Rejection and feeling used sucks
2) Men lie (yep, men. MEN)
3) Don't get excited after a good first date. Don't be lured by the words "I had a great time" or "we should do it again" or "I'll call you tomorrow." In fact, just refer back to lesson 2.

What is it with men who can't send and/or answer a simple text? To say how they feel. It doesn't even have to be real feelings (I know that's a struggle for most men). How about, "I had a great night, but I'm not really sure I want to go out again." It's not hard to say. It's not like you'd even being saying it face-to-face; it's a text message. Come on! So here is where I stand now: two more guys have taken away the illusion that guys who fall into that "nice guy" category seem to be just as bad as the rest.

I'm really excited to keep dating now. Just tickled to be back in the game.
Welcome back online dating; I sure did not miss you.

-PJ

Well... I am back.  Back into this crazy world we call Online Dating (sigh). My time away was lovely. So was the guy I was dating. But alas, it was not meant to be and after the breakup I took a hiatus from dating altogether. I promised myself I'd get back out there once I no longer felt like gouging my eyes out at the mere thought of jumping back into this world we know as OLD (aka the seventh circle of hell). And so after a brief sabbatical from dating here we are. Again.

I reinstated my okcupid profile. Within a day I found myself inundated with emails. You know the kind, all the originality of the color white...almost like a snowstorm...individually some had a little uniqueness and potential, but together they all made a blizzard of "your smile is so gorgeous." It almost makes me think of those cute little yellow minions...without the cuteness.

Here is what I have noticed since I was online last (about 18 months ago). Everyone over 30 seem to have children.I don't inherently think this is a bad thing because I love kids. But I dated a guy with kids and its an entirely different kind of dating. I have also noticed that drugs are no longer quite as common (except marijuana...which is still a drug people!). This has been a pleasant surprise. Drinking seems to be less of a thing too. So apparently in the space of 18 months, men appear to have matured. Appeared to.

Jumping back into OLD has also been a little overwhelming. I am keeping up with ten different conversations and ten potential dates (and when do I have time to schedule in ten dates???). The weeding process is not thinning people out as well as it once has because, well, like I said...guys are starting act their age. Theoretically, this fact should make me more at ease with the dating world. It has not.

So the big question is...will I have many stories to tell on here or will everyone be good enough to miss making it onto the mocking block? Yikes! I will say that the level to which everyone comments about my smile is starting to annoy. I know its a compliment and I shouldn't grumble and for the most part I am not. But seriously, no originality. Don't worry, it won't be counted against them; indeed there are more points to the guy who mentions something else....above the chest. I have many features worth commenting about. My eyes, my hair...my...earlobes? Whatever, my point is I am more than my smile and it would be nice for someone else to know that too. Place themselves apart from the minions, apart from just another face in the crowd.

So that's it for today. I would like to say I'll write again soon, but it may be difficult to do with a lack of material. Although I am sure one visit to Skout would change that in a second. A nanosecond probably.

Date on my friends,
Plain Jane

P.S. I am  not on twitter: @plainjanedating

Every once in a while I write something about safety. I read this article and thought it deserves a post.

Online Dating Has Created a New Type of Sexual Predator

"It's a tricky situation," says Scott Berkowitz, the president and founder of the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), echoing the NCA study's wariness about the potential danger in the "increased trust and intimacy" that can develop in online relationships—a little more than half the reported incidents began with communication that included "sexual content" before a face-to-face meeting.

I have learned you don't talk about sex before you meet. Even casually. A real gentleman will respect those boundaries without me even having to set them.

It's also important to always let someone else know you're going on a Tinder date in case something goes bad.

They say a TINDER date, I say EVERY date. Before I go on a date I write down the name and number of the person, where we are going and what time. And I always, always, tell someone about my date, and check in before and after it's over. And I usually try and do this for the first few dates because there is nothing stopping a sexual predator for waiting and luring you into trusting them before making their move. Guys always think this caution is silly, but as a woman, its essential.  Any guy who isn't okay with it never gets a date. If they aren't comfortable in making me feel safe, I don't want to date them.

I mock and joke about dick picks and sexualized conversation on here, but I take this stuff seriously if I am interested in meeting someone. So should anyone (guys included) when dating. It's just smart.

-PJ

I took a small hiatus from Skout, which was nice. And then I logged in. And bad messages happened. Of course I will share, don't worry.

My co-worker has joined the online world and the differences between the messages she receives and the ones I receive are like night and day. We compared messages. She gets creepy messages too, but they are more 'I want to love you forever' creepy and my are the 'overtly sexual' kind of creepy. The difference is the sites, of this I am sure. She is on match and I am on POF, okcupid and Skout. So, really it does matter which site you use; although I have never had success with match in a good way, and it's hard to justify spending a lot of money on something that has been consistently a bust.

Now that she is doing the OLD thing, we have a lot of conversations about dating. I've shared a few of the messages I get with my co-workers. If men only knew what a laugh my entire office gets when they message me...come to think of it, if men only knew what a laugh everyone on FB and on this blog gets....think it would deter them? Me either. Which is why this blog will exist until I get married, which, at this point.... well, you'll see.

 [I think it depends on how you read this...my co-work thought "always make you come first" was a sexual reference. I didn't (how can I still be so naïve?). She likes to quote this one. If only he knew....]

 [oh yes. I am just so eager to see your dick...get cut off maybe...]

I am going to go on two rants tonight (and of course share some pictures, because what would this blog be without those treasures?).

Rant One: Communication. I have said this all before, but I am continually surprised by how little people communicate properly. I am talking with a couple of guys and it's me asking the questions and them answering the question and then....nothing. That's it. So then I have to ask another question, same thing, and then another question... It's a never ending cycle. 1.) This is not an interview. 2.) If you don't make an attempt to get to know me, how are you going to know if we are compatible? Am I no more than a pretty face? Now before you go on saying that's just how guys are, let me tell you this: I know guys who can carry on a reciprocal conversation quite easily, so it's not just the gender itself (and stop stereotyping!). Are they lazy? Do they just not care about the answers? It's incredibly annoying. And oh so common. I am sad to say.

End rant One.

Rant Two: I recently read this article from NBC News story Meet the Woman Behind 'Perv Magnet,' a Project Documenting Online Harassment. The story is interesting enough (and lets women everywhere know that they are not alone!). Admittedly, I would not have taken it as far as her, posting who they really are, name and picture. I, at least, keep a little confidentiality. I mean, they are still creepy assholes, but still, I feel its only right. But I think I like the article because it is FINALLY shedding some light onto a subject nobody talks about: Social media and harassment. Because that really what it is, if you have to give it a name. Sending a penis picture or talking about your penis is, in effect, a form of sexual harassment. I don't ask for it, I don't want to know about your penis and I definitely don't want to see your penis.  I am just saying. Really, though, it was the comments on FB that made me annoyed enough to rant about it.

"Quit attention whoring babe... U aint all that and it aint made outa gold either... Lol. You really saved 10 years worth of messages from the internet to make yourself feel "in demand"??most people i know would have deletes,ignored and moved on Someone needs to get a life.." I won't even comment on the grammar (as I shudder reading it). It's not about feeling "in demand" or needing a life. It's about showing a side of the social media culture that women have to deal with and making people AWARE.

"Men are wired with sex as #1 priority. Women should understand this & manage THEMSELVES appropriately. Doing a study that proves men are sex fiends means nothing. Most people already know this. There are men everywhere to observe. Is not a secret." Men are wired with sex as a #1 priority? Oh please. So they should get to say whatever sexual comment they want, whenever they want it? I don't think so. You wouldn't let a guy walk up to you and say something wildly sexual or touch your breasts in any other social setting would you? No, because its inappropriate. But according to you, they should be allowed because sex is their #1 priority and that's just how they are. Idiot.

"Here's a thought... If you're going to be offended by pervy comments, DON'T post pics of yourself in your undergarments for all to see" My problem with this comment is that it puts all the responsibility of these inappropriate messages on the girl and her alone. She should be able to post whatever photo she likes without fearing guys will be disgusting pigs about it. Men DO have the ability to NOT say pervy things to a woman just because her picture is provocative. They CHOOSE to say such comments. They make the intentional effort to write out a message (or enclose a dick pic). Should they not have to take responsibility for their actions just because they have dicks and "sex is their number one priority?" F that! It might not be wise for a woman to post a picture in their underwear, but it doesn't mean that they should be subjected to sexually explicit messages that they didn't ask for. That's like saying a woman who wears a shorter dress deserves to be raped - they were asking for it. It's ridiculous.

"I'm lucky guys don't find me attractive lol oh wait....maybe it's also cause I don't dress and show myself off? yeaa...could be that too" Again, see my above comment.

There were tons more comments that I rolled my eyes at (or got downright angry at!). But I think I will just prove my point in my own way. First of all, let me say I have NO pictures on any of my profiles in which I am in just my underwear or not fully clothed. I have nothing provocative in pictures or on my profile that could be construed as suggestive in any way. And I still get these messages. It isn't because she wore skimpy clothes or is in her bra or whatever. It just happens. Regardless. And men, you too should be offended because people are summing up your gender as a bunch of pervy men that just can't help themselves! Like you have no self-restraint or manners. And women, they are basically suggesting we should just let it go because "that's how men are." The worst argument I have ever heard for men showing a woman pictures of their penis or writing sexually aggressive messages to them. Seriously!

But let me show you a few that I've gotten over the last few weeks:

  [No, you aren't mistaken, this message was sent to me by 2 different people, almost exactly the same thing.]

[We went from casual, non-sex related conversation to THIS, 0 to 60 in 5 seconds]

I know I said I was taking a break. And I am. But two things have come across my desk that I wanted to share because they so relate to this OLD world. First, an appropriate 101 on sending dick pics (thanks to Elizabeth for sharing)